"Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud. If you get to read that chapter in someone else's story, know that access to it is an honor.
Sometimes the quiet parts carry the most treasure"
I never thought I would be so transparent. Believe it or not I'm actually quite a private person with anything personal, yes I'll always speak my opinions and beliefs but with personal matters I either hold it to myself or disclose to close friends and family.
I'm happy Proud to share this Journey, it's really just about them. Not about me. I'm along for this ride. It's about me speaking their names, celebrating them, creating things for them, loving them.
I will never stop speaking their names.
I will never stop speaking their names.
3 months ago,
I swaddled them up and said goodbye to their cold bodies, placed them in their baby casket. We snapped a few more photos, the only photos we would have of them. Forever frozen in time never to grow, never to walk. Beautiful little bodies photographed. Our most treasured possessions.
We closed the lid and took them home. They didn't ride in a car seat, they rode in their baby casket in the back of our suburban we bought for them. This huge SUV is empty without them, 3 empty seats where their car seats should be.
We brought them inside and sat the casket on our bed. I should have laid with them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them.
I feel so close to them today.
I want to reach out and pick them up again and I remember they are in the ground, across the yard, buried under a tree.
It sickens me.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.
This month has been especially hard on me. As their due date approaches I find myself in a ball of emotions.
Confused...
Everything leads up to this one day.
Confused...
Everything leads up to this one day.
For most people it will be here and gone, just another day. For me it will be finite.
Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.
Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.
Once again I ask myself is it easier?
No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared.
No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared.
This is the only kind of mother I know how to be.
I'm a puzzle with 3 missing pieces.
The text, the calls, the support, the encouragement, the gifts, the care and just speaking their names... Thank you.
This is not something to battle in silence and I am so blessed I don't have to!
Thank you for riding this journey with me and allowing Jax, Stella, and Beck to enter your heart.
This post speaks right to my heart. Although I only know you from what we share in common-multiple loss, I feel connected to you as our losses occurred weeks from each other, on the same gestation week. Both of us gone through infertility and treatments to conceive our precious babies.
ReplyDeleteI'm scared of being pregnant again, even though I'm moving forward with it. I know if it happens and I look at the u/s and see a child/children that aren't what I lost it's going to hurt. To plan a future that isn't what I lost, but what is coming will hurt. The whole pregnancy will be scary due to the loss and will also hurt because it's going to be someone else. I'm trying to draw strength that my babies will be with me through this and knowing that I'm not replacing, just adding. So much love to you Samone. You are an incredible and strong person and believe it or not, your strength has helped me as I'm trying to heal as well. You are truly an inspiration.
I love that, "adding to it not replacing".
DeleteI am so grateful to have met and connected with other woman, no one truly knows, and that's ok, but these woman relate on a whole new level.
We got pregnant with triplets after I lost weight and regulation my hormones, I guess my ovaries were over stimulated. We never expected triplets, but how blessed were we when we found out it was 3. It was a new level of joy. Only to have it ripped from me. My pregnancy, my first, second and third born child. I could not even keep just one! They are better together. I would be heart broken if I seperated them. Thinking of you and I so appreciate your kind words and support. You all give me the strength.
I'm sorry for assuming how you conceived, but that doesn't matter anyways. It's weird, but I know what you mean about them being better together. As much as it hurts not to have my babies with me, I love knowing that they are together until I see them again instead of any one of them alone. I can't wait to see your flags.
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