May 2 2016

365 days since I last saw your little faces.

Life is so wonderful and more than I could ever imagined possible a year ago. It looks almost perfect from the outside looking in, but the truth is, it's never going to be fully complete just like I'll never fully heal. All these emotions and memories only become tolerable, never easier. 

I was sent three perfect miracles that have brought a level of healing some people will never have. How such an amazing blessing landed in my lap is only explained by a miracle. 

Sometimes I just like to pretend you three were sent back to me... And you really aren't gone.

Thank you for my perfect miracles. I know you guarded them&

I look for each of you in their faces. 

I will share (for the benefit of others that are or will brave the journey again...)

This pregnancy I put myself on auto pilot just wanted to get past the weeks and to the day I would meet them... Some days, most days, I believed I would lose them also. Constantly waiting for the "other shoe to drop" why wouldn't it... When something so horrific has happened once, you'll never feel exempt from disaster again. You'll never say never... 

You actually believe it's just part of your normal. I was actually convinced if nothing happened to them... It would be me. I was not going to be able to enjoy them... They weren't "real" yet, and maybe they never would be to me.

I was petrified during the entire csection... Waiting for my stats to drop, blood loss, I was the crazy patient that in the days leading up I was asking about iron infusions and blood transfusions to make sure I could have control of something... I would do anything to make sure it all went ok.

Time ticked by so slow it seemed like forever while I was in the middle of it, but now it's over, they are here. Safe. So I am. It happened So much faster than I thought possible. It's bitter sweet. I don't regret being fearful or closing myself up- that's what you do when you've lost a child, children and you've been put back at the start of a scary similar race...

BUT

 If there's one thing I've learned is time stops for no one. It keeps going and that's a good thing because it keeps you going too. For now my mind is still trying to catch up to my body.. 
I'm desperately trying to comprehend the fact they are indeed mine, all mine.
They are here with me...

To my children, What an amazing gift you've given me and what priceless lessons you've all taught me. You've given me something to stand for and live for. I will not stop talking, because my children are worth talking about and what I suffered through, my diagnosis, was and IS preventable. 

I WILL speak out for my children, and for others. 

Our Family Tradition.

May 2015

May 2, 2016

To know me Is to know them. 

Who I am right now, today, is because of them. I have more compassion, empathy and sensitivity than I've ever carried. They are a blessing not a sad story. 

3 Months

"Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud. If you get to read that chapter in someone else's story, know that access to it is an honor. 

Sometimes the quiet parts carry the most treasure"

I never thought I would be so transparent. Believe it or not I'm actually quite a private person with anything personal, yes I'll always speak my opinions and beliefs but with personal matters I either hold it to myself or disclose to close friends and family. 

I'm happy Proud to share this Journey, it's really just about them. Not about me. I'm along for this ride. It's about me speaking their names, celebrating them, creating things for them, loving them.
I will never stop speaking their names. 

3 months ago,

I swaddled them up and said goodbye to their cold bodies, placed them in their baby casket. We snapped a few more photos, the only photos we would have of them. Forever frozen in time never to grow, never to walk. Beautiful little bodies photographed. Our most treasured possessions. 

We closed the lid and took them home. They didn't ride in a car seat, they rode in their baby casket in the back of our suburban we bought for them. This huge SUV is empty without them, 3 empty seats where their car seats should be. 

We brought them inside and sat the casket on our bed. I should have laid with them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them. 

I feel so close to them today. 

I want to reach out and pick them up again and I remember they are in the ground, across the yard, buried under a tree. 

It sickens me.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.

This month has been especially hard on me. As their due date approaches I find myself in a ball of emotions.

Confused...

Everything leads up to this one day.

For most people it will be here and gone, just another day. For me it will be finite.


Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.

Once again I ask myself is it easier?

          No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared. 

This is the only kind of mother I know how to be. 

I'm a puzzle with 3 missing pieces.

 The text, the calls, the support, the encouragement, the gifts, the care and just speaking their names... Thank you. 

