We were lucky enough be given two beautiful showers by amazing friends and family who love us and the babies SO much. We constantly feel supported and encouraged by those around us and that is the BEST gift.


My first Shower was given at 25 weeks and I was feeling pretty good, measuring in at around 32(ish) weeks... Most recently at 29 weeks I attended my 2nd! Boy, does 4 weeks make a difference when your carrying triplets! We played a game at the first shower where they measured "my circumference"... we repeated this game recently I've grown 3-4 inches around! I'm feeling it, but I am too blessed to be stressed.

These days I'm measuring around 38(ish) weeks!We are doing great, healthy and if we continue this trend we hope to make it 4-6 more weeks!

We want the healthiest premies we can manage so the longer we keep cooking the less time they will be on feed tubes, in isolation, hooked up to monitors etc.

DRINK OFF! Apple Juice out of Bottle, Jordan was a CHAMP.

I was really worried I would be on bed rest, hospital or at home by this time, but I am amazed by the TAC how secure it's made me feel. It's a God send, and without I know we would not be here!

We have an article coming out in Shattered Magazine this summer-

Please stay tuned I can't wait to share it with all of you. It's all about our journey over the past year.

We are of course overwhelmed by the amount of gifts and support!

Thanks a million we can never tell you enough.

A Triple Blessing

It's time we announce the great gift we've been given, the beauty that came from such a dark time, another miracle set of triplets. The first time was shock, the second time... 

We knew there was a Divine plan. 

Boy, Boy, Girl. 

Yes, Just like Jax, Stella and Beck. 

Their due date is one year to the date after we lost Jax, Stella and Beck.

May 2nd, 2015 (Birthday)

May 2nd, 2016 (40 week due date)

No we didn't plan this, he did.

No we didn't expect this, he already knew.

Yes we were shocked. 

We were scared. Still are.

But we know the anxieties are only taken away by one person and he has created a plan so much better than we could have even imagine. 

We miss Jax, Stella and Beck.

We ache with every thought, "they should be here". Always our first, always the first grandchildren for my parents, always the first granddaughter for Jordan's. There should be 3 more children running around. But how can something so miraculous happen, and you not believe they had something to do with this. They are not gone- they are very much alive. 

We believe God has the perfect plan to fill your broken heart with 

just the right amount of healing. 

We don't understand his plan, but are so grateful for his unlimited blessings. 

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."  

A triple Rainbow.

They were not a storm or "a loss", it was their absence that put a dark cloud over our lives. The constant ache of a hole that will never close. 

Jax, Stella and Beck will remain in our family forever. They will be recognized, and treated as if they are here with us, just gone from sight. We will always expect nothing less for their lives. They have been an incredible blessing and continue to teach us and bless us.
 I'll never be able to hold Jax, Stella and Beck again, but I know they are in the safest arms. On earth I will be able to hold three more little loves for as long as I am given with them. 

Most days it doesn't seem real, to good to be true,

 but we hold to faith they WILL be joining us in March!

We are so appreciative of your thoughts, prayers, positivity and support over the past year.

The love and blessings we've received are truly priceless. 

Over the weekend we were showered in love by our church. 

They have become family and a KEY piece to our healing.

It was even more beautiful that we included Jax, Stella and Beck.

We hope that you will pray with us over the next few months that they stay safely inside, continue to grow and thrive and that I have a smooth c-section with a quick recovery.

TAC Surgery day.

There's nothing quite like the "empty sonogram" after a loss.

It's surprisingly painful and emotional. A lot of first...

Good news... everything looks good and procedure is about to start! 

I arrive at the hospital, get checked and they take me to my room to wait. The sterile, gloomy environment is too much and the tears start... another first... I'll admit I use to enjoy hospital stays, it's like a hotel, but better you lay in a bed and people take care of you!

Not after experiencing death. In this way. 

I wipe the tears away and I am brave.

As I am being wheeled into the OR to place my TAC I can't help but think about Jax, Stella and Beck. If only I could have saved them. If there was anyone who would do anything to go back in time, it's me. After losing them I threw myself into the whys- I came up with a million reasons and several were my own fault... I found peace finally. It was my body.

I don't  I Stopped blaming myself. I'm angry yes, could more have been done, maybe...  

Would they have still be born early... Probably.
I realize I can't control everything.

Two of my MOST favorite quotes. 

