May 2 2016

365 days since I last saw your little faces.

Life is so wonderful and more than I could ever imagined possible a year ago. It looks almost perfect from the outside looking in, but the truth is, it's never going to be fully complete just like I'll never fully heal. All these emotions and memories only become tolerable, never easier. 

I was sent three perfect miracles that have brought a level of healing some people will never have. How such an amazing blessing landed in my lap is only explained by a miracle. 

Sometimes I just like to pretend you three were sent back to me... And you really aren't gone.

Thank you for my perfect miracles. I know you guarded them&

I look for each of you in their faces. 

I will share (for the benefit of others that are or will brave the journey again...)

This pregnancy I put myself on auto pilot just wanted to get past the weeks and to the day I would meet them... Some days, most days, I believed I would lose them also. Constantly waiting for the "other shoe to drop" why wouldn't it... When something so horrific has happened once, you'll never feel exempt from disaster again. You'll never say never... 

You actually believe it's just part of your normal. I was actually convinced if nothing happened to them... It would be me. I was not going to be able to enjoy them... They weren't "real" yet, and maybe they never would be to me.

I was petrified during the entire csection... Waiting for my stats to drop, blood loss, I was the crazy patient that in the days leading up I was asking about iron infusions and blood transfusions to make sure I could have control of something... I would do anything to make sure it all went ok.

Time ticked by so slow it seemed like forever while I was in the middle of it, but now it's over, they are here. Safe. So I am. It happened So much faster than I thought possible. It's bitter sweet. I don't regret being fearful or closing myself up- that's what you do when you've lost a child, children and you've been put back at the start of a scary similar race...

BUT

 If there's one thing I've learned is time stops for no one. It keeps going and that's a good thing because it keeps you going too. For now my mind is still trying to catch up to my body.. 
I'm desperately trying to comprehend the fact they are indeed mine, all mine.
They are here with me...

To my children, What an amazing gift you've given me and what priceless lessons you've all taught me. You've given me something to stand for and live for. I will not stop talking, because my children are worth talking about and what I suffered through, my diagnosis, was and IS preventable. 

I WILL speak out for my children, and for others. 

Our Family Tradition.

May 2015

May 2, 2016

To know me Is to know them. 

Who I am right now, today, is because of them. I have more compassion, empathy and sensitivity than I've ever carried. They are a blessing not a sad story. 

Angels among us

This is just a little thank you, because I'll never be able to adequately show the amount of appreciation and gratitude I have for the many people who have reached out. (and continue)
Without you I'm not sure if I would be here.

"Some of my best friends I have never met in person. I know them only through Facebook, But that's ok- Friendship is not about touching the hand of another but rather it is touching their heart and should."

I am lucky enough to be surround by people of all ages, all walks of life that have sat with me, cried with me and talked with.  Have invited me to lunch, who've cooked & brought it to us.

Thank you. To the angels that sent cards and flowers, and to those who just kept us in their prayers.

Thank you. To those who are facing their own loss and found the strength to reach out... Thank you.

I joke I am getting so spoiled by this love... I may not recover.

The gifts given in their memory are my most favorite possessions
Every single one of them I will keep forever. 

Recently, The most incredible woman sent me a personalized gift (there were actually several bundled together).

The amount of time spent making this is absolutely unbelievable. I'm just, I'm speechless, I'm at a loss of words for what she has done for me, for what everyone has done. The most beautiful part- this lovely lady is not a friend that I talk to every day, we don't text, we don't call each other or hang out on the weekends, our paths crossed in high school and we have managed to stay in touch; Mostly by Facebook. But she is a woman who knows... she is one of the most creative and cutest women I have the pleasure of knowing. That is what makes this even more special to me.

She also has 2 young boys of her own that she took time away from to focus on me and mine, and created something just so personalized, and thought out. I was speechless. For weeks she would send me pictures teasing me daily of this beautiful project she was working on.

When I finally received it and held it in my hands I just didn't know what to do first. Tears flowed as I opened the box to everything Jax, Stella, and Beck- More happy tears than sad ones this time! I was overwhelmed. The pictures she has been sending over the past few weeks were a shadow compared to the final product. She did not let me down, she gave me hope, happiness, validation all at once.

I could spent hours reading and focusing the beautiful embellishments and verses. I love that she used some of my favorite quotes and added ones she knew would be appreciated.
In it I received a journaling bible that she has so beautifully started, a note pad for recording and remembering passages, inspiring notes, a handmade mug... it's a box full of art.