This is not something to battle in silence and I am so blessed I don't have to! 

Thank you for riding this journey with me and allowing Jax, Stella, and Beck to enter your heart.

Life after Loss...

x3

With each day comes a new challenges. 

A new dilemma I have to figure out how to navigate. 

Like the time between then and now. The time makes them feel further away. & I find way to reel them back in. 

I have to learn ways I can remember them and have them as a part of my life without being on the verge of tears everyday. 

I'm learning to be their mom, relating to moms, even though I only knew them 19 weeks.

This is challenging. 

Having hope for the future and happiness for the present,

Is by far the most delicate and difficult balance. 

The most challenge obstacle is dealing with people who don't understand, or don't care. I like to think everyone cares... How can they not. Truth is to the outside world 3 babies died at 19 weeks, and yes it is sad. But they did not know them, they had no bond, But to me my future died with them. 

The littlest loves of my life are buried under a tree.



I am 26, I've lost my first and only children, I have to live without them for the rest of my life, a constant missing piece. 

Learning how to navigate the never ending announcements of pregnancy and new births.
I take a kick to the gut every.single.time.
It brings me to my knees and have to rebuild myself.

To me my world has stopped. It has died. My passion, my drive, my dreams have died with them. I struggle to find a purpose.  My life has stopped... while everyone else around me keeps moving forward.

 One day I'm sure I'll have it all back but for today I am empty, I am sad, anxious, I'm a shell. 
Old me is gone, new me is trying to figure out who I am.

 IF you haven't walked this you will NEVER come close to the heaviness we carry. 

Held Your Whole Life

I received my Held your Whole Life keepsakes in the mail today.

They were so quick to make and send them out and 

I love the extra touch of the 3 peas in a pod. 

"We exist to give recognition to the babies born in silence when the world wants to say they were not babies since they did not breathe air. We hope that by gifting a keepsake necklace or keychain with your beautiful baby's name on it, you will know that your child counted. We hope that you will find comfort and healing through those of us who have survived, and share your baby’s beautiful name so that we may remember them.

~Asher’s Mommy

Held Your Whole Life, Inc. is a 501c3 Non-Profit Organization"

Having these items helps us to share we hold more in our hearts than you can see.

Jordan's Keychain

My Necklace

I did not have anything with their birthstone so
I made sure to select that as my charm choice.
They added the 3 peas when they found out it was triplets.
Great touch.

They open their form once a month to families wanting a keepsake. 
please share this information with other families you think may benefit.
-they have Facebook and a website-


Donations
are critical for them to continue offering this for free.
All they ask is for families to pay the shipping.


"If you would like to sponsor a Held Your Whole Life piece for another grieving mother, you may do so for a $8 donation per piece. A $40 donation will help us give 5 mother's this small gift to hold close to their heart."

Please consider a donation. 



1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss

& If you are holding a perfectly healthy baby in your arms you are
luckier than you know.
& If you have carried a healthy baby to term you are more
blessed than millions of moms.

Despite their colds and and occasional unfavorable health situations
you still have your child. 
Hold them tight, because you do not know when you may have your last hug.

Return to Zero

Return to Zero is a film, based on a true story.
(bereaved parent's print out is available below it follows along with the movie.)

Last scene in film {return to zero}.

            My story and Return to Zero are different, 
but the emptiness of loss and overwhelming grief all parents, 
moms, feel after this tragedy is similar.  

No loss is the same, no journey is the same and no grief is the same.

You will find, if you have traveled the journey you will share the same thoughts, comments, experiences with so many others that have walked this before you, with you, and will walk this after you. 

"You know what's strange, this pain I feel... I love it. I LOVE it. And I embrace it. I'm afraid if I let it go, I'm going to lose the last little piece if him I still have. It's funny, this thing no one tells you about... about the relationship that begins with them after they die. If I can quiet my head down enough I can feel him... I can hear him."

THIS!

