"A Father is not defined by the number of children you see,

 but the amount of love that he holds in his heart" 

To My Grieving husband on Father's Day,

      

     It seems the worst things happen to the best people. You are the most incredible, kind, giving, selfless person I’ve ever met, how I got so lucky I’ll never know. Watching you go through this is heartbreaking. 

{You are STRONG. You are a ROCK. You are a MAN. You are MINE.}

Thank you for being strong enough to cry and share your emotions and fears. Thank you for trusting me with your heart, I treasure it. 

  

 Thank you for working without complaining, even when you are having a bad day and need time to yourself. You've somehow manage to provide more than enough support for both of us, and allowed me to grieve on my own time. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. 

Thank you for putting up with my moods, selfishness, emotions... I know that I am not always easy to deal with. I am emotional, especially this past month. I can be selfish, demanding and angry. You let it all the roll off your back and just hug me. 

{You are an example of what a man IS and should be.}

                                                                                                                     Jordan Holding Jax, our first born.

Aside from giving me my greatest gift, Our Triplets, you've given me my second greatest gift- the freedom to do what I love, whatever that might be. You support us so I can figure out what my passion is. You refuse to let me settle. No more working late nights, dealing with stress and fixing other peoples mistakes...

 You've given me the chance to find MY  calling and go for it.   

You believe in me more than I believe in myself.

-Your Wife-

Happy Fathers Day.
You are the most deserving father.

They Live in me

*Mind Blown*

I recently learned that Fetal cells can remain in mothers for years or decades after birth.

In fact, As far as we know these cell will multiply and divide for many decades, 

perhaps even forever!  

This is Called Microchimerism-

This occurs during pregnancy when cells from a fetus pass through the placenta 

and establish cell families within the mother.

Whoa. Pretty powerful.

A baby photo may melt your heart, but far more significant, in some cases these fetal cells have shown to improve health for moms and repair the blood.

 Studies have shown fetal cells can actually flock to the site of stroke damage. 

Incredible.

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Read for yourself the facts and a beautiful story:

CLICK to Read an article done by USA today.

This is where I originally read about this miracle...

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Today I really needed to find a sign.

I'd say I think I did!

{"You live on in them, and they live on in you"}

My buddies from beginning till the end. 

So every single "type" of mother...

Let us all be comforted by the fact

They are literally a part of you, swimming around inside of you.

-Samone-

you think you know?

This kinda goes along with my "VENT" I posted recently. I'd like to "pretend" like I want to apologize for some of the negativity and my bad attitude, but SORRY NOT SORRY.

It's my right.

{Please understand that I so appreciate your effort to reach out and let me know you sympathize.}

Recently, two or three times, I've been told, "I know how you feel" "I've been here". I'm sure it not the last time I'll hear, but lets clear a few things up-

You know how I feel?

SO, you know what it feels like to be having triplets, one day everything be healthy and normal, and the next your fighting to keep them in your body. 

{You know what it's like to pray everyday to be the exception, not the rule.}

Terrified you may become a statistic, you don't want to be included in that portion of multiples that do not make it to viable birth age.

 You understand the fear of laying in a hospital bed after surgery hoping everything will stay stable for 20 more weeks. Listening to your OB and Specialist fight-it-out over what it best for me and the babies. 

You know the feeling of labor coming, and knowing your babies can not survive outside of you, nothing works to stop the one thing that CANNOT be happening!

You know what it's like to be told you almost did not make it through labor. It was very serious, they chose to save me, because without me the babies could not survive.

And I will never understand the trama my husband had to go through watching me give birth to our 3 babies knowing they would not survive if born... holding them alone. Me unconscious not knowing if I was going to be ok. 

That day he almost lost all 4 of us.

Most of all, can you fathom the emotional devestation of holding your 3 babies, that just 2 days before were healthy and growing, in your arms. Seeing their faces, features, watching your husband cry, feeling helpless, confused and angry. Then picking out a head stone for your children, wrapping them up together and placing them in their tiny baby casket, then burying their little bodies.

and if we needed, the cherry on top, the after effects of childbirth... 

the constant reminders of what you have gone through, and in the end you don't have your babies.

Everyday there is emptiness.

Yes you may be angry at your body just like I am, you may be angry at everyone that is happy and has their child. you may understand your own loss, the dream of what could have been- but you don't understand mine. you did not lose 3 miracles all at once- that were wanted SO badly.  The fullness that we felt immediately. The love we had, excitement ahead.

We will all face our own grief and we deal with it the best we can.

and if you still think you "know how i feel" "I've been here also" - Bless your heart. 

I'm here for you, if you need to talk. 

It's confusing, heartbreaking, and doesn't seem like reality most of the time.
{ I feel like I'm living half way between reality and a bad dream. }

The best thing I have been told, "I know what it's like to lose a child, but I don't know what it's like to lose babies... I can understand a little of what you are going though" 

*it was a breath of fresh air*

-Samone-

Why I write...

“Better to write for yourself and have no public,
 than to write for the public and have no self.”

-Cyril Connolly



I don't write to gain an audience, if someone stumbles across my public diary and it encourages them or shares awareness... then I have written well. I am not an english major... or even a great writer, I misuse punctuation and misspell words, but I write for the angels below now living above. They will be known and live in my words.

Jax, Stella and Beck 

Worth the Cost

Your life here on Earth
Was not meant to be,
But I don't regret the cost
of trying to bring you here with me.

Although I only held you briefly
Before they took you away from me.
It was worth every pain, every tear shed,
Because I treasure the love you inspired in me.



-Samone-

Their Memorial- May 9th, 2015

May 9th.

It hit me, that I needed to have a photographer capture this memory. I am a firm believer in,

 "you only regret the photos you don't take"

I wanted to remember what a beautiful day it was, our family and friends being there to support us, and THEM.

Sometimes I feel like a small part of my life is missing, like it never existed. 

That is terrifying. 

It doesn't seem real, like this could have happened. Maybe it is my mind blocking out the horrible thing that has happen to protect me mentally... but I know they were real, they were beautiful and worth everything. I would absolutely do it all over again, and again. Even if I get them for little awhile- I got them! I always want them to exist as much as they can without actually being here. 

{They are always my babies.}

My Favorite moment.

My mom suggested we do a butterfly release. 

On the wings of the tiniest earth angels,
may the spirit of those that we mourn today be remembered
and may this be the start of healing for all.

-Samone-

A beautiful gift of their first bibles. 2 blue, 1 pink of course!

Surrounded by love and support

Thank you Sidney *Green couch photography*