Some people probably think I'm crazy, or worse, 

for being this open.

but I KNOW I am being helpful.
I will not apologize or be ashamed.

I would not be where I am right now without the help, research and knowledge of other woman who have been exactly where I am now. Their testimonies, their loses and their happiness after the darkest time in their life; reading their experiences gave me hope. When you've lost everything,

Hope is the ONLY thing you have to hold on to.

I announce the news of my surgery being covered by my insurance!
All my hospital visits, procedures, and their birth have led me to meet my deductibles and out-of-pockets for the year. (strange to be happy about that...)

They have approved this procedure as medically necessary, not experimental! 

Thank you LORD. 
We would have paid it without hesitation, regardless, but what a blessing to have one less burden on our plate.

Let me say that God broke me down and is slowly building me back up. That is what it felt like when I found out what a Trans-abdominal Cerclage was. The tears, the anger, devastation overwhelmed me. Why couldn't I know then what I know now... 

WHY CAN'T I HAVE A SECOND CHANCE.

I'm taking this as my second chance. 

It's all very bitter-sweet, I say this as tears well up in my eyes.

It's tears of happiness and sadness.

Thank you for the prayers and encouragements. 

If I haven't thanked you personally 

-PLEASE-

know that your actions are seen and heard and felt.

You are all an important part of my story.

MY SURGERY IS SET FOR WED, AUG 26TH.

Be your own hero...

Should be my new motto.

If words like cervix, transvaginal, uterus bother you- turn back now!

Who knew this journey would have so many medical terms and obstacles along the way...

This post is to educate and explain your options if you are a woman who may be in the same situation. 

Incompetent Cerivx, IC, weak cervix  etc... this is something that does not get enough exposure but nearly 1 in 100 pregnancies are lost each year due to some sort of IC. It's not commonly tested for, and I only know if this because I had a dear friend who lost a baby girl 3 years ago and if it happened to her, why couldn’t it happen to me? This was always in the forefront of my mind and that is what caused me to really monitor my body and say something when I did.

"Incompetent cervix is not routinely checked for during pregnancy and therefore is not usually diagnosed until after a second or third trimester miscarriage has occurred. Women can be evaluated before pregnancy, or in early pregnancy by ultrasound, if they have any of the factors that are potential causes of incompetent cervix. Diagnosis can be made by your physician though a pelvic exam or by an ultrasound. The ultrasound would be used to measure the cervical opening or the length of the cervix."

Because of there is lack of proactivity, woman have to suffer loss after loss before a solution is put in place.

THIS IS A PROBLEM.

Some Doctors encourage you to "just wait and see"

How many women would be ok with, "Lets wait and see if your body will hold your baby, or if it will go into labor too early to save your child"

If you're reading this chances are you have heard our story. 

According to the many conversations I've had with Drs I had preterm labor secondary to Incompetent cervix with Jax, Stella and Beck that ultimately sent me into preterm labor. My body was unable to hold the growing bodies of my babies, I started to dilate and thankfully I followed my instincts had my Dr check everything at 16 weeks. 

I saw the worry on his face and he sent me straight to the hospital where he preform an emergency cerclage(TVC) with only 1.5mm of cervix remaining to work with. (That's not a lot. At.all.)
By the time we realized all that was happening it was really too late... but we did all that we could do at that time. 

I can't begin to tell you how long those 2 hours felt, the fear, panic. 

I was sewn closed. 

He said I was my own hero that day. 

I stayed in the hospital a few days while they pumped me full of antibiotics and 

monitored how it was holding.

2 weeks later I funneled down to the stitch Jax's head was down, 

 "knocking at heavens doors". 

(I'm allowed some dark humor) 

This is worst case scenario at only 19 weeks. 

This is why multiples are so rare and so high risk.
Through everything I've researched and women I've talked to ...You can almost guarantee your going to have cervical complications carrying multiples. Preterm delivery is extremely common, your body thinks your further along than you are... but I had a few things working against me. 