I'm no longer so focused on the fact my body failed me, and the "I wish I would've knowns" and all those other issues. I've made a decision to do all that I can do for anything that may happen in the future, It's not like I'm just left standing here with nothing; I'm armed with the knowledge and the resources and the fact that I can do this!

My complication potenically has a solution, and for that I am so thankful for. I am so thankful I went searching on the internet. I am so glad for the breakdown I had when I found out a TAC may have saved them... It helped me say YES I am doing this! Even thought it's too late to save them... It's another page turned in my story of healing.

The pain of losing Jax, Stella and back has pushed me to choose the most invasive procedure, but with the highest success rate. 

This procedure is life changing.

I can not trust my body so I have done all that I can do to help it. 

The dreams of having my triplets did not come true, 

but my dream of having a family and siblings for then will come true. 

Sometimes you have to be your own hero. 

You have to know what is good for you and go for it. 

No matter what anyone is telling you or what the medical books say... Go for it. 

I'm sore, uncomfortable and I've added a few more scars to my canvas,
 but this pain is nothing compare the hurt of loss. 

I don't care about anything that I have to endure as long as that means

 that I have a healthy family and that makes me feel like a mom.

I'm finally feeling almost back to normal and I have hope for the future and
 I'm bringing them with me.

Angels among us

This is just a little thank you, because I'll never be able to adequately show the amount of appreciation and gratitude I have for the many people who have reached out. (and continue)
Without you I'm not sure if I would be here.

"Some of my best friends I have never met in person. I know them only through Facebook, But that's ok- Friendship is not about touching the hand of another but rather it is touching their heart and should."

I am lucky enough to be surround by people of all ages, all walks of life that have sat with me, cried with me and talked with.  Have invited me to lunch, who've cooked & brought it to us.

Thank you. To the angels that sent cards and flowers, and to those who just kept us in their prayers.

Thank you. To those who are facing their own loss and found the strength to reach out... Thank you.

I joke I am getting so spoiled by this love... I may not recover.

The gifts given in their memory are my most favorite possessions
Every single one of them I will keep forever. 

Recently, The most incredible woman sent me a personalized gift (there were actually several bundled together).

The amount of time spent making this is absolutely unbelievable. I'm just, I'm speechless, I'm at a loss of words for what she has done for me, for what everyone has done. The most beautiful part- this lovely lady is not a friend that I talk to every day, we don't text, we don't call each other or hang out on the weekends, our paths crossed in high school and we have managed to stay in touch; Mostly by Facebook. But she is a woman who knows... she is one of the most creative and cutest women I have the pleasure of knowing. That is what makes this even more special to me.

She also has 2 young boys of her own that she took time away from to focus on me and mine, and created something just so personalized, and thought out. I was speechless. For weeks she would send me pictures teasing me daily of this beautiful project she was working on.

When I finally received it and held it in my hands I just didn't know what to do first. Tears flowed as I opened the box to everything Jax, Stella, and Beck- More happy tears than sad ones this time! I was overwhelmed. The pictures she has been sending over the past few weeks were a shadow compared to the final product. She did not let me down, she gave me hope, happiness, validation all at once.

I could spent hours reading and focusing the beautiful embellishments and verses. I love that she used some of my favorite quotes and added ones she knew would be appreciated.
In it I received a journaling bible that she has so beautifully started, a note pad for recording and remembering passages, inspiring notes, a handmade mug... it's a box full of art.

I don't need to speak her name because like she said,

"Let them bless you without giving recognition, because Jesus will give them recognition in Heaven and fill their crown with jewels!"

I show you these photos so you can share in the hope and healing I've gained from this. 

All of this giving has shown me that even the smallest gesture can have a HUGE impact... 

at a time when it's needed most.

I CAN NOT SAY IT ENOUGH

"Sometimes there are stormy moments in your life when your friends do more than just walk with you; they become angels that carry you and protect you with their wings."

Medically Necessary, not experimental!

Some people probably think I'm crazy, or worse, 

for being this open.

but I KNOW I am being helpful.
I will not apologize or be ashamed.

I would not be where I am right now without the help, research and knowledge of other woman who have been exactly where I am now. Their testimonies, their loses and their happiness after the darkest time in their life; reading their experiences gave me hope. When you've lost everything,

Hope is the ONLY thing you have to hold on to.