I didn't write it, it's taken from the movie, but it's the EXACT emotion I feel often.

However different our losses are I've notice the same feelings over and over.

The same quotes, same emotions... 

Guilt

• For not being able to prevent what was out of our control for the most part.
• For laughing, or finding happiness again.
• For wanting more children.
• For thinking we did something, ate something, drank something, something from our past...

Anger- This one explains itself.

• (lets be honest) We are mad that the drugged up hooker gets a baby...
• the 16 year old who has no clue.
• the one who doesn't want children and it "just happened".
• the one who aborts.
• and so on... we are angry at everyone. Sorry.

Regret

• Not demanding the doctor to check and re check.
• Not following our instincts, and trusting our doctors know it "all". (even with the best drs we will always wonder)
• Doing "too" much, Not going on Bed rest early enough.
• Should we have ran more test.
• Not knowing to ask the questions we didn't even know needed to be asked.

We realize most of this is out of our control, but it doesn't matter. 

We just wish we could go back and do more.

We will never stop asking,

Did we do enough? 

What if?

The same articles are passed around through support groups and support pages. 

When we finally hear the words that reflect our exact feelings we cling to them. 

We shout "I am not CRAZY!" "Someone else feels exactly the way I do."

Validation that our fears, thoughts and feelings are not just our own!

"The sense of understanding and belonging is invaluable 
and incredibly healing." 

You are not alone. 



HERE is a guide for bereaved parents 
(given by the "Return to Zero" site.)

Is Ignorance bliss?

Would Not knowing what it's like to be their mom make my life "easier"?

Not having known my children would mean I wouldn't miss them every second of every day.

 I wouldn't have to look into the future and realize they will [forever] be missing. 

Missing from family photos... Holidays... Birthdays...

I wouldn't have to face the fact I'll never see any of their milestones. First steps, words, graduation, weddings. 

Big or small.

I wouldn't have my heart shatter at the silence that should be full of their cries and laughter. 

The words "I love you mommy" wouldn't be missed and longed for. 

I wouldn't be suffocating in tears every time I realize this is real, they are not coming back, I can't wake up, I don't have a second chance. 

I wouldn't have to feel the heartache, have reason for the gallons of tears, I wouldn't have puffy eyes and dark circles, & I wouldn't be a mess.

I would be blissfully ignorant. 

Pregnancy did not happen easy for us.

It took years, it took praying, it took crying and begging.

Then, like a miracle, my cries were heard, prayers answered and the wait was over.

Then overnight gone. 

Is ignorance bliss? 

No.

 As painful as every second and everyday will be, no matter how many tears I cry and no matter how many children I go on to have.  They are my unique gift not many get. 

They are apart of my story and, they are, my favorite chapter and also my most tragic.  

I will talk about them, celebrate them, cry about them.

I can't see them but if I quiet my aching heart I may feel them.

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief.
But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared 
with the pain of never risking love.” 
- Hilary Stanton Zunin 

For better, for worse and the unimaginable.

Our lives, marriage, and relationship is changed forever after the loss of our children.

My love for Jordan has grown in a way I can't even comprehend. 

Our journey has shown me traits in him that were there all along I was just too selfish to see. During our multiple stays in the hospital I was able to see just how much love and care he has for me. 

When I was in too much pain to ask for help or trying to be brave and in denial of what was happening he called for help, and made them contact our doctors. 

When I was suffering, the pain too much to bare, he was my voice screaming for pain medication to help me.

When I was lying there hooked up to blood, during my transfusions, vitals all over the place-  as soon as the bag would be empty, before the machine would beep to alert the nurse, he was already out there making sure they had more ready. 

{I got to witness how much he loves me, how well he can take of me, 

how hard he would fight for me.}

My life, my love will never be the same.

Our love is rare, it is special, and is unique. Some think they may have this kind of magic... but when you can feel it in times like this it's an extraordinary feeling. The feeling never really goes away once you experience it. I can't imagine living life without him. 

There is no one else I would want to go through this with. 

