This August is a time of reflection.

In the words of a wise friend, "Have you ever turned something over to God completely?  I personally would pray things like, God, your will....but....if it could be like this, that would be great.  I never really handed things to God entirely.  Except, 1 year ago today."

One year ago I was just starting to rise from the depths of grief... Still fight to save them somehow. I found out about Transabdominal cerclage and how successful they are when you have my condition. I went through 3 surgeons before finding Dr. Fogwell. As soon as we started speaking, every word that left his mouth spoke directly to my feelings and I knew that  was where I was suppose to be. 

AND... SURPRISE. Yes, Surprise. 

We saw 2 pink lines, and a little over 4 weeks pregnant, I had my procedure. I think it has proven to be the most critical and beneficial decision I made this pregnancy. I politely listened to a variety of opinions and knew I had other options, but I chose to have a more invasive surgery that I believed would save the life of this child.

2 weeks crept by then we could finally have our sonogram. 

We counted one. TWO. THREE.

Panic, Horror and HOW?

Thoughts and decisions I would have to make flashed through my mind. Ones I never thought I would consider. No one knows what this moment was like. After burying 3, do you make the choice to give one or two the best odds... I already knew the outcome without the TAC. Would the TAC truly make that much of a difference? Would it REALLY hold like they said it would? I'm going to trust this little "ribbon" tied inside me to keep my babies alive. 

Yes I have faith, yes I know there are plans for us.

Judge me for my weak thoughts, BUT There is no reasoning with a mind that has been scarred with the horror and loss I was just starting to dig my way out of. 

The only thing I felt right with was trusting. Trusting I found about the TAC for a reason, I found the surgeon for a reason, My procedure was covered and paid for- for a reason, I had been given triplets again- for a reason.

I finally let go and handed it over.

At 12 weeks I heard a voice say, "everything is going to be ok". 

I heard it every time I would be on the verge of losing my mind, weak moments, scary moments, in the hospital...
When it became too much for me to actually believe nothing was going wrong.

One year ago I had my TAC placed and the same week found out I was pregnant. 

These profound moments I will never forget. My very own miracle (a second one). 3 healthy babies, born early, but otherwise 100% perfect.

The voice was right.

Everything is ok. 

Maybe miracles aren't as uncommon as we might think. 

They are everywhere. In everyday choices.

This is OUR story, This is OUR song.

To tell you our story is to tell you of him.

We returned to our church today! 

It felt so wonderful to be welcomed by so many, the ones who prayed for us, mourned with us through the most trying times and celebrated the true miracle that is our story. 

I am always reminded that he is with me and showing me that beauty can be made from tragedy. To tell of our story is to tell you of him. 

I am so thankful for this song today. 

Every word of it. 

If I told you my story

You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go

And if I told you my story

You would hear Love that never gave up

And if I told you my story

You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story

You would hear victory over the enemy

And if I told you my story

You would hear freedom that was won for me

And if I told you my story

You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my savior all the day long

For the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh to tell you my story is to tell

For the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song

Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

ECC 3:11

JuJu Be Triplet Diaper Bag!

I recently learned about JuJu Be, at first I was scared away by their prices, but after digging deeper into what their bags have to offer... I can see the benefit and it swayed me to purchase a JuJu Be BRB in the admiral print.

They keep you organized like I've never seen! The design is very thought out and reallllly genius in my opinion! 

The fabric is soft and it's Teflon coating wicks away moisture. Can we just talk about the pattern- Im in LOVE. Im obsessed with anchor at the moment {perfect for my summer bag!}

I'll admit I have 3 diaper bags... 

This BRB (I needed a back pack option!)

And TWO Skip Hop Duos, one in French strip and the other on their herringbone pattern. The herringbone will be my dressy/winter bag. 

Ok back on topic.

The BRB has a totally of 13 (ish) pockets. (5 interior and 8 exterior)

So let's start...

•••••••••••••••••••••

•••••••••••••••••••

Very front pocket. Magnetic snap closure 

And place for photo.

I keep cash or card here whatever I will use frequently. My hands are full I don't want to dig for my wallet and search for money/cards. Love the photo area. Makes it feel personal- and if they are screaming... I can take a moment and look at how sweet they can be:) behind the photo I have a little piece of paper "return of found" 

with my Name, Address, Phone number.

The "mommy pocket"

Everything for me (mostly...).

Yes that's a built in sungls pouch! And you can clean your lenses safely with it! 

There's a second elastic pouch where I keep Advil, eye drops, Chapstick/lipgloss.

Another mesh elastic pocket toward the bottom I keep a tide to go pen and sanitizer surface wipes. There's a long tether with a clip on the end, I attached hand sanitizer and a coin purse. 

It's a pretty deep pocket, plenty of space! 

This is a specialty lined pocket to protect your phone, or anything else that could scratch! I believe it's felt... It felt like felt (lol). It's soft.

Now for the LARGE main compartment-

It has a place to keep wipes (secured by elastic.) below is another mesh pocket I use for rolled up receiving blankets, extra diapers, or a few bottles. 

