Life after Loss...

Tuesday, July 28, 2015


With each day comes a new challenges. 
A new dilemma I have to figure out how to navigate

Like the time between then and now. The time makes them feel further away. & I find way to reel them back in. 

I have to learn ways I can remember them and have them as a part of my life without being on the verge of tears everyday. 

I'm learning to be their mom, relating to moms, even though I only knew them 19 weeks.
This is challenging. 

Having hope for the future and happiness for the present,
Is by far the most delicate and difficult balance. 

The most challenge obstacle is dealing with people who don't understand, or don't care. I like to think everyone cares... How can they not. Truth is to the outside world 3 babies died at 19 weeks, and yes it is sad. But they did not know them, they had no bond, But to me my future died with them. 

The littlest loves of my life are buried under a tree.

I am 26, I've lost my first and only children, I have to live without them for the rest of my life, a constant missing piece. 

Learning how to navigate the never ending announcements of pregnancy and new births.
I take a kick to the gut every.single.time.
It brings me to my knees and have to rebuild myself.

To me my world has stopped. It has died. My passion, my drive, my dreams have died with them. I struggle to find a purpose.  My life has stopped... while everyone else around me keeps moving forward.

 One day I'm sure I'll have it all back but for today I am empty, I am sad, anxious, I'm a shell. 
Old me is gone, new me is trying to figure out who I am.

 IF you haven't walked this you will NEVER come close to the heaviness we carry. 

I am the face of loss.

I was featured on the "Faces of Loss" blog page. 

They are sharing stories to show how common miscarriage, infant and still birth is. 
Showing you are not alone! 
You do not have to be silent.

 It's painful to talk about but with the right people it can be healing, 
and create beautiful friendships. 

Support them by donation that will help produce a new documentary on child loss awareness, and you can also submit your own story.

Held Your Whole Life

Monday, July 20, 2015

I received my Held your Whole Life keepsakes in the mail today.
They were so quick to make and send them out and 
I love the extra touch of the 3 peas in a pod. 

"We exist to give recognition to the babies born in silence when the world wants to say they were not babies since they did not breathe air. We hope that by gifting a keepsake necklace or keychain with your beautiful baby's name on it, you will know that your child counted. We hope that you will find comfort and healing through those of us who have survived, and share your baby’s beautiful name so that we may remember them.

~Asher’s Mommy
Held Your Whole Life, Inc. is a 501c3 Non-Profit Organization"

Having these items helps us to share we hold more in our hearts than you can see.

Jordan's Keychain
My Necklace

I did not have anything with their birthstone so
I made sure to select that as my charm choice.
They added the 3 peas when they found out it was triplets.
Great touch.

They open their form once a month to families wanting a keepsake. 
please share this information with other families you think may benefit.
-they have Facebook and a website-

are critical for them to continue offering this for free.

All they ask is for families to pay the shipping.

"If you would like to sponsor a Held Your Whole Life piece for another grieving mother, you may do so for a $8 donation per piece. A $40 donation will help us give 5 mother's this small gift to hold close to their heart."

Please consider a donation. 

1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss

& If you are holding a perfectly healthy baby in your arms you are
luckier than you know.
& If you have carried a healthy baby to term you are more
blessed than millions of moms.

Despite their colds and and occasional unfavorable health situations
you still have your child. 

Hold them tight, because you do not know when you may have your last hug.

We all have Secrets

Saturday, July 18, 2015

I still reach down and touch my stomach...
 Even thought it's empty I will never forget it was their home.

I still pin to their board on Pinterest.
I won't delete it, the type of "pins" have just changed... 

I look at their photos a few times a week, the only photos 
I'll ever have of them. I refresh my memory of their faces.

The videos too(I'm so grateful for recording the last sonogram I would have.)
Stella was being a Diva. I loved it.

I visit them once a day. I talk to them.

I say their names out loud to myself.
Over and over. 
Different orders Beck Jax Stella. Stella Beck Jax. Jax Stella Beck. 

I want to talk about them, all the time. So you can ask...

I search for everything in 3's.

When I see butterflies or cardinals I think of them. 

I am overwhelmed with envy with I hear a couple has healthy triplets, or higher multiples. 

I feel sick to my stomach when I see someone decorating a nursery in the same colors and patterns...

Yes, I sleep with their bears.

           I wrote a book about them for their future siblings.

I want to say THANK YOU to the moms that wanted to shared their "secrets".
 I hope this can be a looking glasses into our world. Our struggles and fears. 
I hope that this will help you be patient with us. 
Know that this is a life long journey and does not simply disappear after a few years... 
or even after another child.
Some of us may never heal, but we hope to find peace.

" "I dress my bear in her clothes"
"I swear I feel "phantom kicks" Just like when I was pregnant with her"
"I don't want to lose my tummy because I associate it with her [Ella Kate]"

"I have even gone as far as taking their [Cadyn Joseph, Adalyn Grace, Mikayla Michelle] shadow boxes off the wall and bringing them to the basement with me during tornado warnings"

"Four years out and my heart still secretly aches when I have tater tots or chocolate peanut butter milkshakes because those were the foods I craved when I was carrying my boys, Thomas & Nicholas. "

"Its been close to 12 years since my loss and I still think of them [Sydney & Sienna] every time I see a butterfly "

     "That I wish it was me who went and not them [Emma Lee, Chase David]."