All of this worth every second I had with them. They lit a fire in me and I'm determined to do everything I can to change the outcome for their siblings.

     I'd like to ask for prayers.

Prayers for a clear mind while we make a decision that can alter our family's future forever.

 we face a difficult, but life changing decision. 

We can use the TVC (transvaginal cerclage) -again- (technically)I don't think it failed me, but  I truly dd not have it long enough to find out and with a TVC you are on bed rest. However with a TAC (transadominal cerclage) they are placed much higher and it's *almost* impossible to funnel past the band or rupture membranes. This virtually guarantees I will make it full term, although anything can happen. 

I feel like I have no control over anything, but this is something I can do.

It's like a broken record in my head 'Could I have done more'...but now armed with knowledge, I can do more. They did not die in vain and I will do everything I can for them even though they are gone.

I need guidance on which to go with,

I've survived I'm surviving the loss of my first 3 babies- I can not do it again whether 1 2 or 3 again. 

Here is why the decision is more complicated than it seems- the TAC (transadominal) is a surgery. They cut you open like a csection, go around abdominal muscles and place the band at the highest point of your cervix. Once it is placed it's permanent. &You must have a c-section delivery. 

All terrifying for many reason.

But the possibility of losing another child is unbearable.

Did I mention there's only about 10 surgeons in the US that preform this procedure... leading surgeons are- #1 Dr.Haney in Chicago, #2 Dr. Davis in Tennessee. Neither are close to me. I could follow the trend- travel to Chicago and have the best surgeon place, but I located 2 highly recommended Drs in DFW. I meet with one tomorrow and the other Monday Aug. 17th.
I spoke directly with Dr. Haney and he is confident the TAC is the way to go, yes there are risk, there are always risk, but I am weighing my options.

 This decision is life changing and ultimately child saving. 

TVC is less invasion and successful around 80% of the time. They are removable and you can deliver naturally. This is what I had placed, and it held, but I funneled which is a concern- as the baby grows it presses on that stitch and it can possibly rip causing damage, or you may funnel past the stitch a that will cause premature rupture of membranes and preterm birth.

I hope if you are reading this you realize you have options. 

Trust your doctors, but ultimately you have to be willing to save yourself. 

Fight for what you want and search until you've found someone that will support you.

I have no idea what I plan to do at this point. I'm praying for clarity and comfort. I've had a lot of anxiety over this decision ever since I found out I have choices. When you read the facts- it's a pretty clear choice, TAC.

When Jax Stella and Beck were born so much blood was lost no one thought I would survive... facing a c-section scares me, and possible complications from the TAC and recovery, and so on. 

Our journey isn't easy, but it will be worth it.
Jax Stella and Beck's lives were not in vain they will save all their future siblings.
I only wish I could ave saved them. I promise I will not let them down. 

I plan on sharing this journey as well...
My procedure my recovery... and I hope beautiful things come from this.

All because of Jax Stella and Beck. They lit a fire in me no one can put out. 

3 Months

"Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud. If you get to read that chapter in someone else's story, know that access to it is an honor. 

Sometimes the quiet parts carry the most treasure"

I never thought I would be so transparent. Believe it or not I'm actually quite a private person with anything personal, yes I'll always speak my opinions and beliefs but with personal matters I either hold it to myself or disclose to close friends and family. 

I'm happy Proud to share this Journey, it's really just about them. Not about me. I'm along for this ride. It's about me speaking their names, celebrating them, creating things for them, loving them.
I will never stop speaking their names. 

3 months ago,

I swaddled them up and said goodbye to their cold bodies, placed them in their baby casket. We snapped a few more photos, the only photos we would have of them. Forever frozen in time never to grow, never to walk. Beautiful little bodies photographed. Our most treasured possessions. 