I announce the news of my surgery being covered by my insurance!
All my hospital visits, procedures, and their birth have led me to meet my deductibles and out-of-pockets for the year. (strange to be happy about that...)

They have approved this procedure as medically necessary, not experimental! 

Thank you LORD. 
We would have paid it without hesitation, regardless, but what a blessing to have one less burden on our plate.

Let me say that God broke me down and is slowly building me back up. That is what it felt like when I found out what a Trans-abdominal Cerclage was. The tears, the anger, devastation overwhelmed me. Why couldn't I know then what I know now... 

WHY CAN'T I HAVE A SECOND CHANCE.

I'm taking this as my second chance. 

It's all very bitter-sweet, I say this as tears well up in my eyes.

It's tears of happiness and sadness.

Thank you for the prayers and encouragements. 

If I haven't thanked you personally 

-PLEASE-

know that your actions are seen and heard and felt.

You are all an important part of my story.

MY SURGERY IS SET FOR WED, AUG 26TH.

Be your own hero...

Should be my new motto.

If words like cervix, transvaginal, uterus bother you- turn back now!

Who knew this journey would have so many medical terms and obstacles along the way...

This post is to educate and explain your options if you are a woman who may be in the same situation. 

Incompetent Cerivx, IC, weak cervix  etc... this is something that does not get enough exposure but nearly 1 in 100 pregnancies are lost each year due to some sort of IC. It's not commonly tested for, and I only know if this because I had a dear friend who lost a baby girl 3 years ago and if it happened to her, why couldn’t it happen to me? This was always in the forefront of my mind and that is what caused me to really monitor my body and say something when I did.

"Incompetent cervix is not routinely checked for during pregnancy and therefore is not usually diagnosed until after a second or third trimester miscarriage has occurred. Women can be evaluated before pregnancy, or in early pregnancy by ultrasound, if they have any of the factors that are potential causes of incompetent cervix. Diagnosis can be made by your physician though a pelvic exam or by an ultrasound. The ultrasound would be used to measure the cervical opening or the length of the cervix."

Because of there is lack of proactivity, woman have to suffer loss after loss before a solution is put in place.

THIS IS A PROBLEM.

Some Doctors encourage you to "just wait and see"

How many women would be ok with, "Lets wait and see if your body will hold your baby, or if it will go into labor too early to save your child"

If you're reading this chances are you have heard our story. 

According to the many conversations I've had with Drs I had preterm labor secondary to Incompetent cervix with Jax, Stella and Beck that ultimately sent me into preterm labor. My body was unable to hold the growing bodies of my babies, I started to dilate and thankfully I followed my instincts had my Dr check everything at 16 weeks. 

I saw the worry on his face and he sent me straight to the hospital where he preform an emergency cerclage(TVC) with only 1.5mm of cervix remaining to work with. (That's not a lot. At.all.)
By the time we realized all that was happening it was really too late... but we did all that we could do at that time. 

I can't begin to tell you how long those 2 hours felt, the fear, panic. 

I was sewn closed. 

He said I was my own hero that day. 

I stayed in the hospital a few days while they pumped me full of antibiotics and 

monitored how it was holding.

2 weeks later I funneled down to the stitch Jax's head was down, 

 "knocking at heavens doors". 

(I'm allowed some dark humor) 

This is worst case scenario at only 19 weeks. 

This is why multiples are so rare and so high risk.
Through everything I've researched and women I've talked to ...You can almost guarantee your going to have cervical complications carrying multiples. Preterm delivery is extremely common, your body thinks your further along than you are... but I had a few things working against me. 

All of this worth every second I had with them. They lit a fire in me and I'm determined to do everything I can to change the outcome for their siblings.

     I'd like to ask for prayers.

Prayers for a clear mind while we make a decision that can alter our family's future forever.

 we face a difficult, but life changing decision. 

We can use the TVC (transvaginal cerclage) -again- (technically)I don't think it failed me, but  I truly dd not have it long enough to find out and with a TVC you are on bed rest. However with a TAC (transadominal cerclage) they are placed much higher and it's *almost* impossible to funnel past the band or rupture membranes. This virtually guarantees I will make it full term, although anything can happen. 

I feel like I have no control over anything, but this is something I can do.

It's like a broken record in my head 'Could I have done more'...but now armed with knowledge, I can do more. They did not die in vain and I will do everything I can for them even though they are gone.

