I still reach down and touch my stomach...

 Even thought it's empty I will never forget it was their home.

I still pin to their board on Pinterest.

I won't delete it, the type of "pins" have just changed... 

I look at their photos a few times a week, the only photos 

I'll ever have of them. I refresh my memory of their faces.

The videos too(I'm so grateful for recording the last sonogram I would have.)
Stella was being a Diva. I loved it.

I visit them once a day. I talk to them.

I say their names out loud to myself.

Over and over. 

Different orders Beck Jax Stella. Stella Beck Jax. Jax Stella Beck. 

I want to talk about them, all the time. So you can ask...

I search for everything in 3's.

When I see butterflies or cardinals I think of them. 

I am overwhelmed with envy with I hear a couple has healthy triplets, or higher multiples. 

I feel sick to my stomach when I see someone decorating a nursery in the same colors and patterns...

Yes, I sleep with their bears.

           I wrote a book about them for their future siblings.

I want to say THANK YOU to the moms that wanted to shared their "secrets".
 I hope this can be a looking glasses into our world. Our struggles and fears. 
I hope that this will help you be patient with us. 
Know that this is a life long journey and does not simply disappear after a few years... 
or even after another child.
Some of us may never heal, but we hope to find peace.

" "I dress my bear in her clothes"
"I swear I feel "phantom kicks" Just like when I was pregnant with her"
"I don't want to lose my tummy because I associate it with her [Ella Kate]"

"I have even gone as far as taking their [Cadyn Joseph, Adalyn Grace, Mikayla Michelle] shadow boxes off the wall and bringing them to the basement with me during tornado warnings"

"Four years out and my heart still secretly aches when I have tater tots or chocolate peanut butter milkshakes because those were the foods I craved when I was carrying my boys, Thomas & Nicholas. "

"Its been close to 12 years since my loss and I still think of them [Sydney & Sienna] every time I see a butterfly "

     "That I wish it was me who went and not them [Emma Lee, Chase David]."

"I secretly panic when I hear "boy girl twins""

"I feel sad when someone names their child their names, Jude or Brinly"

What no one tells you...

 Is the bond you have even after they are gone.

 They are not here, and will never return, 

but you hope to feel them around you. 

Return to Zero

Return to Zero is a film, based on a true story.
(bereaved parent's print out is available below it follows along with the movie.)

Last scene in film {return to zero}.

            My story and Return to Zero are different, 
but the emptiness of loss and overwhelming grief all parents, 
moms, feel after this tragedy is similar.  

No loss is the same, no journey is the same and no grief is the same.

You will find, if you have traveled the journey you will share the same thoughts, comments, experiences with so many others that have walked this before you, with you, and will walk this after you. 

"You know what's strange, this pain I feel... I love it. I LOVE it. And I embrace it. I'm afraid if I let it go, I'm going to lose the last little piece if him I still have. It's funny, this thing no one tells you about... about the relationship that begins with them after they die. If I can quiet my head down enough I can feel him... I can hear him."

THIS!

I didn't write it, it's taken from the movie, but it's the EXACT emotion I feel often.

However different our losses are I've notice the same feelings over and over.

The same quotes, same emotions... 

Guilt

• For not being able to prevent what was out of our control for the most part.
• For laughing, or finding happiness again.
• For wanting more children.
• For thinking we did something, ate something, drank something, something from our past...

Anger- This one explains itself.

• (lets be honest) We are mad that the drugged up hooker gets a baby...
• the 16 year old who has no clue.
• the one who doesn't want children and it "just happened".
• the one who aborts.
• and so on... we are angry at everyone. Sorry.

Regret

• Not demanding the doctor to check and re check.
• Not following our instincts, and trusting our doctors know it "all". (even with the best drs we will always wonder)
• Doing "too" much, Not going on Bed rest early enough.
• Should we have ran more test.
• Not knowing to ask the questions we didn't even know needed to be asked.

We realize most of this is out of our control, but it doesn't matter. 

We just wish we could go back and do more.

We will never stop asking,

Did we do enough? 

What if?

The same articles are passed around through support groups and support pages. 

When we finally hear the words that reflect our exact feelings we cling to them. 

We shout "I am not CRAZY!" "Someone else feels exactly the way I do."

Validation that our fears, thoughts and feelings are not just our own!

"The sense of understanding and belonging is invaluable 
and incredibly healing." 

You are not alone. 



HERE is a guide for bereaved parents 
(given by the "Return to Zero" site.)

Is Ignorance bliss?

Would Not knowing what it's like to be their mom make my life "easier"?

Not having known my children would mean I wouldn't miss them every second of every day.

 I wouldn't have to look into the future and realize they will [forever] be missing. 

Missing from family photos... Holidays... Birthdays...

I wouldn't have to face the fact I'll never see any of their milestones. First steps, words, graduation, weddings. 

Big or small.

I wouldn't have my heart shatter at the silence that should be full of their cries and laughter. 

The words "I love you mommy" wouldn't be missed and longed for. 

