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Triplet Nursery

Monday, February 29, 2016




My super awesome handy man husband transformed our nursery.
(With my design guidance of course)


First we sheet rocked, sanded and textured the walls.
Then put in the new flooring, and The accent wall

{befores}


I've taken up the motto {awhile ago} less is more. 
{unless your talking about diapers and wipes, and in that case more is more!}


{afters}
When you have a very small space every.inch.counts.!
So I've shown ways we've tired to maximize space. First major hurdle is we don't have a "real" closet, but eventually the rod will go all the across versus the small sections, and the dresser will move to another wall. The dresser is stock up with tons of sleepers/onesies/swaddles -matching sets of 3-
I've been really impressed with how we've made it work. 


Next storage- Under cribs- AKA Diaper/wipe stock pile storage
We've managed to fit over 1000 diapers, and 10 boxes of wipes. {and still going}.
A peak of our wipe pile and just a few diapers.



The compact book shelves are ideal, small, functional and handmade (aka cheap!) 


And I have a hanging organizer behind the door with my random small stuff.
Snuzas, batteries, samples, etc. 
next project-{door to be painted}
-target-

SHOUT OUT TO
4moms who sent us 2 more mamaRoos
Impressed by a company that has such a love for their fans and supportive of multiple families.
We can't wait to have our babies enjoying them in a month!


We are 31 weeks today!
We are so excited to be meeting them at some point in the next month.
We can not believe we've made it this far, we are thankful for my health and theirs.
GOD IS GOOD.








SHOWER!

Saturday, February 20, 2016



We were lucky enough be given two beautiful showers by amazing friends and family who love us and the babies SO much. We constantly feel supported and encouraged by those around us and that is the BEST gift.


My first Shower was given at 25 weeks and I was feeling pretty good, measuring in at around 32(ish) weeks... Most recently at 29 weeks I attended my 2nd! Boy, does 4 weeks make a difference when your carrying triplets! We played a game at the first shower where they measured "my circumference"... we repeated this game recently I've grown 3-4 inches around! I'm feeling it, but I am too blessed to be stressed.

These days I'm measuring around 38(ish) weeks!We are doing great, healthy and if we continue this trend we hope to make it 4-6 more weeks!

We want the healthiest premies we can manage so the longer we keep cooking the less time they will be on feed tubes, in isolation, hooked up to monitors etc.








DRINK OFF! Apple Juice out of Bottle, Jordan was a CHAMP.


I was really worried I would be on bed rest, hospital or at home by this time, but I am amazed by the TAC how secure it's made me feel. It's a God send, and without I know we would not be here!


We have an article coming out in Shattered Magazine this summer-
Please stay tuned I can't wait to share it with all of you. It's all about our journey over the past year.


We are of course overwhelmed by the amount of gifts and support!
Thanks a million we can never tell you enough.







A Triple Blessing

Monday, January 18, 2016


It's time we announce the great gift we've been given, the beauty that came from such a dark time, another miracle set of triplets. The first time was shock, the second time... 
We knew there was a Divine plan


Boy, Boy, Girl. 
Yes, Just like Jax, Stella and Beck. 


Their due date is one year to the date after we lost Jax, Stella and Beck.
May 2nd, 2015 (Birthday)
May 2nd, 2016 (40 week due date)


No we didn't plan this, he did.
No we didn't expect this, he already knew.
Yes we were shocked. 
We were scared. Still are.
But we know the anxieties are only taken away by one person and he has created a plan so much better than we could have even imagine. 


We miss Jax, Stella and Beck.
We ache with every thought, "they should be here". Always our first, always the first grandchildren for my parents, always the first granddaughter for Jordan's. There should be 3 more children running around. But how can something so miraculous happen, and you not believe they had something to do with this. They are not gone- they are very much alive. 


We believe God has the perfect plan to fill your broken heart with 
just the right amount of healing. 
We don't understand his plan, but are so grateful for his unlimited blessings. 









"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."  
A triple Rainbow.







They were not a storm or "a loss", it was their absence that put a dark cloud over our lives. The constant ache of a hole that will never close. 