I need guidance on which to go with,

I've survived I'm surviving the loss of my first 3 babies- I can not do it again whether 1 2 or 3 again. 

Here is why the decision is more complicated than it seems- the TAC (transadominal) is a surgery. They cut you open like a csection, go around abdominal muscles and place the band at the highest point of your cervix. Once it is placed it's permanent. &You must have a c-section delivery. 

All terrifying for many reason.

But the possibility of losing another child is unbearable.

Did I mention there's only about 10 surgeons in the US that preform this procedure... leading surgeons are- #1 Dr.Haney in Chicago, #2 Dr. Davis in Tennessee. Neither are close to me. I could follow the trend- travel to Chicago and have the best surgeon place, but I located 2 highly recommended Drs in DFW. I meet with one tomorrow and the other Monday Aug. 17th.
I spoke directly with Dr. Haney and he is confident the TAC is the way to go, yes there are risk, there are always risk, but I am weighing my options.

 This decision is life changing and ultimately child saving. 

TVC is less invasion and successful around 80% of the time. They are removable and you can deliver naturally. This is what I had placed, and it held, but I funneled which is a concern- as the baby grows it presses on that stitch and it can possibly rip causing damage, or you may funnel past the stitch a that will cause premature rupture of membranes and preterm birth.

I hope if you are reading this you realize you have options. 

Trust your doctors, but ultimately you have to be willing to save yourself. 

Fight for what you want and search until you've found someone that will support you.

I have no idea what I plan to do at this point. I'm praying for clarity and comfort. I've had a lot of anxiety over this decision ever since I found out I have choices. When you read the facts- it's a pretty clear choice, TAC.

When Jax Stella and Beck were born so much blood was lost no one thought I would survive... facing a c-section scares me, and possible complications from the TAC and recovery, and so on. 

Our journey isn't easy, but it will be worth it.
Jax Stella and Beck's lives were not in vain they will save all their future siblings.
I only wish I could ave saved them. I promise I will not let them down. 

I plan on sharing this journey as well...
My procedure my recovery... and I hope beautiful things come from this.

All because of Jax Stella and Beck. They lit a fire in me no one can put out. 

3 Months

"Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud. If you get to read that chapter in someone else's story, know that access to it is an honor. 

Sometimes the quiet parts carry the most treasure"

I never thought I would be so transparent. Believe it or not I'm actually quite a private person with anything personal, yes I'll always speak my opinions and beliefs but with personal matters I either hold it to myself or disclose to close friends and family. 

I'm happy Proud to share this Journey, it's really just about them. Not about me. I'm along for this ride. It's about me speaking their names, celebrating them, creating things for them, loving them.
I will never stop speaking their names. 

3 months ago,

I swaddled them up and said goodbye to their cold bodies, placed them in their baby casket. We snapped a few more photos, the only photos we would have of them. Forever frozen in time never to grow, never to walk. Beautiful little bodies photographed. Our most treasured possessions. 

We closed the lid and took them home. They didn't ride in a car seat, they rode in their baby casket in the back of our suburban we bought for them. This huge SUV is empty without them, 3 empty seats where their car seats should be. 

We brought them inside and sat the casket on our bed. I should have laid with them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them. 

I feel so close to them today. 

I want to reach out and pick them up again and I remember they are in the ground, across the yard, buried under a tree. 

It sickens me.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.

This month has been especially hard on me. As their due date approaches I find myself in a ball of emotions.

Confused...

Everything leads up to this one day.

For most people it will be here and gone, just another day. For me it will be finite.


Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.

Once again I ask myself is it easier?

          No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared. 

This is the only kind of mother I know how to be. 

I'm a puzzle with 3 missing pieces.

 The text, the calls, the support, the encouragement, the gifts, the care and just speaking their names... Thank you. 

This is not something to battle in silence and I am so blessed I don't have to! 

Thank you for riding this journey with me and allowing Jax, Stella, and Beck to enter your heart.

I am the face of loss.

I was featured on the "Faces of Loss" blog page. 

They are sharing stories to show how common miscarriage, infant and still birth is. 

Showing you are not alone! 

You do not have to be silent.

 It's painful to talk about but with the right people it can be healing, 

and create beautiful friendships. 

Support them by donation that will help produce a new documentary on child loss awareness, and you can also submit your own story.

We all have Secrets

I still reach down and touch my stomach...

 Even thought it's empty I will never forget it was their home.

