May 2 2016

365 days since I last saw your little faces.

Life is so wonderful and more than I could ever imagined possible a year ago. It looks almost perfect from the outside looking in, but the truth is, it's never going to be fully complete just like I'll never fully heal. All these emotions and memories only become tolerable, never easier. 

I was sent three perfect miracles that have brought a level of healing some people will never have. How such an amazing blessing landed in my lap is only explained by a miracle. 

Sometimes I just like to pretend you three were sent back to me... And you really aren't gone.

Thank you for my perfect miracles. I know you guarded them&

I look for each of you in their faces. 

I will share (for the benefit of others that are or will brave the journey again...)

This pregnancy I put myself on auto pilot just wanted to get past the weeks and to the day I would meet them... Some days, most days, I believed I would lose them also. Constantly waiting for the "other shoe to drop" why wouldn't it... When something so horrific has happened once, you'll never feel exempt from disaster again. You'll never say never... 

You actually believe it's just part of your normal. I was actually convinced if nothing happened to them... It would be me. I was not going to be able to enjoy them... They weren't "real" yet, and maybe they never would be to me.

I was petrified during the entire csection... Waiting for my stats to drop, blood loss, I was the crazy patient that in the days leading up I was asking about iron infusions and blood transfusions to make sure I could have control of something... I would do anything to make sure it all went ok.

Time ticked by so slow it seemed like forever while I was in the middle of it, but now it's over, they are here. Safe. So I am. It happened So much faster than I thought possible. It's bitter sweet. I don't regret being fearful or closing myself up- that's what you do when you've lost a child, children and you've been put back at the start of a scary similar race...

BUT

 If there's one thing I've learned is time stops for no one. It keeps going and that's a good thing because it keeps you going too. For now my mind is still trying to catch up to my body.. 
I'm desperately trying to comprehend the fact they are indeed mine, all mine.
They are here with me...

To my children, What an amazing gift you've given me and what priceless lessons you've all taught me. You've given me something to stand for and live for. I will not stop talking, because my children are worth talking about and what I suffered through, my diagnosis, was and IS preventable. 

I WILL speak out for my children, and for others. 

Our Family Tradition.

May 2015

May 2, 2016

To know me Is to know them. 

Who I am right now, today, is because of them. I have more compassion, empathy and sensitivity than I've ever carried. They are a blessing not a sad story. 

What I have learned in 2015

I would never say 2015 has been the "worst year", instead 2015 has been a hard year. 

It's been a year of blessings and then loss. 

I've learned to be grateful in the midst of grief. 

Joyful instead of angry. 

And to be hopeful not fearful.

What I have learned in 2015.

In my eyes the strongest, most beautiful women- mothers….

Are not ones who choose to breastfeed their child.

Are not the ones who choose a "natural" birth.

Are not even the ones who carried their own children for 9 mons.

Or the ones who hold many children in their arms.

Life can change too quickly to think you have it all "under control".

#1 LESSON: You have control over NOTHING.

They are the women and mothers who over came cancer, gave their lives in place of their child, 

or were left with a scarred body after a tradgic diagonisis. 

They gave and give everything they have left to their child.

They are the women who despite “ideal” genetics or situations chose to carry their 

high risk pregnanacy all the way to the end,

 As long as they could… or until their child was no longer with them.

They knew they might go through all this pain, being poked, scanned, 

drilled by doctor After doctor… not giving up. 

Then In some cases never leaving the hospital with their child.

They are the ones who could not carry a child in their bodies, but made a commitment to love one as if they did.

The ones who fought through all odds to TRY, but still feel that they failed. You didn’t fail. You are a hero.

 The ones who finally got their "wish" and it was taken.

Lets not be niave to think that everything in life is perfect.

That pregnancy is perfect, or that there is a right and wrong way to raise a child,

OR be a mother.

I can PROMISE you, don't mistake, It is those individuals the women, men, mothers, fathers who know the greatest loss and devastation

That love their children the deepest, in a completely uncomprendable way.

Those are the strongest in my eyes.

Some of us have already realized, and others are struggling right now… deeply…

Please know you DID get your miracle.

You are the MOTHER of ALL MOTHERS.

And the FATHER of ALL FATHERS.

Keep fighting.

Sending you nothing but love into 2016.

ALL mothers are special,  all mothers are important and all mothers are beautiful.

And some have endure more than you'll ever comprehend.

Never assume you know someone's story.

If 2015 was difficult, just keep going. 

It might not get easier tomorrow... or next week, but it will become more bearable.    

And as for my little miracles. 

You are the greatest part of 2015, and your are the greatest part of everyday.

You are thought of. You're always mine.

"How beautiful it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard"

Angels among us

This is just a little thank you, because I'll never be able to adequately show the amount of appreciation and gratitude I have for the many people who have reached out. (and continue)
Without you I'm not sure if I would be here.