We closed the lid and took them home. They didn't ride in a car seat, they rode in their baby casket in the back of our suburban we bought for them. This huge SUV is empty without them, 3 empty seats where their car seats should be. 

We brought them inside and sat the casket on our bed. I should have laid with them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them. 

I feel so close to them today. 

I want to reach out and pick them up again and I remember they are in the ground, across the yard, buried under a tree. 

It sickens me.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.

This month has been especially hard on me. As their due date approaches I find myself in a ball of emotions.

Confused...

Everything leads up to this one day.

For most people it will be here and gone, just another day. For me it will be finite.


Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.

Once again I ask myself is it easier?

          No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared. 

This is the only kind of mother I know how to be. 

I'm a puzzle with 3 missing pieces.

 The text, the calls, the support, the encouragement, the gifts, the care and just speaking their names... Thank you. 

This is not something to battle in silence and I am so blessed I don't have to! 

Thank you for riding this journey with me and allowing Jax, Stella, and Beck to enter your heart.

I am the face of loss.

I was featured on the "Faces of Loss" blog page. 

They are sharing stories to show how common miscarriage, infant and still birth is. 

Showing you are not alone! 

You do not have to be silent.

 It's painful to talk about but with the right people it can be healing, 

and create beautiful friendships. 

Support them by donation that will help produce a new documentary on child loss awareness, and you can also submit your own story.

Held Your Whole Life

I received my Held your Whole Life keepsakes in the mail today.

They were so quick to make and send them out and 

I love the extra touch of the 3 peas in a pod. 

"We exist to give recognition to the babies born in silence when the world wants to say they were not babies since they did not breathe air. We hope that by gifting a keepsake necklace or keychain with your beautiful baby's name on it, you will know that your child counted. We hope that you will find comfort and healing through those of us who have survived, and share your baby’s beautiful name so that we may remember them.

~Asher’s Mommy

Held Your Whole Life, Inc. is a 501c3 Non-Profit Organization"

Having these items helps us to share we hold more in our hearts than you can see.

Jordan's Keychain

My Necklace

I did not have anything with their birthstone so
I made sure to select that as my charm choice.
They added the 3 peas when they found out it was triplets.
Great touch.

They open their form once a month to families wanting a keepsake. 
please share this information with other families you think may benefit.
-they have Facebook and a website-


Donations
are critical for them to continue offering this for free.
All they ask is for families to pay the shipping.


"If you would like to sponsor a Held Your Whole Life piece for another grieving mother, you may do so for a $8 donation per piece. A $40 donation will help us give 5 mother's this small gift to hold close to their heart."

Please consider a donation. 



1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss

& If you are holding a perfectly healthy baby in your arms you are
luckier than you know.
& If you have carried a healthy baby to term you are more
blessed than millions of moms.

Despite their colds and and occasional unfavorable health situations
you still have your child. 
Hold them tight, because you do not know when you may have your last hug.

Return to Zero

Return to Zero is a film, based on a true story.
(bereaved parent's print out is available below it follows along with the movie.)

Last scene in film {return to zero}.

            My story and Return to Zero are different, 
but the emptiness of loss and overwhelming grief all parents, 
moms, feel after this tragedy is similar.  

No loss is the same, no journey is the same and no grief is the same.

You will find, if you have traveled the journey you will share the same thoughts, comments, experiences with so many others that have walked this before you, with you, and will walk this after you. 

"You know what's strange, this pain I feel... I love it. I LOVE it. And I embrace it. I'm afraid if I let it go, I'm going to lose the last little piece if him I still have. It's funny, this thing no one tells you about... about the relationship that begins with them after they die. If I can quiet my head down enough I can feel him... I can hear him."

THIS!

I didn't write it, it's taken from the movie, but it's the EXACT emotion I feel often.

However different our losses are I've notice the same feelings over and over.

The same quotes, same emotions... 

Guilt

• For not being able to prevent what was out of our control for the most part.
• For laughing, or finding happiness again.
• For wanting more children.
• For thinking we did something, ate something, drank something, something from our past...