{He is so gentle and sensitive to my moods and feelings. 

Always concerned about me and my happiness.}

I only hope he knows I would have done the same for him.

Instead of being torn apart we have been brought together. 

Jax, Stella, and Beck changed us and TIED
 us together in ways like never before...

We are happy, optimistic and more in love than I could have ever thought possible.

Our babies came into our lives and left it far more satisfied. 

They are our light.

-Samone-

What is Strength?

How are you so strong?

I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. 

I feel sad, weak, confused, bitter, angry.

I struggle getting out of bed, I struggle leaving the house, I struggle being around people

It's not a matter of being strong or looking strong- it's a matter of survival. 

You don't move on, you don't let go, you don't recover from this. You survive it, or maybe you learn to cope. I am no expert, but it seems you learn to survive this life in your own way because everything has changed.

I've lost 3 times over. 3 babies at once. 

Each of them would have had their 

own accomplishment and goals, 

I've lost all of it. 3 of everything.

You want so badly to live life the same day by day because you can't imagine moving on- you can imagine life not working out the way you thought it was...

You feel stuck in this rhythm of what you think is still going to happen, eventually you realize that has all changed and you now how to figure out where to go from there. 

So when you tell me I am brave or strong- you are so kind. And it does give me the nudge I might have needed in that moment, and the thought that I maybe I'm doing this right... That maybe I am strong and brave!

Truth is...
I DONT HAVE A CHOICE.

When I smile, laugh,  relax, do something for myself- it's all I can do to survive, that's what i am doing, surviving. In between my struggles day to day- I try to find the smiles, laughter and light.




-Samone-

One month...

Month 1 of the rest of my life without them.

I heard that you never 
:get over the loss: or :move on:
 -you learn how to survive it.
How am I? Surviving!

I am still hoping I am going to wake up...

The past 4 days have been shockingly rough... 

Last Tuesday we were back from vacation and I was in good spirits- 

motivated, smiling, optimistic- it all went down hill from there...

the rest of the week I was tired, sluggish, uninterested in anything. My follow up appt. was approaching and I think I was dreading the possibility of resurfaced feelings- 

that were already still so fresh, 

and to be back there seemed unreal.

                                                

I had my follow up with my doctor on Monday (yesterday). The pain of walking into that office, no longer pregnant, and there for a very different reason triggered tears, disappointment, anger and worry. I was having anxiety the day and night before...I was stuck replaying the slide show of the past 5 months over and over. I wondered what would we discuss, how would we interact, would it be awkward, or comfortable.

It's similar to the night before their memorial. The build up was worst than the actual day. The gash you've tried to seal up gets ripped open-and you have to start over. You prepared for the worse. Your feelings, crying in front of people (which can quickly make them uncomfortable and confused on how to help). I me not knowing how to respond to the typical- I'm sorry-.

During the visit my Doctor, who I feel is more of a friend than my doctor, talked about them, talked about the birth, what I remember and what I don't, he mentioned it being a small miricale I went into shock when I did. An event like that is something you won't want to have to remember. We talked about how I was doing,

 Jordan and I's relationship. 

(Statistics are sadly high for divorce after loss of a child)  

and then we got to talk about our future plans. 

Of course tears flowed a few times and but it turned out to be a relief, and very comforting. There are fears and questions, but there is hope. 

After the appt. I went to lunch with my mom, who attended the appt with me, it made this day a lot better than it could have turned out! It's been good to have the company of others to distract, comfort and share laughter. 

People that understand. That feel what you feel. 
Some days I just can't leave the house, but the times I do I mostly enjoy myself. I get overwhelmed quickly and easily triggered, but you can't allow yourself to get stuck in your comfort zone. If I allow myself too much time alone thinking... I start to spiral into sadness and what-ifs.

 I love my story. As much as I feel defeated some days, devastated... like I can't go on- I am proud of this life. I might not have my perfect ending, but this is only one chapter in my book. Probably my favorite chapter, and I would never rewrite it or delete it.
 I love them and they are mine. 
Always a part of me.