"Some of my best friends I have never met in person. I know them only through Facebook, But that's ok- Friendship is not about touching the hand of another but rather it is touching their heart and should."

I am lucky enough to be surround by people of all ages, all walks of life that have sat with me, cried with me and talked with.  Have invited me to lunch, who've cooked & brought it to us.

Thank you. To the angels that sent cards and flowers, and to those who just kept us in their prayers.

Thank you. To those who are facing their own loss and found the strength to reach out... Thank you.

I joke I am getting so spoiled by this love... I may not recover.

The gifts given in their memory are my most favorite possessions
Every single one of them I will keep forever. 

Recently, The most incredible woman sent me a personalized gift (there were actually several bundled together).

The amount of time spent making this is absolutely unbelievable. I'm just, I'm speechless, I'm at a loss of words for what she has done for me, for what everyone has done. The most beautiful part- this lovely lady is not a friend that I talk to every day, we don't text, we don't call each other or hang out on the weekends, our paths crossed in high school and we have managed to stay in touch; Mostly by Facebook. But she is a woman who knows... she is one of the most creative and cutest women I have the pleasure of knowing. That is what makes this even more special to me.

She also has 2 young boys of her own that she took time away from to focus on me and mine, and created something just so personalized, and thought out. I was speechless. For weeks she would send me pictures teasing me daily of this beautiful project she was working on.

When I finally received it and held it in my hands I just didn't know what to do first. Tears flowed as I opened the box to everything Jax, Stella, and Beck- More happy tears than sad ones this time! I was overwhelmed. The pictures she has been sending over the past few weeks were a shadow compared to the final product. She did not let me down, she gave me hope, happiness, validation all at once.

I could spent hours reading and focusing the beautiful embellishments and verses. I love that she used some of my favorite quotes and added ones she knew would be appreciated.
In it I received a journaling bible that she has so beautifully started, a note pad for recording and remembering passages, inspiring notes, a handmade mug... it's a box full of art.

I don't need to speak her name because like she said,

"Let them bless you without giving recognition, because Jesus will give them recognition in Heaven and fill their crown with jewels!"

I show you these photos so you can share in the hope and healing I've gained from this. 

All of this giving has shown me that even the smallest gesture can have a HUGE impact... 

at a time when it's needed most.

I CAN NOT SAY IT ENOUGH

"Sometimes there are stormy moments in your life when your friends do more than just walk with you; they become angels that carry you and protect you with their wings."

We all have Secrets

I still reach down and touch my stomach...

 Even thought it's empty I will never forget it was their home.

I still pin to their board on Pinterest.

I won't delete it, the type of "pins" have just changed... 

I look at their photos a few times a week, the only photos 

I'll ever have of them. I refresh my memory of their faces.

The videos too(I'm so grateful for recording the last sonogram I would have.)
Stella was being a Diva. I loved it.

I visit them once a day. I talk to them.

I say their names out loud to myself.

Over and over. 

Different orders Beck Jax Stella. Stella Beck Jax. Jax Stella Beck. 

I want to talk about them, all the time. So you can ask...

I search for everything in 3's.

When I see butterflies or cardinals I think of them. 

I am overwhelmed with envy with I hear a couple has healthy triplets, or higher multiples. 

I feel sick to my stomach when I see someone decorating a nursery in the same colors and patterns...

Yes, I sleep with their bears.

           I wrote a book about them for their future siblings.

I want to say THANK YOU to the moms that wanted to shared their "secrets".
 I hope this can be a looking glasses into our world. Our struggles and fears. 
I hope that this will help you be patient with us. 
Know that this is a life long journey and does not simply disappear after a few years... 
or even after another child.
Some of us may never heal, but we hope to find peace.

" "I dress my bear in her clothes"
"I swear I feel "phantom kicks" Just like when I was pregnant with her"
"I don't want to lose my tummy because I associate it with her [Ella Kate]"

"I have even gone as far as taking their [Cadyn Joseph, Adalyn Grace, Mikayla Michelle] shadow boxes off the wall and bringing them to the basement with me during tornado warnings"

"Four years out and my heart still secretly aches when I have tater tots or chocolate peanut butter milkshakes because those were the foods I craved when I was carrying my boys, Thomas & Nicholas. "

"Its been close to 12 years since my loss and I still think of them [Sydney & Sienna] every time I see a butterfly "

     "That I wish it was me who went and not them [Emma Lee, Chase David]."

"I secretly panic when I hear "boy girl twins""

"I feel sad when someone names their child their names, Jude or Brinly"

What no one tells you...

 Is the bond you have even after they are gone.

 They are not here, and will never return, 

but you hope to feel them around you. 