Anger- This one explains itself.

• (lets be honest) We are mad that the drugged up hooker gets a baby...
• the 16 year old who has no clue.
• the one who doesn't want children and it "just happened".
• the one who aborts.
• and so on... we are angry at everyone. Sorry.

Regret

• Not demanding the doctor to check and re check.
• Not following our instincts, and trusting our doctors know it "all". (even with the best drs we will always wonder)
• Doing "too" much, Not going on Bed rest early enough.
• Should we have ran more test.
• Not knowing to ask the questions we didn't even know needed to be asked.

We realize most of this is out of our control, but it doesn't matter. 

We just wish we could go back and do more.

We will never stop asking,

Did we do enough? 

What if?

The same articles are passed around through support groups and support pages. 

When we finally hear the words that reflect our exact feelings we cling to them. 

We shout "I am not CRAZY!" "Someone else feels exactly the way I do."

Validation that our fears, thoughts and feelings are not just our own!

"The sense of understanding and belonging is invaluable 
and incredibly healing." 

You are not alone. 



HERE is a guide for bereaved parents 
(given by the "Return to Zero" site.)

Is Ignorance bliss?

Would Not knowing what it's like to be their mom make my life "easier"?

Not having known my children would mean I wouldn't miss them every second of every day.

 I wouldn't have to look into the future and realize they will [forever] be missing. 

Missing from family photos... Holidays... Birthdays...

I wouldn't have to face the fact I'll never see any of their milestones. First steps, words, graduation, weddings. 

Big or small.

I wouldn't have my heart shatter at the silence that should be full of their cries and laughter. 

The words "I love you mommy" wouldn't be missed and longed for. 

I wouldn't be suffocating in tears every time I realize this is real, they are not coming back, I can't wake up, I don't have a second chance. 

I wouldn't have to feel the heartache, have reason for the gallons of tears, I wouldn't have puffy eyes and dark circles, & I wouldn't be a mess.

I would be blissfully ignorant. 

Pregnancy did not happen easy for us.

It took years, it took praying, it took crying and begging.

Then, like a miracle, my cries were heard, prayers answered and the wait was over.

Then overnight gone. 

Is ignorance bliss? 

No.

 As painful as every second and everyday will be, no matter how many tears I cry and no matter how many children I go on to have.  They are my unique gift not many get. 

They are apart of my story and, they are, my favorite chapter and also my most tragic.  

I will talk about them, celebrate them, cry about them.

I can't see them but if I quiet my aching heart I may feel them.

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief.
But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared 
with the pain of never risking love.” 
- Hilary Stanton Zunin 

Surviving 2 months.

I've survived 2 months.

2 months of them gone.

For 2 months my babies have been in Heaven.

It's sinking in that less than 3 months I would have been holding my 3 babies,
 small, healthy, tiny premies... but with the best odds.

Every hope. Every dream. Gone.

I only had 19 weeks with them. 

I can't remember how they felt like inside me. 

I wish I had enjoyed every moment of pregnancy,

                                     instead I spent those 19 weeks scared. 

Scared of exactly what happened.

I was robbed of my pregnancy, something we wanted so bad.

My excitement and joy was always blended with terror and anxiety. 

I'm so angry.

2 months later... I can tell you it's not 

any easier. 

There are more good days than bad days, 

but the bad are BAD. 

They sneak up and sometimes I can't catch my breath.

Sometimes the pain can last only a few minutes other times it can last a few hours,

 and then other times you're stuck in the cycle for a couple of days

 eventually you make it down the hill.

     -BUT-

I have Hope. Always.

Sometimes I ask "why" why God did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to meet them as beautiful as they were.

We were Blessed to have met them, 

and to have held them.

-Samone-

From hope to hopeless and back again...

Grief is a series of peaks and valleys.

Many good days and many bad, they come out of no where.