"I secretly panic when I hear "boy girl twins""

"I feel sad when someone names their child their names, Jude or Brinly"

What no one tells you...
 Is the bond you have even after they are gone.
 They are not here, and will never return, 
but you hope to feel them around you. 

Return to Zero

Monday, July 13, 2015

Return to Zero is a film, based on a true story.
(bereaved parent's print out is available below it follows along with the movie.)

Last scene in film {return to zero}.

            My story and Return to Zero are different, 
but the emptiness of loss and overwhelming grief all parents, 
moms, feel after this tragedy is similar.  
No loss is the same, no journey is the same and no grief is the same.

You will find, if you have traveled the journey you will share the same thoughts, comments, experiences with so many others that have walked this before you, with you, and will walk this after you. 

"You know what's strange, this pain I feel... I love it. I LOVE it. And I embrace it. I'm afraid if I let it go, I'm going to lose the last little piece if him I still have. It's funny, this thing no one tells you about... about the relationship that begins with them after they die. If I can quiet my head down enough I can feel him... I can hear him."

I didn't write it, it's taken from the movie, but it's the EXACT emotion I feel often.

However different our losses are I've notice the same feelings over and over.
The same quotes, same emotions... 

  • For not being able to prevent what was out of our control for the most part.
  • For laughing, or finding happiness again.
  • For wanting more children.
  • For thinking we did something, ate something, drank something, something from our past...

Anger- This one explains itself.
  • (lets be honest) We are mad that the drugged up hooker gets a baby...
  • the 16 year old who has no clue.
  • the one who doesn't want children and it "just happened".
  • the one who aborts.
  • and so on... we are angry at everyone. Sorry.

  • Not demanding the doctor to check and re check.
  • Not following our instincts, and trusting our doctors know it "all". (even with the best drs we will always wonder)
  • Doing "too" much, Not going on Bed rest early enough.
  • Should we have ran more test.
  • Not knowing to ask the questions we didn't even know needed to be asked.

We realize most of this is out of our control, but it doesn't matter. 
We just wish we could go back and do more.
We will never stop asking,
Did we do enough? 
What if?

The same articles are passed around through support groups and support pages. 
When we finally hear the words that reflect our exact feelings we cling to them. 
We shout "I am not CRAZY!" "Someone else feels exactly the way I do."

Validation that our fears, thoughts and feelings are not just our own!
"The sense of understanding and belonging is invaluable 
and incredibly healing." 

You are not alone. 

HERE is a guide for bereaved parents 
(given by the "Return to Zero" site.)

Is Ignorance bliss?

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Would Not knowing what it's like to be their mom make my life "easier"?

Not having known my children would mean I wouldn't miss them every second of every day.

 I wouldn't have to look into the future and realize they will [forever] be missing. 
Missing from family photos... Holidays... Birthdays...

I wouldn't have to face the fact I'll never see any of their milestones. First steps, words, graduation, weddings. 
Big or small.

I wouldn't have my heart shatter at the silence that should be full of their cries and laughter. 

The words "I love you mommy" wouldn't be missed and longed for. 

I wouldn't be suffocating in tears every time I realize this is real, they are not coming back, I can't wake up, I don't have a second chance. 

I wouldn't have to feel the heartache, have reason for the gallons of tears, I wouldn't have puffy eyes and dark circles, & I wouldn't be a mess.

I would be blissfully ignorant. 

Pregnancy did not happen easy for us.
It took years, it took praying, it took crying and begging.
Then, like a miracle, my cries were heard, prayers answered and the wait was over.
Then overnight gone. 

Is ignorance bliss? 

 As painful as every second and everyday will be, no matter how many tears I cry and no matter how many children I go on to have.  They are my unique gift not many get. 
They are apart of my story and, they are, my favorite chapter and also my most tragic.  
I will talk about them, celebrate them, cry about them.
I can't see them but if I quiet my aching heart I may feel them.

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief.
But the pain of grief is only a 
shadow when compared 
with the pain of never risking love.” 
- Hilary Stanton Zunin 

Surviving 2 months.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

I've survived 2 months.
2 months of them gone.
For 2 months my babies have been in Heaven.

It's sinking in that less than 3 months I would have been holding my 3 babies,
 small, healthy, tiny premies... but with the best odds.
Every hope. Every dream. Gone.

I only had 19 weeks with them. 
I can't remember how they felt like inside me. 
I wish I had enjoyed every moment of pregnancy,
                                     instead I spent those 19 weeks scared. 
Scared of exactly what happened.
I was robbed of my pregnancy, something we wanted so bad.
My excitement and joy was always blended with terror and anxiety. 

I'm so angry.

2 months later... I can tell you it's not 
any easier. 
There are more good days than bad days, 
but the bad are BAD. 
They sneak up and sometimes I can't catch my breath.
Sometimes the pain can last only a few minutes other times it can last a few hours,
 and then other times you're stuck in the cycle for a couple of days
 eventually you make it down the hill.

I have Hope. Always.
Sometimes I ask "why" why God did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to meet them as beautiful as they were.

We were Blessed to have met them, 
and to have held them.