They purple bag is by "Twelve Little".

I LOVE IT. It comes with a long strap that you can clip to the small d-rings and wear as a cross body with just the essentials. More details next photo.

The zipper panel pocket is great for extra clothes (or dirty clothes), bibs, flat folded blankets... 

The black and white bag is my first aide kit. Filled with hand wipes, Gas drops, Kleenex and my suction.

Inside the Twelvelittle bag (www.twelvelittle.com)... More wipes and more diapers (because I blow through them!) elastic holds the wipes in place, the zipper bag in the middle is detachable and reattches by snaps. It's mesh on one side to breathable. It also has a matching changing pad. 

Again, it has the strap that makes the bag into a cross body- I can grab them and go if I need to do a quick run in somewhere and not tote the whole bag. 

I'm alittle frugal... After the price tag of the bag, I refused to buy their stroller clips "be connected" so I got these clips at Home Depot. If I rig them just right they work... I attached to the D rings and can hang from my snap and go stroller. I can also clip my keys here for easy access. 

There are two side pockets that I keep 2 bottles on one side and the formula container on the other side. 

They are surprisingly deep, roomy pockets!! 

My new paci pod!{separately}

I chose a different but coordinating pattern. It fits 2 pacis and they are held in by elastic. You could also use this for Chapstick/lipstick. 

(Back up pacis)

Yes I have 3 babies, and yes this is only 2, what are the chances all three of the first pacis hit the ground. Haha. 

Don't jinx me. 

Top handle pocket. I keep my wallet here. It's the perfect spot. It's quite large.

You could use it alone for first aide, or formula packets.... Etc.

(or an extra shirt Incase of spit up catastrophe)

Back large panel pocket. This is where you find the changing pad- I use it for paperwork, great iPads, small laptops etc! It's great for travel! 

 There is memory foam on the back panel that presses against your back making it very comfy and padded straps also. 

Ask any questions:) 

I'm open to anyone else's tips and tricks!

Xo

1 year.

May 2 2016

365 days since I last saw your little faces.

Life is so wonderful and more than I could ever imagined possible a year ago. It looks almost perfect from the outside looking in, but the truth is, it's never going to be fully complete just like I'll never fully heal. All these emotions and memories only become tolerable, never easier. 

I was sent three perfect miracles that have brought a level of healing some people will never have. How such an amazing blessing landed in my lap is only explained by a miracle. 

Sometimes I just like to pretend you three were sent back to me... And you really aren't gone.

Thank you for my perfect miracles. I know you guarded them&

I look for each of you in their faces. 

I will share (for the benefit of others that are or will brave the journey again...)

This pregnancy I put myself on auto pilot just wanted to get past the weeks and to the day I would meet them... Some days, most days, I believed I would lose them also. Constantly waiting for the "other shoe to drop" why wouldn't it... When something so horrific has happened once, you'll never feel exempt from disaster again. You'll never say never... 

You actually believe it's just part of your normal. I was actually convinced if nothing happened to them... It would be me. I was not going to be able to enjoy them... They weren't "real" yet, and maybe they never would be to me.

I was petrified during the entire csection... Waiting for my stats to drop, blood loss, I was the crazy patient that in the days leading up I was asking about iron infusions and blood transfusions to make sure I could have control of something... I would do anything to make sure it all went ok.

Time ticked by so slow it seemed like forever while I was in the middle of it, but now it's over, they are here. Safe. So I am. It happened So much faster than I thought possible. It's bitter sweet. I don't regret being fearful or closing myself up- that's what you do when you've lost a child, children and you've been put back at the start of a scary similar race...

BUT

 If there's one thing I've learned is time stops for no one. It keeps going and that's a good thing because it keeps you going too. For now my mind is still trying to catch up to my body.. 
I'm desperately trying to comprehend the fact they are indeed mine, all mine.
They are here with me...

To my children, What an amazing gift you've given me and what priceless lessons you've all taught me. You've given me something to stand for and live for. I will not stop talking, because my children are worth talking about and what I suffered through, my diagnosis, was and IS preventable. 

I WILL speak out for my children, and for others. 

Our Family Tradition.

May 2015

May 2, 2016

To know me Is to know them. 

Who I am right now, today, is because of them. I have more compassion, empathy and sensitivity than I've ever carried. They are a blessing not a sad story. 

Almost that time.

As we near the 1 year mark I can't help but be overwhelmed with devastating sadness,  but over come with incredible joy. A year ago we were on top of the world... The excitement would only last 5 months. 

We desperately tried to save them and keep them safe inside. Everyone was so optimistic, but it's like I already knew the outcome. 

My body has both let me down far past anything I thought I could recover from, but gave me the three miracles I sit here and stare at....

I'm stuck between two places, where I was a year ago... And where I am now.

There are no words to say how remarkable it is to be here staring at 3 babies that were promised on Jax Stella and Beck's birthday (had they been born @40 weeks) I used this as a sign, a promise everything would be ok.

