Return to Zero is a film, based on a true story.
(bereaved parent's print out is available below it follows along with the movie.)

Last scene in film {return to zero}.

            My story and Return to Zero are different, 
but the emptiness of loss and overwhelming grief all parents, 
moms, feel after this tragedy is similar.  

No loss is the same, no journey is the same and no grief is the same.

You will find, if you have traveled the journey you will share the same thoughts, comments, experiences with so many others that have walked this before you, with you, and will walk this after you. 

"You know what's strange, this pain I feel... I love it. I LOVE it. And I embrace it. I'm afraid if I let it go, I'm going to lose the last little piece if him I still have. It's funny, this thing no one tells you about... about the relationship that begins with them after they die. If I can quiet my head down enough I can feel him... I can hear him."

THIS!

I didn't write it, it's taken from the movie, but it's the EXACT emotion I feel often.

However different our losses are I've notice the same feelings over and over.

The same quotes, same emotions... 

Guilt

• For not being able to prevent what was out of our control for the most part.
• For laughing, or finding happiness again.
• For wanting more children.
• For thinking we did something, ate something, drank something, something from our past...

Anger- This one explains itself.

• (lets be honest) We are mad that the drugged up hooker gets a baby...
• the 16 year old who has no clue.
• the one who doesn't want children and it "just happened".
• the one who aborts.
• and so on... we are angry at everyone. Sorry.

Regret

• Not demanding the doctor to check and re check.
• Not following our instincts, and trusting our doctors know it "all". (even with the best drs we will always wonder)
• Doing "too" much, Not going on Bed rest early enough.
• Should we have ran more test.
• Not knowing to ask the questions we didn't even know needed to be asked.

We realize most of this is out of our control, but it doesn't matter. 

We just wish we could go back and do more.

We will never stop asking,

Did we do enough? 

What if?

The same articles are passed around through support groups and support pages. 

When we finally hear the words that reflect our exact feelings we cling to them. 

We shout "I am not CRAZY!" "Someone else feels exactly the way I do."

Validation that our fears, thoughts and feelings are not just our own!

"The sense of understanding and belonging is invaluable 
and incredibly healing." 

You are not alone. 



HERE is a guide for bereaved parents 
(given by the "Return to Zero" site.)

From hope to hopeless and back again...

Grief is a series of peaks and valleys.

Many good days and many bad, they come out of no where.

This week have been a valley.

I'm not sure why some hours, days and weeks are easier than others, but it's a constant ride.

Today I would have been 26 weeks, and while I can not live in the past, 
I also can't forget.
There are lots of mini goals we set throughout this pregnancy.
The further along we got the better off we would be.
I wouldn't find out.

My bad week had a few bright moments.

I reached out to an Artist who sculpts for a living.

Her sculptures are beautiful and personal. 

She offers all types, custom, or ready to ship.

She has a special place for grieving families, and offers beautiful keepsakes.
Whatever you want she can work with you to create your vision.
Her store is called "The Midnight Orange", her name is Dana.
I contacted her wanting more information on what would represent my family.
She had so many great ideas and during the conversation she said she would like to send me something... when she sent me the photo I nearly hyperventilated.

She said she had made it a few months ago, but never listed it in her Etsy store.
When we were discussing design (monarch wings, triplets...) she knew she had something special, meant for me. It's a charm that can be worn on a chain, or I may make it into an ornament for our tree... the holidays are going to very different this year. I'm not prepared to even think about that.

I took it as a sign. A gift from above, it touched my heart.

But thats not all...
Have you heard of "Molly Bears"? Molly was born still to mother Bridget, who created this AMAZING organization. It gives moms who have lost a chance to hold their babies again... These bears are perfectly weighed to the specification of your babies birth weight. A way to hold your baby, to feel them in your arms. I can tell you first hand how important this is. The ache you feel starts in your heart and takes over your whole body. 
You feel anger and overwhelming devastation.

They use to be free, but over the years (unfortunatly) the demand has rose as her work travelled around the community. These bears are sewn by volunteers... they are non profit. The cost are high and they do this to help families... Once a month they open the request form, with a $20 donation you are added and your bear starts to be produced. It can take a few months to receive this special gift. The total cost of making one bear, is just under $50. They work hard to customize these bears to help you memorialize your child, or children. 

     Dana is good friends with Bridget I had mention Molly Bears to Dana how I thought that was an extraordinary idea and hoped to get my own when I could then I received a message back from, Dana, the artist at "The midnight orange", she had contacted Bridget and wanted sponsored 3 bears for me. I nearly fainted... Seriously?

I will feel them in my arms again. I can cuddle them and hold them.

These incredible humans. They do not know me, only my story and have offered their time, and their work to help me heal. Im speechless and in awe of their hearts.

 God is good.

Someone is looking out for me.

-Samone-

Everyone who has been there, friends, family, strangers, your so precious.

You can not get through this without help. We are healing because of you.

A Letter to my husband

"A Father is not defined by the number of children you see,

 but the amount of love that he holds in his heart" 

To My Grieving husband on Father's Day,

      

     It seems the worst things happen to the best people. You are the most incredible, kind, giving, selfless person I’ve ever met, how I got so lucky I’ll never know. Watching you go through this is heartbreaking. 

{You are STRONG. You are a ROCK. You are a MAN. You are MINE.}

Thank you for being strong enough to cry and share your emotions and fears. Thank you for trusting me with your heart, I treasure it. 

  

 Thank you for working without complaining, even when you are having a bad day and need time to yourself. You've somehow manage to provide more than enough support for both of us, and allowed me to grieve on my own time. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. 

Thank you for putting up with my moods, selfishness, emotions... I know that I am not always easy to deal with. I am emotional, especially this past month. I can be selfish, demanding and angry. You let it all the roll off your back and just hug me. 

{You are an example of what a man IS and should be.}

                                                                                                                     Jordan Holding Jax, our first born.

Aside from giving me my greatest gift, Our Triplets, you've given me my second greatest gift- the freedom to do what I love, whatever that might be. You support us so I can figure out what my passion is. You refuse to let me settle. No more working late nights, dealing with stress and fixing other peoples mistakes...

 You've given me the chance to find MY  calling and go for it.   

You believe in me more than I believe in myself.

-Your Wife-

Happy Fathers Day.
You are the most deserving father.

Country roads.

I live in beautiful East Texas, near the famous first monday trade days most days out here it is quite, peaceful and sunny. When I leave the house I sometimes bring my camera with me. Sometimes I leave with a purpose other times it's just to leave the house, think to myself, listen to music, relax. Many times I will be driving down these country roads, look to my right, and see the most beautiful landscape. The light will be just right, shining through branches reflecting off of a leaf or a flower. Sunlight shining through the clouds over a huge pasture of green grass. 

An old barn patched up with rusty colorful tin.

These are the roads I drive down every day and if I just take the time to look around, I will see  

•it• 

a perfect picture made just for me, and In these moments you realize there is so much more to life. Slowing down, be still, breathe, it's beautiful. You realize quickly how insignificant material things are... Your brain won't allow social media to consume your mind and shut of your thoughts.
Nothing matters but the people around you, living, and being happy.

Sometimes you don't have to go looking for inspiration and hope, just wait and it will come to you.

•The most random things can be beautiful•

Keep moving forward.

As always -thank you thank you thank you- for your support.

Somedays I need it more than others, but it's ALWAYS an encouragement.

"I may have lost but I will gain again in time. 

In the darkest hours of night I remember my bravery.

When my eyes are blinded by tears I remember my beauty.

I am tougher than I think."

-Samone-