I don't need to speak her name because like she said,

"Let them bless you without giving recognition, because Jesus will give them recognition in Heaven and fill their crown with jewels!"

I show you these photos so you can share in the hope and healing I've gained from this. 

All of this giving has shown me that even the smallest gesture can have a HUGE impact... 

at a time when it's needed most.

I CAN NOT SAY IT ENOUGH

"Sometimes there are stormy moments in your life when your friends do more than just walk with you; they become angels that carry you and protect you with their wings."

3 Months

"Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud. If you get to read that chapter in someone else's story, know that access to it is an honor. 

Sometimes the quiet parts carry the most treasure"

I never thought I would be so transparent. Believe it or not I'm actually quite a private person with anything personal, yes I'll always speak my opinions and beliefs but with personal matters I either hold it to myself or disclose to close friends and family. 

I'm happy Proud to share this Journey, it's really just about them. Not about me. I'm along for this ride. It's about me speaking their names, celebrating them, creating things for them, loving them.
I will never stop speaking their names. 

3 months ago,

I swaddled them up and said goodbye to their cold bodies, placed them in their baby casket. We snapped a few more photos, the only photos we would have of them. Forever frozen in time never to grow, never to walk. Beautiful little bodies photographed. Our most treasured possessions. 

We closed the lid and took them home. They didn't ride in a car seat, they rode in their baby casket in the back of our suburban we bought for them. This huge SUV is empty without them, 3 empty seats where their car seats should be. 

We brought them inside and sat the casket on our bed. I should have laid with them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them. 

I feel so close to them today. 

I want to reach out and pick them up again and I remember they are in the ground, across the yard, buried under a tree. 

It sickens me.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.

This month has been especially hard on me. As their due date approaches I find myself in a ball of emotions.

Confused...

Everything leads up to this one day.

For most people it will be here and gone, just another day. For me it will be finite.


Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.

Once again I ask myself is it easier?

          No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared. 

This is the only kind of mother I know how to be. 

I'm a puzzle with 3 missing pieces.

 The text, the calls, the support, the encouragement, the gifts, the care and just speaking their names... Thank you. 

This is not something to battle in silence and I am so blessed I don't have to! 

Thank you for riding this journey with me and allowing Jax, Stella, and Beck to enter your heart.

Life after Loss...

x3

With each day comes a new challenges. 

A new dilemma I have to figure out how to navigate. 

Like the time between then and now. The time makes them feel further away. & I find way to reel them back in. 

I have to learn ways I can remember them and have them as a part of my life without being on the verge of tears everyday. 

I'm learning to be their mom, relating to moms, even though I only knew them 19 weeks.

This is challenging. 

Having hope for the future and happiness for the present,

Is by far the most delicate and difficult balance. 

The most challenge obstacle is dealing with people who don't understand, or don't care. I like to think everyone cares... How can they not. Truth is to the outside world 3 babies died at 19 weeks, and yes it is sad. But they did not know them, they had no bond, But to me my future died with them. 

The littlest loves of my life are buried under a tree.



I am 26, I've lost my first and only children, I have to live without them for the rest of my life, a constant missing piece. 

Learning how to navigate the never ending announcements of pregnancy and new births.
I take a kick to the gut every.single.time.
It brings me to my knees and have to rebuild myself.

To me my world has stopped. It has died. My passion, my drive, my dreams have died with them. I struggle to find a purpose.  My life has stopped... while everyone else around me keeps moving forward.

 One day I'm sure I'll have it all back but for today I am empty, I am sad, anxious, I'm a shell. 
Old me is gone, new me is trying to figure out who I am.

 IF you haven't walked this you will NEVER come close to the heaviness we carry. 

I am the face of loss.

I was featured on the "Faces of Loss" blog page. 

They are sharing stories to show how common miscarriage, infant and still birth is. 

Showing you are not alone! 

You do not have to be silent.

 It's painful to talk about but with the right people it can be healing, 

and create beautiful friendships. 

Support them by donation that will help produce a new documentary on child loss awareness, and you can also submit your own story.

We all have Secrets

I still reach down and touch my stomach...

 Even thought it's empty I will never forget it was their home.

I still pin to their board on Pinterest.

I won't delete it, the type of "pins" have just changed... 