I also just realized, while it can happen In multiples (once a baby is removed it creates more room and they shift during birth), but they were born in the same order. Aspen was actually baby C and Cross B- 

Jax was A

Stella B

Beck C

...

Asher A

Aspen B

Cross C

There were so many signs, too many to ignore, I never should have doubted everything was going to be ok. Every once in awhile Id even hear a voice say that..., "everything is going to be ok"... 

It was. It still is.

Happy International Bereaved Mother's Day.

I'll never forget ANY story that was shared with me, I remember them all! 

Don't feel forgotten. 

God is good, he will make it right in his time. 

Tomorrow will be the day and we will continue our tradition... I'll

Share these details soon:)

We couldn't be more touched to be able to include their siblings this year!

1 Month

Better late than never

•••

My Miracles are 1 month old! 

We are shocked it's already been a month, 11 more and they are one.

Time flys. 

One month ago I was seen by my MFM for my 32 weeks appt. During that growth scan we saw 3 activate healthy babies, but noticed baby A(Asher)'s Doppler showed reverse cord flow and baby B(Cross) had a growth restriction.

She studied my chart and went over the past several scans then said "I don't advise waiting... Based on the abnormaties I suggest delivery", and left to call my OB. She walked back in and said head to the hospital!

I was confused... I asked her what's the plan, she said you're having babies today! 

Uhhh... What!?

AND by 6:02 all my babies we here.

Finally. Safe. 

Aspen & Asher needed alittle help breathing and Cross the tiniest was screaming,and breathing good on his own! 

32 weeks can be scary for some... But for us it meant that our babies would be ok. They would need to spend sometime in the hospital, but they were coming home with me. Even if I have to wait 4 weeks.

Over the past 4 weeks they were born 

(8 weeks early)

Spent 26 days in the NICU 

(with awesome nurses)

Worked on their breathing and doing it with out extra help.

Learned to eat without the feeding tube

Gained about a pound each

and are now HOME.

They are SO good, Rarely crying unless I don't get a bottle in their mouth fast enough! 

They eat, nap and cuddle.

They love their MamaRoos, Rock n Plays, and wubbanubs. 

We are OVER THE MOON to have them here safe, healthy and growing.

Birth Weights-
Aspen 3lbs 14oz
Asher 3lbs 10oz
Cross 2lbs 14oz (growth restriction baby)

Current weights-
Aspen 4lbs 11oz
Asher 4lbs 8oz
Cross 4lbs 3oz

My babies are growing SO fast (too fast!) 

*taken with iphone during newborn shoot

My perfect Angels.

We are approaching the 1 year mark, when we lost Jax, Stella and Beck 

and we look at these babies and just wonder, "How did we get so luck". 

We are so blessed. It's a true miracle they are here with us.

I look forward to the day when we teach them about their brothers and sister that played

 a HUGE role in getting them here safe and healthy. 

*taken with iPhone during newborn shoot

"34 weeks"

My babies are 2 weeks old!

or "34 weeks"

Oh my!

My "goal" was 34 weeks, but what a wonderful surprise

 to get to meet them earlier than expected.

How blessed we are that they are so healthy and learning what they need to come home with us! 

Over the past week they have lost alittle weight, but then gained it back plus more. Asher and Aspen are wearing big boy and girl clothes! No more just diapers. Cross our tiny boy wore his first outfit today! He just needs a bit more fat to help him maintain his body temp and will be catching up soon!

Last week Aspen and Asher's oxygen was removed, Cross did not require any since birth, no more IVs, they are now feeder-growers! They are tolerating their feeds and taking their vitamins:). 

The doctor ordered a brain sono just as a precaution, major problems are rare at 32 weeks, but I'm thankful for the extra Checking. Everything was normal. 

They are starting to learn how to eat orally, they are making great progress and eating more everytime we try. Aspen is food motivated! Most of the time she takes her whole feed in the bottle, if she keeps this up she will be coming home first!

They love to be held and we love to hold them... 

They make the sweetest noises like little baby dinosaurs. 

The last few days have been pretty exciting (for me). 

Saturday

We had a photographer from "The tiny footprints project" come take photos of them. It's a wonderful organization that provides this free service to NICU families. We will look back on these memories and smile. We are so blessed. There is currently only photography for the DFW area, so if you are a photographer please consider donating alittle of your time- what a beautiful service you'd be providing. 

Today 

I got to snuggle them all skin to skin -together- for the first time. Cross thought he was an only child and was enjoying his freedom... He was a worm and fussy, then he got some lunch in his tummy and settled down alittle. It was pretty magical.

 I still can't believe they are mine... 

Here are some pictures our nurse took while the photographer was there so I could have a few now, I'm so impatient! 

And some pictures from today... Our skin to skin time. 

Thanks to everyone for being apart of our journey. We have no clue how we got so lucky. 

This is what a MIRACLE looks like...

Aspen, Cross, Asher 

If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart. 

Soon enough they will be too big to hold together. 

God IS Good.