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With each day comes a new challenges.
A new dilemma I have to figure out how to navigate.
Like the time between then and now. The time makes them feel further away. & I find way to reel them back in.
I have to learn ways I can remember them and have them as a part of my life without being on the verge of tears everyday.
I'm learning to be their mom, relating to moms, even though I only knew them 19 weeks.
This is challenging.
Having hope for the future and happiness for the present,
Is by far the most delicate and difficult balance.
The most challenge obstacle is dealing with people who don't understand, or don't care. I like to think everyone cares... How can they not. Truth is to the outside world 3 babies died at 19 weeks, and yes it is sad. But they did not know them, they had no bond, But to me my future died with them.
The littlest loves of my life are buried under a tree.
I am 26, I've lost my first and only children, I have to live without them for the rest of my life, a constant missing piece.
Learning how to navigate the never ending announcements of pregnancy and new births.
I take a kick to the gut every.single.time.
It brings me to my knees and have to rebuild myself.
The littlest loves of my life are buried under a tree.
I am 26, I've lost my first and only children, I have to live without them for the rest of my life, a constant missing piece.
Learning how to navigate the never ending announcements of pregnancy and new births.
I take a kick to the gut every.single.time.
It brings me to my knees and have to rebuild myself.
To me my world has stopped. It has died. My passion, my drive, my dreams have died with them. I struggle to find a purpose. My life has stopped... while everyone else around me keeps moving forward.
One day I'm sure I'll have it all back but for today I am empty, I am sad, anxious, I'm a shell.
Old me is gone, new me is trying to figure out who I am.
Old me is gone, new me is trying to figure out who I am.
IF you haven't walked this you will NEVER come close to the heaviness we carry.
I love you Samone, I love your courage. You are my hero.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same when each of my babies died.. thank you for describing it to beautifully. My prayers go out to you!
ReplyDeleteI found your blog from an Instagram post. After reading a few of your posts, I have to leave you a message. My husband and I have been married 8 years, and last summer we were blessed to conceive our first child. I had a natural first trimester miscarriage last year on October 4 (Finley, 6 weeks). We conceived again last December and I had a second trimester miscarriage on April 11. (Oliver, 15 weeks). It was the worst physical and emotional pain I've ever experienced in my life. Both losses happened in the middle of the night without warning. We weren't even able to make it to the hospital with Oliver before he was born (trauma is an understatement, I was in complete shock). We were able to hold Oliver for about an hour. He was perfect and beautiful. I will never forget his face. He had the most beautiful lips, and it looked like he was smiling at us. He never spoke a word on this earth, but has said more to me than anyone ever has.
ReplyDeleteI still miss both of them everyday. I'm happy they're in heaven, but it's still so very sad living without them, and like you said, something that has to be lived with everyday for the rest of your life. You will always love and remember Jax, Stella, and Beck. There is a huge portion of your heart that they and only they will ever have . People won't understand. Most do not. Even some women who have had a miscarriage will not or will choose not to say anything to help. Please don't let a world that is callous towards human life make you believe you can't share your story. My husband and I tell everyone we meet that we have two children, but they died during pregnancy and they're in heaven. I can say that your babies matter to Jesus even if most people stop talking about them or ask how you are doing. You will see them again one day.
Liz Wooten