I decorated Jax, Stella and Beck's grave.

I am so grateful to have them close by.

I drove to Dallas to take care of plans for a future dedication to my babies.

It went perfectly and I am SO looking forward to the next step in healing.

Yesterday was surprisingly OK and so was today. 

I am currently content. 

-Samone-

They Live in me

*Mind Blown*

I recently learned that Fetal cells can remain in mothers for years or decades after birth.

In fact, As far as we know these cell will multiply and divide for many decades, 

perhaps even forever!  

This is Called Microchimerism-

This occurs during pregnancy when cells from a fetus pass through the placenta 

and establish cell families within the mother.

Whoa. Pretty powerful.

A baby photo may melt your heart, but far more significant, in some cases these fetal cells have shown to improve health for moms and repair the blood.

 Studies have shown fetal cells can actually flock to the site of stroke damage. 

Incredible.

________________________________________________________________________________

Read for yourself the facts and a beautiful story:

CLICK to Read an article done by USA today.

This is where I originally read about this miracle...

_____________________________________________________________

Today I really needed to find a sign.

I'd say I think I did!

{"You live on in them, and they live on in you"}

My buddies from beginning till the end. 

So every single "type" of mother...

Let us all be comforted by the fact

They are literally a part of you, swimming around inside of you.

-Samone-

you think you know?

This kinda goes along with my "VENT" I posted recently. I'd like to "pretend" like I want to apologize for some of the negativity and my bad attitude, but SORRY NOT SORRY.

It's my right.

{Please understand that I so appreciate your effort to reach out and let me know you sympathize.}

Recently, two or three times, I've been told, "I know how you feel" "I've been here". I'm sure it not the last time I'll hear, but lets clear a few things up-

You know how I feel?

SO, you know what it feels like to be having triplets, one day everything be healthy and normal, and the next your fighting to keep them in your body. 

{You know what it's like to pray everyday to be the exception, not the rule.}

Terrified you may become a statistic, you don't want to be included in that portion of multiples that do not make it to viable birth age.

 You understand the fear of laying in a hospital bed after surgery hoping everything will stay stable for 20 more weeks. Listening to your OB and Specialist fight-it-out over what it best for me and the babies. 

You know the feeling of labor coming, and knowing your babies can not survive outside of you, nothing works to stop the one thing that CANNOT be happening!

You know what it's like to be told you almost did not make it through labor. It was very serious, they chose to save me, because without me the babies could not survive.

And I will never understand the trama my husband had to go through watching me give birth to our 3 babies knowing they would not survive if born... holding them alone. Me unconscious not knowing if I was going to be ok. 

That day he almost lost all 4 of us.

Most of all, can you fathom the emotional devestation of holding your 3 babies, that just 2 days before were healthy and growing, in your arms. Seeing their faces, features, watching your husband cry, feeling helpless, confused and angry. Then picking out a head stone for your children, wrapping them up together and placing them in their tiny baby casket, then burying their little bodies.

and if we needed, the cherry on top, the after effects of childbirth... 

the constant reminders of what you have gone through, and in the end you don't have your babies.

Everyday there is emptiness.

Yes you may be angry at your body just like I am, you may be angry at everyone that is happy and has their child. you may understand your own loss, the dream of what could have been- but you don't understand mine. you did not lose 3 miracles all at once- that were wanted SO badly.  The fullness that we felt immediately. The love we had, excitement ahead.

We will all face our own grief and we deal with it the best we can.

and if you still think you "know how i feel" "I've been here also" - Bless your heart. 

I'm here for you, if you need to talk. 

It's confusing, heartbreaking, and doesn't seem like reality most of the time.
{ I feel like I'm living half way between reality and a bad dream. }

The best thing I have been told, "I know what it's like to lose a child, but I don't know what it's like to lose babies... I can understand a little of what you are going though" 

*it was a breath of fresh air*

-Samone-