I look at their photos a few times a week, the only photos 

I'll ever have of them. I refresh my memory of their faces.

The videos too(I'm so grateful for recording the last sonogram I would have.)
Stella was being a Diva. I loved it.

I visit them once a day. I talk to them.

I say their names out loud to myself.

Over and over. 

Different orders Beck Jax Stella. Stella Beck Jax. Jax Stella Beck. 

I want to talk about them, all the time. So you can ask...

I search for everything in 3's.

When I see butterflies or cardinals I think of them. 

I am overwhelmed with envy with I hear a couple has healthy triplets, or higher multiples. 

I feel sick to my stomach when I see someone decorating a nursery in the same colors and patterns...

Yes, I sleep with their bears.

           I wrote a book about them for their future siblings.

I want to say THANK YOU to the moms that wanted to shared their "secrets".
 I hope this can be a looking glasses into our world. Our struggles and fears. 
I hope that this will help you be patient with us. 
Know that this is a life long journey and does not simply disappear after a few years... 
or even after another child.
Some of us may never heal, but we hope to find peace.

" "I dress my bear in her clothes"
"I swear I feel "phantom kicks" Just like when I was pregnant with her"
"I don't want to lose my tummy because I associate it with her [Ella Kate]"

"I have even gone as far as taking their [Cadyn Joseph, Adalyn Grace, Mikayla Michelle] shadow boxes off the wall and bringing them to the basement with me during tornado warnings"

"Four years out and my heart still secretly aches when I have tater tots or chocolate peanut butter milkshakes because those were the foods I craved when I was carrying my boys, Thomas & Nicholas. "

"Its been close to 12 years since my loss and I still think of them [Sydney & Sienna] every time I see a butterfly "

     "That I wish it was me who went and not them [Emma Lee, Chase David]."

"I secretly panic when I hear "boy girl twins""

"I feel sad when someone names their child their names, Jude or Brinly"

What no one tells you...

 Is the bond you have even after they are gone.

 They are not here, and will never return, 

but you hope to feel them around you. 

Surviving 2 months.

I've survived 2 months.

2 months of them gone.

For 2 months my babies have been in Heaven.

It's sinking in that less than 3 months I would have been holding my 3 babies,
 small, healthy, tiny premies... but with the best odds.

Every hope. Every dream. Gone.

I only had 19 weeks with them. 

I can't remember how they felt like inside me. 

I wish I had enjoyed every moment of pregnancy,

                                     instead I spent those 19 weeks scared. 

Scared of exactly what happened.

I was robbed of my pregnancy, something we wanted so bad.

My excitement and joy was always blended with terror and anxiety. 

I'm so angry.

2 months later... I can tell you it's not 

any easier. 

There are more good days than bad days, 

but the bad are BAD. 

They sneak up and sometimes I can't catch my breath.

Sometimes the pain can last only a few minutes other times it can last a few hours,

 and then other times you're stuck in the cycle for a couple of days

 eventually you make it down the hill.

     -BUT-

I have Hope. Always.

Sometimes I ask "why" why God did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to meet them as beautiful as they were.

We were Blessed to have met them, 

and to have held them.

-Samone-

A Letter to my husband

"A Father is not defined by the number of children you see,

 but the amount of love that he holds in his heart" 

To My Grieving husband on Father's Day,

      

     It seems the worst things happen to the best people. You are the most incredible, kind, giving, selfless person I’ve ever met, how I got so lucky I’ll never know. Watching you go through this is heartbreaking. 

{You are STRONG. You are a ROCK. You are a MAN. You are MINE.}

Thank you for being strong enough to cry and share your emotions and fears. Thank you for trusting me with your heart, I treasure it. 

  

 Thank you for working without complaining, even when you are having a bad day and need time to yourself. You've somehow manage to provide more than enough support for both of us, and allowed me to grieve on my own time. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. 

Thank you for putting up with my moods, selfishness, emotions... I know that I am not always easy to deal with. I am emotional, especially this past month. I can be selfish, demanding and angry. You let it all the roll off your back and just hug me. 

{You are an example of what a man IS and should be.}

                                                                                                                     Jordan Holding Jax, our first born.

Aside from giving me my greatest gift, Our Triplets, you've given me my second greatest gift- the freedom to do what I love, whatever that might be. You support us so I can figure out what my passion is. You refuse to let me settle. No more working late nights, dealing with stress and fixing other peoples mistakes...