This week have been a valley.

I'm not sure why some hours, days and weeks are easier than others, but it's a constant ride.

Today I would have been 26 weeks, and while I can not live in the past, 
I also can't forget.
There are lots of mini goals we set throughout this pregnancy.
The further along we got the better off we would be.
I wouldn't find out.

My bad week had a few bright moments.

I reached out to an Artist who sculpts for a living.

Her sculptures are beautiful and personal. 

She offers all types, custom, or ready to ship.

She has a special place for grieving families, and offers beautiful keepsakes.
Whatever you want she can work with you to create your vision.
Her store is called "The Midnight Orange", her name is Dana.
I contacted her wanting more information on what would represent my family.
She had so many great ideas and during the conversation she said she would like to send me something... when she sent me the photo I nearly hyperventilated.

She said she had made it a few months ago, but never listed it in her Etsy store.
When we were discussing design (monarch wings, triplets...) she knew she had something special, meant for me. It's a charm that can be worn on a chain, or I may make it into an ornament for our tree... the holidays are going to very different this year. I'm not prepared to even think about that.

I took it as a sign. A gift from above, it touched my heart.

But thats not all...
Have you heard of "Molly Bears"? Molly was born still to mother Bridget, who created this AMAZING organization. It gives moms who have lost a chance to hold their babies again... These bears are perfectly weighed to the specification of your babies birth weight. A way to hold your baby, to feel them in your arms. I can tell you first hand how important this is. The ache you feel starts in your heart and takes over your whole body. 
You feel anger and overwhelming devastation.

They use to be free, but over the years (unfortunatly) the demand has rose as her work travelled around the community. These bears are sewn by volunteers... they are non profit. The cost are high and they do this to help families... Once a month they open the request form, with a $20 donation you are added and your bear starts to be produced. It can take a few months to receive this special gift. The total cost of making one bear, is just under $50. They work hard to customize these bears to help you memorialize your child, or children. 

     Dana is good friends with Bridget I had mention Molly Bears to Dana how I thought that was an extraordinary idea and hoped to get my own when I could then I received a message back from, Dana, the artist at "The midnight orange", she had contacted Bridget and wanted sponsored 3 bears for me. I nearly fainted... Seriously?

I will feel them in my arms again. I can cuddle them and hold them.

These incredible humans. They do not know me, only my story and have offered their time, and their work to help me heal. Im speechless and in awe of their hearts.

 God is good.

Someone is looking out for me.

-Samone-

Everyone who has been there, friends, family, strangers, your so precious.

You can not get through this without help. We are healing because of you.

What is Strength?

How are you so strong?

I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. 

I feel sad, weak, confused, bitter, angry.

I struggle getting out of bed, I struggle leaving the house, I struggle being around people

It's not a matter of being strong or looking strong- it's a matter of survival. 

You don't move on, you don't let go, you don't recover from this. You survive it, or maybe you learn to cope. I am no expert, but it seems you learn to survive this life in your own way because everything has changed.

I've lost 3 times over. 3 babies at once. 

Each of them would have had their 

own accomplishment and goals, 

I've lost all of it. 3 of everything.

You want so badly to live life the same day by day because you can't imagine moving on- you can imagine life not working out the way you thought it was...

You feel stuck in this rhythm of what you think is still going to happen, eventually you realize that has all changed and you now how to figure out where to go from there. 

So when you tell me I am brave or strong- you are so kind. And it does give me the nudge I might have needed in that moment, and the thought that I maybe I'm doing this right... That maybe I am strong and brave!

Truth is...
I DONT HAVE A CHOICE.

When I smile, laugh,  relax, do something for myself- it's all I can do to survive, that's what i am doing, surviving. In between my struggles day to day- I try to find the smiles, laughter and light.




-Samone-

Country roads.

