Wednesday, August 24, 2016

This August is a time of reflection.

In the words of a wise friend, "Have you ever turned something over to God completely?  I personally would pray things like, God, your will....but....if it could be like this, that would be great.  I never really handed things to God entirely.  Except, 1 year ago today."

One year ago I was just starting to rise from the depths of grief... Still fight to save them somehow. I found out about Transabdominal cerclage and how successful they are when you have my condition. I went through 3 surgeons before finding Dr. Fogwell. As soon as we started speaking, every word that left his mouth spoke directly to my feelings and I knew that  was where I was suppose to be. 

AND... SURPRISE. Yes, Surprise. 

We saw 2 pink lines, and a little over 4 weeks pregnant, I had my procedure. I think it has proven to be the most critical and beneficial decision I made this pregnancy. I politely listened to a variety of opinions and knew I had other options, but I chose to have a more invasive surgery that I believed would save the life of this child.

2 weeks crept by then we could finally have our sonogram. 

We counted one. TWO. THREE.
Panic, Horror and HOW?
Thoughts and decisions I would have to make flashed through my mind. Ones I never thought I would consider. No one knows what this moment was like. After burying 3, do you make the choice to give one or two the best odds... I already knew the outcome without the TAC. Would the TAC truly make that much of a difference? Would it REALLY hold like they said it would? I'm going to trust this little "ribbon" tied inside me to keep my babies alive. 
Yes I have faith, yes I know there are plans for us.
Judge me for my weak thoughts, BUT There is no reasoning with a mind that has been scarred with the horror and loss I was just starting to dig my way out of. 

The only thing I felt right with was trusting. Trusting I found about the TAC for a reason, I found the surgeon for a reason, My procedure was covered and paid for- for a reason, I had been given triplets again- for a reason.

I finally let go and handed it over.
At 12 weeks I heard a voice say, "everything is going to be ok". 
I heard it every time I would be on the verge of losing my mind, weak moments, scary moments, in the hospital...
When it became too much for me to actually believe nothing was going wrong.

One year ago I had my TAC placed and the same week found out I was pregnant. 
These profound moments I will never forget. My very own miracle (a second one). 3 healthy babies, born early, but otherwise 100% perfect.

The voice was right.

Everything is ok. 

Maybe miracles aren't as uncommon as we might think. 
They are everywhere. In everyday choices.