 You've given me the chance to find MY  calling and go for it.   

You believe in me more than I believe in myself.

-Your Wife-

Happy Fathers Day.
You are the most deserving father.

For better, for worse and the unimaginable.

Our lives, marriage, and relationship is changed forever after the loss of our children.

My love for Jordan has grown in a way I can't even comprehend. 

Our journey has shown me traits in him that were there all along I was just too selfish to see. During our multiple stays in the hospital I was able to see just how much love and care he has for me. 

When I was in too much pain to ask for help or trying to be brave and in denial of what was happening he called for help, and made them contact our doctors. 

When I was suffering, the pain too much to bare, he was my voice screaming for pain medication to help me.

When I was lying there hooked up to blood, during my transfusions, vitals all over the place-  as soon as the bag would be empty, before the machine would beep to alert the nurse, he was already out there making sure they had more ready. 

{I got to witness how much he loves me, how well he can take of me, 

how hard he would fight for me.}

My life, my love will never be the same.

Our love is rare, it is special, and is unique. Some think they may have this kind of magic... but when you can feel it in times like this it's an extraordinary feeling. The feeling never really goes away once you experience it. I can't imagine living life without him. 

There is no one else I would want to go through this with. 

{He is so gentle and sensitive to my moods and feelings. 

Always concerned about me and my happiness.}

I only hope he knows I would have done the same for him.

Instead of being torn apart we have been brought together. 

Jax, Stella, and Beck changed us and TIED
 us together in ways like never before...

We are happy, optimistic and more in love than I could have ever thought possible.

Our babies came into our lives and left it far more satisfied. 

They are our light.

-Samone-

One month...

Month 1 of the rest of my life without them.

I heard that you never 
:get over the loss: or :move on:
 -you learn how to survive it.
How am I? Surviving!

I am still hoping I am going to wake up...

The past 4 days have been shockingly rough... 

Last Tuesday we were back from vacation and I was in good spirits- 

motivated, smiling, optimistic- it all went down hill from there...

the rest of the week I was tired, sluggish, uninterested in anything. My follow up appt. was approaching and I think I was dreading the possibility of resurfaced feelings- 

that were already still so fresh, 

and to be back there seemed unreal.

                                                

I had my follow up with my doctor on Monday (yesterday). The pain of walking into that office, no longer pregnant, and there for a very different reason triggered tears, disappointment, anger and worry. I was having anxiety the day and night before...I was stuck replaying the slide show of the past 5 months over and over. I wondered what would we discuss, how would we interact, would it be awkward, or comfortable.

It's similar to the night before their memorial. The build up was worst than the actual day. The gash you've tried to seal up gets ripped open-and you have to start over. You prepared for the worse. Your feelings, crying in front of people (which can quickly make them uncomfortable and confused on how to help). I me not knowing how to respond to the typical- I'm sorry-.

During the visit my Doctor, who I feel is more of a friend than my doctor, talked about them, talked about the birth, what I remember and what I don't, he mentioned it being a small miricale I went into shock when I did. An event like that is something you won't want to have to remember. We talked about how I was doing,

 Jordan and I's relationship. 

(Statistics are sadly high for divorce after loss of a child)  

and then we got to talk about our future plans. 

Of course tears flowed a few times and but it turned out to be a relief, and very comforting. There are fears and questions, but there is hope. 

After the appt. I went to lunch with my mom, who attended the appt with me, it made this day a lot better than it could have turned out! It's been good to have the company of others to distract, comfort and share laughter. 

People that understand. That feel what you feel. 
Some days I just can't leave the house, but the times I do I mostly enjoy myself. I get overwhelmed quickly and easily triggered, but you can't allow yourself to get stuck in your comfort zone. If I allow myself too much time alone thinking... I start to spiral into sadness and what-ifs.

 I love my story. As much as I feel defeated some days, devastated... like I can't go on- I am proud of this life. I might not have my perfect ending, but this is only one chapter in my book. Probably my favorite chapter, and I would never rewrite it or delete it.
 I love them and they are mine. 
Always a part of me.

I decorated Jax, Stella and Beck's grave.

I am so grateful to have them close by.

I drove to Dallas to take care of plans for a future dedication to my babies.

It went perfectly and I am SO looking forward to the next step in healing.

Yesterday was surprisingly OK and so was today. 

I am currently content. 

-Samone-