May 2 2016

365 days since I last saw your little faces.

Life is so wonderful and more than I could ever imagined possible a year ago. It looks almost perfect from the outside looking in, but the truth is, it's never going to be fully complete just like I'll never fully heal. All these emotions and memories only become tolerable, never easier. 

I was sent three perfect miracles that have brought a level of healing some people will never have. How such an amazing blessing landed in my lap is only explained by a miracle. 

Sometimes I just like to pretend you three were sent back to me... And you really aren't gone.

Thank you for my perfect miracles. I know you guarded them&

I look for each of you in their faces. 

I will share (for the benefit of others that are or will brave the journey again...)

This pregnancy I put myself on auto pilot just wanted to get past the weeks and to the day I would meet them... Some days, most days, I believed I would lose them also. Constantly waiting for the "other shoe to drop" why wouldn't it... When something so horrific has happened once, you'll never feel exempt from disaster again. You'll never say never... 

You actually believe it's just part of your normal. I was actually convinced if nothing happened to them... It would be me. I was not going to be able to enjoy them... They weren't "real" yet, and maybe they never would be to me.

I was petrified during the entire csection... Waiting for my stats to drop, blood loss, I was the crazy patient that in the days leading up I was asking about iron infusions and blood transfusions to make sure I could have control of something... I would do anything to make sure it all went ok.

Time ticked by so slow it seemed like forever while I was in the middle of it, but now it's over, they are here. Safe. So I am. It happened So much faster than I thought possible. It's bitter sweet. I don't regret being fearful or closing myself up- that's what you do when you've lost a child, children and you've been put back at the start of a scary similar race...

BUT

 If there's one thing I've learned is time stops for no one. It keeps going and that's a good thing because it keeps you going too. For now my mind is still trying to catch up to my body.. 
I'm desperately trying to comprehend the fact they are indeed mine, all mine.
They are here with me...

To my children, What an amazing gift you've given me and what priceless lessons you've all taught me. You've given me something to stand for and live for. I will not stop talking, because my children are worth talking about and what I suffered through, my diagnosis, was and IS preventable. 

I WILL speak out for my children, and for others. 

Our Family Tradition.

May 2015

May 2, 2016

To know me Is to know them. 

Who I am right now, today, is because of them. I have more compassion, empathy and sensitivity than I've ever carried. They are a blessing not a sad story. 

Return to Zero

Return to Zero is a film, based on a true story.
(bereaved parent's print out is available below it follows along with the movie.)

Last scene in film {return to zero}.

            My story and Return to Zero are different, 
but the emptiness of loss and overwhelming grief all parents, 
moms, feel after this tragedy is similar.  

No loss is the same, no journey is the same and no grief is the same.

You will find, if you have traveled the journey you will share the same thoughts, comments, experiences with so many others that have walked this before you, with you, and will walk this after you. 

"You know what's strange, this pain I feel... I love it. I LOVE it. And I embrace it. I'm afraid if I let it go, I'm going to lose the last little piece if him I still have. It's funny, this thing no one tells you about... about the relationship that begins with them after they die. If I can quiet my head down enough I can feel him... I can hear him."

THIS!

I didn't write it, it's taken from the movie, but it's the EXACT emotion I feel often.

However different our losses are I've notice the same feelings over and over.

The same quotes, same emotions... 

Guilt

• For not being able to prevent what was out of our control for the most part.
• For laughing, or finding happiness again.
• For wanting more children.
• For thinking we did something, ate something, drank something, something from our past...

Anger- This one explains itself.

• (lets be honest) We are mad that the drugged up hooker gets a baby...
• the 16 year old who has no clue.
• the one who doesn't want children and it "just happened".
• the one who aborts.
• and so on... we are angry at everyone. Sorry.

Regret

• Not demanding the doctor to check and re check.
• Not following our instincts, and trusting our doctors know it "all". (even with the best drs we will always wonder)
• Doing "too" much, Not going on Bed rest early enough.
• Should we have ran more test.
• Not knowing to ask the questions we didn't even know needed to be asked.

We realize most of this is out of our control, but it doesn't matter. 

We just wish we could go back and do more.

We will never stop asking,

Did we do enough? 

What if?

The same articles are passed around through support groups and support pages. 

When we finally hear the words that reflect our exact feelings we cling to them. 

We shout "I am not CRAZY!" "Someone else feels exactly the way I do."

Validation that our fears, thoughts and feelings are not just our own!

"The sense of understanding and belonging is invaluable 
and incredibly healing." 

You are not alone. 



HERE is a guide for bereaved parents 
(given by the "Return to Zero" site.)

Surviving 2 months.

I've survived 2 months.

2 months of them gone.

For 2 months my babies have been in Heaven.

It's sinking in that less than 3 months I would have been holding my 3 babies,
 small, healthy, tiny premies... but with the best odds.

Every hope. Every dream. Gone.

I only had 19 weeks with them. 

I can't remember how they felt like inside me. 

I wish I had enjoyed every moment of pregnancy,

                                     instead I spent those 19 weeks scared. 

Scared of exactly what happened.

I was robbed of my pregnancy, something we wanted so bad.

My excitement and joy was always blended with terror and anxiety. 

I'm so angry.

2 months later... I can tell you it's not 

any easier. 