I wouldn't be suffocating in tears every time I realize this is real, they are not coming back, I can't wake up, I don't have a second chance. 

I wouldn't have to feel the heartache, have reason for the gallons of tears, I wouldn't have puffy eyes and dark circles, & I wouldn't be a mess.

I would be blissfully ignorant. 

Pregnancy did not happen easy for us.

It took years, it took praying, it took crying and begging.

Then, like a miracle, my cries were heard, prayers answered and the wait was over.

Then overnight gone. 

Is ignorance bliss? 

No.

 As painful as every second and everyday will be, no matter how many tears I cry and no matter how many children I go on to have.  They are my unique gift not many get. 

They are apart of my story and, they are, my favorite chapter and also my most tragic.  

I will talk about them, celebrate them, cry about them.

I can't see them but if I quiet my aching heart I may feel them.

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief.
But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared 
with the pain of never risking love.” 
- Hilary Stanton Zunin 

you think you know?

This kinda goes along with my "VENT" I posted recently. I'd like to "pretend" like I want to apologize for some of the negativity and my bad attitude, but SORRY NOT SORRY.

It's my right.

{Please understand that I so appreciate your effort to reach out and let me know you sympathize.}

Recently, two or three times, I've been told, "I know how you feel" "I've been here". I'm sure it not the last time I'll hear, but lets clear a few things up-

You know how I feel?

SO, you know what it feels like to be having triplets, one day everything be healthy and normal, and the next your fighting to keep them in your body. 

{You know what it's like to pray everyday to be the exception, not the rule.}

Terrified you may become a statistic, you don't want to be included in that portion of multiples that do not make it to viable birth age.

 You understand the fear of laying in a hospital bed after surgery hoping everything will stay stable for 20 more weeks. Listening to your OB and Specialist fight-it-out over what it best for me and the babies. 

You know the feeling of labor coming, and knowing your babies can not survive outside of you, nothing works to stop the one thing that CANNOT be happening!

You know what it's like to be told you almost did not make it through labor. It was very serious, they chose to save me, because without me the babies could not survive.

And I will never understand the trama my husband had to go through watching me give birth to our 3 babies knowing they would not survive if born... holding them alone. Me unconscious not knowing if I was going to be ok. 

That day he almost lost all 4 of us.

Most of all, can you fathom the emotional devestation of holding your 3 babies, that just 2 days before were healthy and growing, in your arms. Seeing their faces, features, watching your husband cry, feeling helpless, confused and angry. Then picking out a head stone for your children, wrapping them up together and placing them in their tiny baby casket, then burying their little bodies.

and if we needed, the cherry on top, the after effects of childbirth... 

the constant reminders of what you have gone through, and in the end you don't have your babies.

Everyday there is emptiness.

Yes you may be angry at your body just like I am, you may be angry at everyone that is happy and has their child. you may understand your own loss, the dream of what could have been- but you don't understand mine. you did not lose 3 miracles all at once- that were wanted SO badly.  The fullness that we felt immediately. The love we had, excitement ahead.

We will all face our own grief and we deal with it the best we can.

and if you still think you "know how i feel" "I've been here also" - Bless your heart. 

I'm here for you, if you need to talk. 

It's confusing, heartbreaking, and doesn't seem like reality most of the time.
{ I feel like I'm living half way between reality and a bad dream. }

The best thing I have been told, "I know what it's like to lose a child, but I don't know what it's like to lose babies... I can understand a little of what you are going though" 

*it was a breath of fresh air*

-Samone-

It's OK to be bitter, angry and disappointed. {VENT}

Just a public disclaimer: these sayings/quotes...  

DO NOT work in every situation, They do NOT apply to every life event. 

______________________________________________________________

Sayings that I now HATE: 

{Everything happens for a reason. }

{It's worth the wait. }

{If it's meant to be it will find a way. }

{Good things fall apart so better things can fall together.}

{There's a bigger plan.}

Drumroll please: {I'm sorry for your loss}

No. Not everything happens for a reason, why would I want something good to fall apart... What could be better than the greatest thing that's ever happened to you... A bigger plan? Because triplets can't be that BIG of a deal. 

{LOSS? Last I checked I was having 3 babies... then I lost 3 babies!}

Losses.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Keeping a good attitude is is obviously important and some will make you believe it's the best way to make through day to day- but sometimes you just can't. You hate everyone, no one understand and you feel like having a pity party- and it's OK. Not everyday has to be perfect. You don't have to be strong, you don't have to put on your fake smile and your fake laugh. 

{We only do that to make other people happy and feel more comfortable.}

I'm not perfect, my life isn't perfect, I'm not going to be in the perfect mood everyday, but I try to be respectful to anyone I see or talk to. Just know sometimes it takes more of an effort than you know. When you ask how are you doing, and I say fine... Good... OK...

What would your reaction be if I said I'm angry, sad, im not OK.

You'd probably be uncomfortable and confused and not know what to say next... 

I have memories of this life that I feel never existed... 

AND So if your curious 

that's how I am doing... 

Somedays are better than others.

-Samone-