This kinda goes along with my "VENT" I posted recently. I'd like to "pretend" like I want to apologize for some of the negativity and my bad attitude, but SORRY NOT SORRY.

It's my right.

{Please understand that I so appreciate your effort to reach out and let me know you sympathize.}

Recently, two or three times, I've been told, "I know how you feel" "I've been here". I'm sure it not the last time I'll hear, but lets clear a few things up-

You know how I feel?

SO, you know what it feels like to be having triplets, one day everything be healthy and normal, and the next your fighting to keep them in your body. 

{You know what it's like to pray everyday to be the exception, not the rule.}

Terrified you may become a statistic, you don't want to be included in that portion of multiples that do not make it to viable birth age.

 You understand the fear of laying in a hospital bed after surgery hoping everything will stay stable for 20 more weeks. Listening to your OB and Specialist fight-it-out over what it best for me and the babies. 

You know the feeling of labor coming, and knowing your babies can not survive outside of you, nothing works to stop the one thing that CANNOT be happening!

You know what it's like to be told you almost did not make it through labor. It was very serious, they chose to save me, because without me the babies could not survive.

And I will never understand the trama my husband had to go through watching me give birth to our 3 babies knowing they would not survive if born... holding them alone. Me unconscious not knowing if I was going to be ok. 

That day he almost lost all 4 of us.

Most of all, can you fathom the emotional devestation of holding your 3 babies, that just 2 days before were healthy and growing, in your arms. Seeing their faces, features, watching your husband cry, feeling helpless, confused and angry. Then picking out a head stone for your children, wrapping them up together and placing them in their tiny baby casket, then burying their little bodies.

and if we needed, the cherry on top, the after effects of childbirth... 

the constant reminders of what you have gone through, and in the end you don't have your babies.

Everyday there is emptiness.

Yes you may be angry at your body just like I am, you may be angry at everyone that is happy and has their child. you may understand your own loss, the dream of what could have been- but you don't understand mine. you did not lose 3 miracles all at once- that were wanted SO badly.  The fullness that we felt immediately. The love we had, excitement ahead.

We will all face our own grief and we deal with it the best we can.

and if you still think you "know how i feel" "I've been here also" - Bless your heart. 

I'm here for you, if you need to talk. 

It's confusing, heartbreaking, and doesn't seem like reality most of the time.
{ I feel like I'm living half way between reality and a bad dream. }

The best thing I have been told, "I know what it's like to lose a child, but I don't know what it's like to lose babies... I can understand a little of what you are going though" 

*it was a breath of fresh air*

-Samone-

It's OK to be bitter, angry and disappointed. {VENT}

Just a public disclaimer: these sayings/quotes...  

DO NOT work in every situation, They do NOT apply to every life event. 

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Sayings that I now HATE: 

{Everything happens for a reason. }

{It's worth the wait. }

{If it's meant to be it will find a way. }

{Good things fall apart so better things can fall together.}

{There's a bigger plan.}

Drumroll please: {I'm sorry for your loss}

No. Not everything happens for a reason, why would I want something good to fall apart... What could be better than the greatest thing that's ever happened to you... A bigger plan? Because triplets can't be that BIG of a deal. 

{LOSS? Last I checked I was having 3 babies... then I lost 3 babies!}

Losses.

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Keeping a good attitude is is obviously important and some will make you believe it's the best way to make through day to day- but sometimes you just can't. You hate everyone, no one understand and you feel like having a pity party- and it's OK. Not everyday has to be perfect. You don't have to be strong, you don't have to put on your fake smile and your fake laugh. 

{We only do that to make other people happy and feel more comfortable.}

I'm not perfect, my life isn't perfect, I'm not going to be in the perfect mood everyday, but I try to be respectful to anyone I see or talk to. Just know sometimes it takes more of an effort than you know. When you ask how are you doing, and I say fine... Good... OK...

What would your reaction be if I said I'm angry, sad, im not OK.

You'd probably be uncomfortable and confused and not know what to say next... 

I have memories of this life that I feel never existed... 

AND So if your curious 

that's how I am doing... 

Somedays are better than others.

-Samone-