I live in beautiful East Texas, near the famous first monday trade days most days out here it is quite, peaceful and sunny. When I leave the house I sometimes bring my camera with me. Sometimes I leave with a purpose other times it's just to leave the house, think to myself, listen to music, relax. Many times I will be driving down these country roads, look to my right, and see the most beautiful landscape. The light will be just right, shining through branches reflecting off of a leaf or a flower. Sunlight shining through the clouds over a huge pasture of green grass. 

An old barn patched up with rusty colorful tin.

These are the roads I drive down every day and if I just take the time to look around, I will see  

•it• 

a perfect picture made just for me, and In these moments you realize there is so much more to life. Slowing down, be still, breathe, it's beautiful. You realize quickly how insignificant material things are... Your brain won't allow social media to consume your mind and shut of your thoughts.
Nothing matters but the people around you, living, and being happy.

Sometimes you don't have to go looking for inspiration and hope, just wait and it will come to you.

•The most random things can be beautiful•

Keep moving forward.

As always -thank you thank you thank you- for your support.

Somedays I need it more than others, but it's ALWAYS an encouragement.

"I may have lost but I will gain again in time. 

In the darkest hours of night I remember my bravery.

When my eyes are blinded by tears I remember my beauty.

I am tougher than I think."

-Samone-

One month...

Month 1 of the rest of my life without them.

I heard that you never 
:get over the loss: or :move on:
 -you learn how to survive it.
How am I? Surviving!

I am still hoping I am going to wake up...

The past 4 days have been shockingly rough... 

Last Tuesday we were back from vacation and I was in good spirits- 

motivated, smiling, optimistic- it all went down hill from there...

the rest of the week I was tired, sluggish, uninterested in anything. My follow up appt. was approaching and I think I was dreading the possibility of resurfaced feelings- 

that were already still so fresh, 

and to be back there seemed unreal.

                                                

I had my follow up with my doctor on Monday (yesterday). The pain of walking into that office, no longer pregnant, and there for a very different reason triggered tears, disappointment, anger and worry. I was having anxiety the day and night before...I was stuck replaying the slide show of the past 5 months over and over. I wondered what would we discuss, how would we interact, would it be awkward, or comfortable.

It's similar to the night before their memorial. The build up was worst than the actual day. The gash you've tried to seal up gets ripped open-and you have to start over. You prepared for the worse. Your feelings, crying in front of people (which can quickly make them uncomfortable and confused on how to help). I me not knowing how to respond to the typical- I'm sorry-.

During the visit my Doctor, who I feel is more of a friend than my doctor, talked about them, talked about the birth, what I remember and what I don't, he mentioned it being a small miricale I went into shock when I did. An event like that is something you won't want to have to remember. We talked about how I was doing,

 Jordan and I's relationship. 

(Statistics are sadly high for divorce after loss of a child)  

and then we got to talk about our future plans. 

Of course tears flowed a few times and but it turned out to be a relief, and very comforting. There are fears and questions, but there is hope. 

After the appt. I went to lunch with my mom, who attended the appt with me, it made this day a lot better than it could have turned out! It's been good to have the company of others to distract, comfort and share laughter. 

People that understand. That feel what you feel. 
Some days I just can't leave the house, but the times I do I mostly enjoy myself. I get overwhelmed quickly and easily triggered, but you can't allow yourself to get stuck in your comfort zone. If I allow myself too much time alone thinking... I start to spiral into sadness and what-ifs.

 I love my story. As much as I feel defeated some days, devastated... like I can't go on- I am proud of this life. I might not have my perfect ending, but this is only one chapter in my book. Probably my favorite chapter, and I would never rewrite it or delete it.
 I love them and they are mine. 
Always a part of me.

I decorated Jax, Stella and Beck's grave.

I am so grateful to have them close by.

I drove to Dallas to take care of plans for a future dedication to my babies.

It went perfectly and I am SO looking forward to the next step in healing.

Yesterday was surprisingly OK and so was today. 

I am currently content. 

-Samone-