Return to Zero

Return to Zero is a film, based on a true story.
(bereaved parent's print out is available below it follows along with the movie.)

Last scene in film {return to zero}.

            My story and Return to Zero are different, 
but the emptiness of loss and overwhelming grief all parents, 
moms, feel after this tragedy is similar.  

No loss is the same, no journey is the same and no grief is the same.

You will find, if you have traveled the journey you will share the same thoughts, comments, experiences with so many others that have walked this before you, with you, and will walk this after you. 

"You know what's strange, this pain I feel... I love it. I LOVE it. And I embrace it. I'm afraid if I let it go, I'm going to lose the last little piece if him I still have. It's funny, this thing no one tells you about... about the relationship that begins with them after they die. If I can quiet my head down enough I can feel him... I can hear him."

THIS!

I didn't write it, it's taken from the movie, but it's the EXACT emotion I feel often.

However different our losses are I've notice the same feelings over and over.

The same quotes, same emotions... 

Guilt

• For not being able to prevent what was out of our control for the most part.
• For laughing, or finding happiness again.
• For wanting more children.
• For thinking we did something, ate something, drank something, something from our past...

Anger- This one explains itself.

• (lets be honest) We are mad that the drugged up hooker gets a baby...
• the 16 year old who has no clue.
• the one who doesn't want children and it "just happened".
• the one who aborts.
• and so on... we are angry at everyone. Sorry.

Regret

• Not demanding the doctor to check and re check.
• Not following our instincts, and trusting our doctors know it "all". (even with the best drs we will always wonder)
• Doing "too" much, Not going on Bed rest early enough.
• Should we have ran more test.
• Not knowing to ask the questions we didn't even know needed to be asked.

We realize most of this is out of our control, but it doesn't matter. 

We just wish we could go back and do more.

We will never stop asking,

Did we do enough? 

What if?

The same articles are passed around through support groups and support pages. 

When we finally hear the words that reflect our exact feelings we cling to them. 

We shout "I am not CRAZY!" "Someone else feels exactly the way I do."

Validation that our fears, thoughts and feelings are not just our own!

"The sense of understanding and belonging is invaluable 
and incredibly healing." 

You are not alone. 



HERE is a guide for bereaved parents 
(given by the "Return to Zero" site.)

Is Ignorance bliss?

Would Not knowing what it's like to be their mom make my life "easier"?

Not having known my children would mean I wouldn't miss them every second of every day.

 I wouldn't have to look into the future and realize they will [forever] be missing. 

Missing from family photos... Holidays... Birthdays...

I wouldn't have to face the fact I'll never see any of their milestones. First steps, words, graduation, weddings. 

Big or small.

I wouldn't have my heart shatter at the silence that should be full of their cries and laughter. 

The words "I love you mommy" wouldn't be missed and longed for. 

I wouldn't be suffocating in tears every time I realize this is real, they are not coming back, I can't wake up, I don't have a second chance. 

I wouldn't have to feel the heartache, have reason for the gallons of tears, I wouldn't have puffy eyes and dark circles, & I wouldn't be a mess.

I would be blissfully ignorant. 

Pregnancy did not happen easy for us.

It took years, it took praying, it took crying and begging.

Then, like a miracle, my cries were heard, prayers answered and the wait was over.

Then overnight gone. 

Is ignorance bliss? 

No.

 As painful as every second and everyday will be, no matter how many tears I cry and no matter how many children I go on to have.  They are my unique gift not many get. 

They are apart of my story and, they are, my favorite chapter and also my most tragic.  

I will talk about them, celebrate them, cry about them.

I can't see them but if I quiet my aching heart I may feel them.

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief.
But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared 
with the pain of never risking love.” 
- Hilary Stanton Zunin 

Surviving 2 months.

I've survived 2 months.

2 months of them gone.

For 2 months my babies have been in Heaven.

It's sinking in that less than 3 months I would have been holding my 3 babies,
 small, healthy, tiny premies... but with the best odds.

Every hope. Every dream. Gone.

I only had 19 weeks with them. 

I can't remember how they felt like inside me. 

I wish I had enjoyed every moment of pregnancy,

                                     instead I spent those 19 weeks scared. 

Scared of exactly what happened.

I was robbed of my pregnancy, something we wanted so bad.

My excitement and joy was always blended with terror and anxiety. 

I'm so angry.

2 months later... I can tell you it's not 

any easier. 

There are more good days than bad days, 

but the bad are BAD. 

They sneak up and sometimes I can't catch my breath.

Sometimes the pain can last only a few minutes other times it can last a few hours,

 and then other times you're stuck in the cycle for a couple of days

 eventually you make it down the hill.

     -BUT-

I have Hope. Always.

Sometimes I ask "why" why God did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to meet them as beautiful as they were.

We were Blessed to have met them, 

and to have held them.

-Samone-