I still pin to their board on Pinterest.

I won't delete it, the type of "pins" have just changed... 

I look at their photos a few times a week, the only photos 

I'll ever have of them. I refresh my memory of their faces.

The videos too(I'm so grateful for recording the last sonogram I would have.)
Stella was being a Diva. I loved it.

I visit them once a day. I talk to them.

I say their names out loud to myself.

Over and over. 

Different orders Beck Jax Stella. Stella Beck Jax. Jax Stella Beck. 

I want to talk about them, all the time. So you can ask...

I search for everything in 3's.

When I see butterflies or cardinals I think of them. 

I am overwhelmed with envy with I hear a couple has healthy triplets, or higher multiples. 

I feel sick to my stomach when I see someone decorating a nursery in the same colors and patterns...

Yes, I sleep with their bears.

           I wrote a book about them for their future siblings.

I want to say THANK YOU to the moms that wanted to shared their "secrets".
 I hope this can be a looking glasses into our world. Our struggles and fears. 
I hope that this will help you be patient with us. 
Know that this is a life long journey and does not simply disappear after a few years... 
or even after another child.
Some of us may never heal, but we hope to find peace.

" "I dress my bear in her clothes"
"I swear I feel "phantom kicks" Just like when I was pregnant with her"
"I don't want to lose my tummy because I associate it with her [Ella Kate]"

"I have even gone as far as taking their [Cadyn Joseph, Adalyn Grace, Mikayla Michelle] shadow boxes off the wall and bringing them to the basement with me during tornado warnings"

"Four years out and my heart still secretly aches when I have tater tots or chocolate peanut butter milkshakes because those were the foods I craved when I was carrying my boys, Thomas & Nicholas. "

"Its been close to 12 years since my loss and I still think of them [Sydney & Sienna] every time I see a butterfly "

     "That I wish it was me who went and not them [Emma Lee, Chase David]."

"I secretly panic when I hear "boy girl twins""

"I feel sad when someone names their child their names, Jude or Brinly"

What no one tells you...

 Is the bond you have even after they are gone.

 They are not here, and will never return, 

but you hope to feel them around you. 

Return to Zero

Return to Zero is a film, based on a true story.
(bereaved parent's print out is available below it follows along with the movie.)

Last scene in film {return to zero}.

            My story and Return to Zero are different, 
but the emptiness of loss and overwhelming grief all parents, 
moms, feel after this tragedy is similar.  

No loss is the same, no journey is the same and no grief is the same.

You will find, if you have traveled the journey you will share the same thoughts, comments, experiences with so many others that have walked this before you, with you, and will walk this after you. 

"You know what's strange, this pain I feel... I love it. I LOVE it. And I embrace it. I'm afraid if I let it go, I'm going to lose the last little piece if him I still have. It's funny, this thing no one tells you about... about the relationship that begins with them after they die. If I can quiet my head down enough I can feel him... I can hear him."

THIS!

I didn't write it, it's taken from the movie, but it's the EXACT emotion I feel often.

However different our losses are I've notice the same feelings over and over.

The same quotes, same emotions... 

Guilt

• For not being able to prevent what was out of our control for the most part.
• For laughing, or finding happiness again.
• For wanting more children.
• For thinking we did something, ate something, drank something, something from our past...

Anger- This one explains itself.

• (lets be honest) We are mad that the drugged up hooker gets a baby...
• the 16 year old who has no clue.
• the one who doesn't want children and it "just happened".
• the one who aborts.
• and so on... we are angry at everyone. Sorry.

Regret

• Not demanding the doctor to check and re check.
• Not following our instincts, and trusting our doctors know it "all". (even with the best drs we will always wonder)
• Doing "too" much, Not going on Bed rest early enough.
• Should we have ran more test.
• Not knowing to ask the questions we didn't even know needed to be asked.

We realize most of this is out of our control, but it doesn't matter. 

We just wish we could go back and do more.

We will never stop asking,

Did we do enough? 

What if?

The same articles are passed around through support groups and support pages. 

When we finally hear the words that reflect our exact feelings we cling to them. 

We shout "I am not CRAZY!" "Someone else feels exactly the way I do."

Validation that our fears, thoughts and feelings are not just our own!

"The sense of understanding and belonging is invaluable 
and incredibly healing." 

You are not alone. 



HERE is a guide for bereaved parents 
(given by the "Return to Zero" site.)