Jax, Stella and Beck will remain in our family forever. They will be recognized, and treated as if they are here with us, just gone from sight. We will always expect nothing less for their lives. They have been an incredible blessing and continue to teach us and bless us.
 I'll never be able to hold Jax, Stella and Beck again, but I know they are in the safest arms. On earth I will be able to hold three more little loves for as long as I am given with them. 







Most days it doesn't seem real, to good to be true,
 but we hold to faith they WILL be joining us in March!
We are so appreciative of your thoughts, prayers, positivity and support over the past year.
The love and blessings we've received are truly priceless. 

Over the weekend we were showered in love by our church. 
They have become family and a KEY piece to our healing.


It was even more beautiful that we included Jax, Stella and Beck.

We hope that you will pray with us over the next few months that they stay safely inside, continue to grow and thrive and that I have a smooth c-section with a quick recovery.





What I have learned in 2015

Thursday, December 31, 2015


















I would never say 2015 has been the "worst year", instead 2015 has been a hard year. 

It's been a year of blessings and then loss. 


I've learned to be grateful in the midst of grief. 
Joyful instead of angry. 
And to be hopeful not fearful.






What I have learned in 2015.

In my eyes the strongest, most beautiful women- mothers….

Are not ones who choose to breastfeed their child.
Are not the ones who choose a "natural" birth.
Are not even the ones who carried their own children for 9 mons.
Or the ones who hold many children in their arms.
Life can change too quickly to think you have it all "under control".

#1 LESSON: You have control over NOTHING.




They are the women and mothers who over came cancer, gave their lives in place of their child, 
or were left with a scarred body after a tradgic diagonisis. 
They gave and give everything they have left to their child.


They are the women who despite “ideal” genetics or situations chose to carry their 
high risk pregnanacy all the way to the end,
 As long as they could… or until their child was no longer with them.
They knew they might go through all this pain, being poked, scanned, 
drilled by doctor After doctor… not giving up
Then In some cases never leaving the hospital with their child.


They are the ones who could not carry a child in their bodies, but made a commitment to love one as if they did.

The ones who fought through all odds to TRY, but still feel that they failed. You didn’t fail. You are a hero.

 The ones who finally got their "wish" and it was taken.



Lets not be niave to think that everything in life is perfect.
That pregnancy is perfect, or that there is a right and wrong way to raise a child,
OR be a mother.


I can PROMISE you, don't mistake, It is those individuals the women, men, mothers, fathers who know the greatest loss and devastation
That love their children the deepest, in a completely uncomprendable way.


Those are the strongest in my eyes.
Some of us have already realized, and others are struggling right now… deeply…
Please know you DID get your miracle.



You are the MOTHER of ALL MOTHERS.
And the FATHER of ALL FATHERS.
Keep fighting.





Sending you nothing but love into 2016.

ALL mothers are special,  all mothers are important and all mothers are beautiful.
And some have endure more than you'll ever comprehend.
Never assume you know someone's story.



If 2015 was difficult, just keep going. 
It might not get easier tomorrow... or next week, but it will become more bearable.    




And as for my little miracles. 

You are the greatest part of 2015, and your are the greatest part of everyday.
You are thought of. You're always mine.
"How beautiful it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard"








I'm "Back"

Wednesday, December 16, 2015





It's 6:30 am rainy, windy and I should be sleeping... 
But when the words come I write them down.

This blog has been at a stand still.

Every week I desperately want to write something, but it becomes a broken record... 
I miss them, I'm always thinking about them, why are they not here, and so on. 

I have however learned to find joy in the sadness.

I've learned how to find empowerment in tragedy, because despite how much you love your child, your will never be able to experience just how much until they are taken.
 Well I know that love.


While no one wants to know what it's like to no longer be able to hold your child,
it's shocking how immense the love actually is after loss.
It's special. It's beautiful. It's mine.
I'm Lucky...









TAC Surgery day.

Sunday, August 30, 2015



There's nothing quite like the "empty sonogram" after a loss.
It's surprisingly painful and emotional. A lot of first...
Good news... everything looks good and procedure is about to start! 