There are more good days than bad days, 

but the bad are BAD. 

They sneak up and sometimes I can't catch my breath.

Sometimes the pain can last only a few minutes other times it can last a few hours,

 and then other times you're stuck in the cycle for a couple of days

 eventually you make it down the hill.

     -BUT-

I have Hope. Always.

Sometimes I ask "why" why God did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to meet them as beautiful as they were.

We were Blessed to have met them, 

and to have held them.

-Samone-

From hope to hopeless and back again...

Grief is a series of peaks and valleys.

Many good days and many bad, they come out of no where.

This week have been a valley.

I'm not sure why some hours, days and weeks are easier than others, but it's a constant ride.

Today I would have been 26 weeks, and while I can not live in the past, 
I also can't forget.
There are lots of mini goals we set throughout this pregnancy.
The further along we got the better off we would be.
I wouldn't find out.

My bad week had a few bright moments.

I reached out to an Artist who sculpts for a living.

Her sculptures are beautiful and personal. 

She offers all types, custom, or ready to ship.

She has a special place for grieving families, and offers beautiful keepsakes.
Whatever you want she can work with you to create your vision.
Her store is called "The Midnight Orange", her name is Dana.
I contacted her wanting more information on what would represent my family.
She had so many great ideas and during the conversation she said she would like to send me something... when she sent me the photo I nearly hyperventilated.

She said she had made it a few months ago, but never listed it in her Etsy store.
When we were discussing design (monarch wings, triplets...) she knew she had something special, meant for me. It's a charm that can be worn on a chain, or I may make it into an ornament for our tree... the holidays are going to very different this year. I'm not prepared to even think about that.

I took it as a sign. A gift from above, it touched my heart.

But thats not all...
Have you heard of "Molly Bears"? Molly was born still to mother Bridget, who created this AMAZING organization. It gives moms who have lost a chance to hold their babies again... These bears are perfectly weighed to the specification of your babies birth weight. A way to hold your baby, to feel them in your arms. I can tell you first hand how important this is. The ache you feel starts in your heart and takes over your whole body. 
You feel anger and overwhelming devastation.

They use to be free, but over the years (unfortunatly) the demand has rose as her work travelled around the community. These bears are sewn by volunteers... they are non profit. The cost are high and they do this to help families... Once a month they open the request form, with a $20 donation you are added and your bear starts to be produced. It can take a few months to receive this special gift. The total cost of making one bear, is just under $50. They work hard to customize these bears to help you memorialize your child, or children. 

     Dana is good friends with Bridget I had mention Molly Bears to Dana how I thought that was an extraordinary idea and hoped to get my own when I could then I received a message back from, Dana, the artist at "The midnight orange", she had contacted Bridget and wanted sponsored 3 bears for me. I nearly fainted... Seriously?

I will feel them in my arms again. I can cuddle them and hold them.

These incredible humans. They do not know me, only my story and have offered their time, and their work to help me heal. Im speechless and in awe of their hearts.

 God is good.

Someone is looking out for me.

-Samone-

Everyone who has been there, friends, family, strangers, your so precious.

You can not get through this without help. We are healing because of you.

Back from vacation, & Today is a good day

This is our first day back from a weekend get-away with our {great} friends to 

Perdido Key , FL.

It's was beautiful, relaxing, and refreshing

It’s also the first day I haven’t laid in bed until 1pm -

 { except vacation… no one would allow that! }

Only thinking about what I could be doing or what needs to be done. 

Today the pain isn’t so paralyzing.

 The days seem to be getting slightly easier, not better, but brighter.

I still cry at least once a day, I'm not moving on... just becoming more optimistic.

 I am starting to enjoy this new chapter of being a “Stay at Home Wife”, 

or what my husband calls… "Trophy-wifein’.

I think about them, Jax Stella and Beck, everyday and that has not changed and I never want it to. Their lives are apart of our love story. They will be apart of their future brothers or sisters story… they will never be forgotten and will always be apart of this family, 

They just get to live far away in the clouds. 

I am starting to enjoy cooking again. I look forward to making dinner, and trying new ideas. I am doing laundry and dishes 

{which is a miracle and I know Jordan is THRILLED}

I am hoping this is an upward trend, and my motivation doesn't run dry.

Maybe tomorrow I will start going to Yoga again.

Today is a good day.

-Samone-

Their Memorial- May 9th, 2015

May 9th.

It hit me, that I needed to have a photographer capture this memory. I am a firm believer in,

 "you only regret the photos you don't take"

I wanted to remember what a beautiful day it was, our family and friends being there to support us, and THEM.

Sometimes I feel like a small part of my life is missing, like it never existed. 

That is terrifying. 

It doesn't seem real, like this could have happened. Maybe it is my mind blocking out the horrible thing that has happen to protect me mentally... but I know they were real, they were beautiful and worth everything. I would absolutely do it all over again, and again. Even if I get them for little awhile- I got them! I always want them to exist as much as they can without actually being here. 

{They are always my babies.}

My Favorite moment.

My mom suggested we do a butterfly release. 

On the wings of the tiniest earth angels,
may the spirit of those that we mourn today be remembered
and may this be the start of healing for all.

-Samone-

A beautiful gift of their first bibles. 2 blue, 1 pink of course!

Surrounded by love and support

Thank you Sidney *Green couch photography*