I arrive at the hospital, get checked and they take me to my room to wait. The sterile, gloomy environment is too much and the tears start... another first... I'll admit I use to enjoy hospital stays, it's like a hotel, but better you lay in a bed and people take care of you!
Not after experiencing death. In this way. 

I wipe the tears away and I am brave.
As I am being wheeled into the OR to place my TAC I can't help but think about Jax, Stella and Beck. If only I could have saved them. If there was anyone who would do anything to go back in time, it's me. After losing them I threw myself into the whys- I came up with a million reasons and several were my own fault... I found peace finally. It was my body.

I don't  I Stopped blaming myself. I'm angry yes, could more have been done, maybe...  
Would they have still be born early... Probably.
I realize I can't control everything.

Two of my MOST favorite quotes. 
I'm no longer so focused on the fact my body failed me, and the "I wish I would've knowns" and all those other issues. I've made a decision to do all that I can do for anything that may happen in the future, It's not like I'm just left standing here with nothing; I'm armed with the knowledge and the resources and the fact that I can do this!

My complication potenically has a solution, and for that I am so thankful for. I am so thankful I went searching on the internet. I am so glad for the breakdown I had when I found out a TAC may have saved them... It helped me say YES I am doing this! Even thought it's too late to save them... It's another page turned in my story of healing.

The pain of losing Jax, Stella and back has pushed me to choose the most invasive procedure, but with the highest success rate. 

This procedure is life changing.
I can not trust my body so I have done all that I can do to help it. 
The dreams of having my triplets did not come true, 
but my dream of having a family and siblings for then will come true. 

Sometimes you have to be your own hero. 
You have to know what is good for you and go for it. 
No matter what anyone is telling you or what the medical books say... Go for it


I'm sore, uncomfortable and I've added a few more scars to my canvas,
 but this pain is nothing compare the hurt of loss. 

I don't care about anything that I have to endure as long as that means
 that I have a healthy family and that makes me feel like a mom.

I'm finally feeling almost back to normal and I have hope for the future and
 I'm bringing them with me.











The girl with the butterfly tattoos.

Sunday, August 23, 2015








An older man noticed my tattoo the other day the first thing he asked was, why I chose monarchs? I knew it was about to get uncomfortable, (I vowed May 2,2015 to never back down on talking about them. The discomfort someone might experience is nothing compared to mine),  ... I told him anyways I paused then told him we did a monarch release at my triplets funeral in May and he immediately closed his eyes and just whispered I'm sorry. I said, no no it's OK I'm just glad that you asked. He told me that he used to collect butterflies and gave me some fun facts. A few moments later he said, I don't want to ruin your mascara or anything, but my grandson just tried to commit suicide a month ago, can I ask you how do you cope?

 (One of those moments you think, "I'm in the right spot at the right time")


His grandson was diagnosed with asburgers, and the family was concerned he would hurt someone else or himself- and wished they could have known to do more. I feel for him. You could easily see the love he has for his grandson, regardless of his diagnosis. He didn't want to lose him- but knew he would.


 So my answer- The first thought that came to mind was Jesus holding my triplets. I pause for a few seconds I had no idea what I was going to say, because really there isn't an answer to that question. I told him I guess you just find something positive and focus on it, and you also realize you don't have a choice. I focus on hope, and the future.

He smiled, speechless. 


I put my tattoo on my shoulder on purpose. It would be seen, They would be seen. You have those who judge people with tattoos and wonder why, or will they regret it? Absolutely not. There was a reason I wanted it right there- out in the open. Ever person that sees it, and if they happen to ask- is another breath of healing. 

I've always been someone who is adamant a tattoo should mean something or represent a memory.
This tattoo means the world to me and I was blessed when seeking out an artist I found Ryan Kirkland. He knew how much it meant to me. The time spent consulting and then tattooing this piece was such a smooth experience.  I'm grateful for his talents and attention to detail.


What I've learned- 
Do what you need to do & Be unapologetic about it. 
Some of the happiest people carry the heaviest load, we smile, we have to- because right under the surface we are shattered. We're hold it together just enough to appear normal.



 
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