"Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud. If you get to read that chapter in someone else's story, know that access to it is an honor. 

Sometimes the quiet parts carry the most treasure"

I never thought I would be so transparent. Believe it or not I'm actually quite a private person with anything personal, yes I'll always speak my opinions and beliefs but with personal matters I either hold it to myself or disclose to close friends and family. 

I'm happy Proud to share this Journey, it's really just about them. Not about me. I'm along for this ride. It's about me speaking their names, celebrating them, creating things for them, loving them.
I will never stop speaking their names. 

3 months ago,

I swaddled them up and said goodbye to their cold bodies, placed them in their baby casket. We snapped a few more photos, the only photos we would have of them. Forever frozen in time never to grow, never to walk. Beautiful little bodies photographed. Our most treasured possessions. 

We closed the lid and took them home. They didn't ride in a car seat, they rode in their baby casket in the back of our suburban we bought for them. This huge SUV is empty without them, 3 empty seats where their car seats should be. 

We brought them inside and sat the casket on our bed. I should have laid with them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them. 

I feel so close to them today. 

I want to reach out and pick them up again and I remember they are in the ground, across the yard, buried under a tree. 

It sickens me.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.

This month has been especially hard on me. As their due date approaches I find myself in a ball of emotions.

Confused...

Everything leads up to this one day.

For most people it will be here and gone, just another day. For me it will be finite.


Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.

Once again I ask myself is it easier?

          No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared. 

This is the only kind of mother I know how to be. 

I'm a puzzle with 3 missing pieces.

 The text, the calls, the support, the encouragement, the gifts, the care and just speaking their names... Thank you. 

This is not something to battle in silence and I am so blessed I don't have to! 

Thank you for riding this journey with me and allowing Jax, Stella, and Beck to enter your heart.

We all have Secrets

I still reach down and touch my stomach...

 Even thought it's empty I will never forget it was their home.

I still pin to their board on Pinterest.

I won't delete it, the type of "pins" have just changed... 

I look at their photos a few times a week, the only photos 

I'll ever have of them. I refresh my memory of their faces.

The videos too(I'm so grateful for recording the last sonogram I would have.)
Stella was being a Diva. I loved it.

I visit them once a day. I talk to them.

I say their names out loud to myself.

Over and over. 

Different orders Beck Jax Stella. Stella Beck Jax. Jax Stella Beck. 

I want to talk about them, all the time. So you can ask...

I search for everything in 3's.

When I see butterflies or cardinals I think of them. 

I am overwhelmed with envy with I hear a couple has healthy triplets, or higher multiples. 

I feel sick to my stomach when I see someone decorating a nursery in the same colors and patterns...

Yes, I sleep with their bears.

           I wrote a book about them for their future siblings.

I want to say THANK YOU to the moms that wanted to shared their "secrets".
 I hope this can be a looking glasses into our world. Our struggles and fears. 
I hope that this will help you be patient with us. 
Know that this is a life long journey and does not simply disappear after a few years... 
or even after another child.
Some of us may never heal, but we hope to find peace.

" "I dress my bear in her clothes"
"I swear I feel "phantom kicks" Just like when I was pregnant with her"
"I don't want to lose my tummy because I associate it with her [Ella Kate]"

"I have even gone as far as taking their [Cadyn Joseph, Adalyn Grace, Mikayla Michelle] shadow boxes off the wall and bringing them to the basement with me during tornado warnings"

"Four years out and my heart still secretly aches when I have tater tots or chocolate peanut butter milkshakes because those were the foods I craved when I was carrying my boys, Thomas & Nicholas. "

"Its been close to 12 years since my loss and I still think of them [Sydney & Sienna] every time I see a butterfly "

     "That I wish it was me who went and not them [Emma Lee, Chase David]."

"I secretly panic when I hear "boy girl twins""

"I feel sad when someone names their child their names, Jude or Brinly"

What no one tells you...

 Is the bond you have even after they are gone.

 They are not here, and will never return, 

but you hope to feel them around you. 

Surviving 2 months.

I've survived 2 months.

2 months of them gone.

For 2 months my babies have been in Heaven.

It's sinking in that less than 3 months I would have been holding my 3 babies,
 small, healthy, tiny premies... but with the best odds.

Every hope. Every dream. Gone.

I only had 19 weeks with them. 

I can't remember how they felt like inside me. 

I wish I had enjoyed every moment of pregnancy,

                                     instead I spent those 19 weeks scared. 

Scared of exactly what happened.

I was robbed of my pregnancy, something we wanted so bad.

My excitement and joy was always blended with terror and anxiety. 

I'm so angry.

2 months later... I can tell you it's not 

any easier. 

There are more good days than bad days, 

but the bad are BAD. 

They sneak up and sometimes I can't catch my breath.

Sometimes the pain can last only a few minutes other times it can last a few hours,

 and then other times you're stuck in the cycle for a couple of days

 eventually you make it down the hill.

     -BUT-

I have Hope. Always.

Sometimes I ask "why" why God did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to meet them as beautiful as they were.

We were Blessed to have met them, 

and to have held them.

-Samone-

For better, for worse and the unimaginable.

Our lives, marriage, and relationship is changed forever after the loss of our children.

My love for Jordan has grown in a way I can't even comprehend. 

Our journey has shown me traits in him that were there all along I was just too selfish to see. During our multiple stays in the hospital I was able to see just how much love and care he has for me. 

When I was in too much pain to ask for help or trying to be brave and in denial of what was happening he called for help, and made them contact our doctors. 

When I was suffering, the pain too much to bare, he was my voice screaming for pain medication to help me.

When I was lying there hooked up to blood, during my transfusions, vitals all over the place-  as soon as the bag would be empty, before the machine would beep to alert the nurse, he was already out there making sure they had more ready. 

{I got to witness how much he loves me, how well he can take of me, 

how hard he would fight for me.}

My life, my love will never be the same.

Our love is rare, it is special, and is unique. Some think they may have this kind of magic... but when you can feel it in times like this it's an extraordinary feeling. The feeling never really goes away once you experience it. I can't imagine living life without him. 

There is no one else I would want to go through this with. 

{He is so gentle and sensitive to my moods and feelings. 

Always concerned about me and my happiness.}

I only hope he knows I would have done the same for him.

Instead of being torn apart we have been brought together. 

Jax, Stella, and Beck changed us and TIED
 us together in ways like never before...

We are happy, optimistic and more in love than I could have ever thought possible.

Our babies came into our lives and left it far more satisfied. 

They are our light.

-Samone-

you think you know?

This kinda goes along with my "VENT" I posted recently. I'd like to "pretend" like I want to apologize for some of the negativity and my bad attitude, but SORRY NOT SORRY.

It's my right.

{Please understand that I so appreciate your effort to reach out and let me know you sympathize.}

Recently, two or three times, I've been told, "I know how you feel" "I've been here". I'm sure it not the last time I'll hear, but lets clear a few things up-

You know how I feel?

SO, you know what it feels like to be having triplets, one day everything be healthy and normal, and the next your fighting to keep them in your body. 

{You know what it's like to pray everyday to be the exception, not the rule.}

Terrified you may become a statistic, you don't want to be included in that portion of multiples that do not make it to viable birth age.

 You understand the fear of laying in a hospital bed after surgery hoping everything will stay stable for 20 more weeks. Listening to your OB and Specialist fight-it-out over what it best for me and the babies. 

You know the feeling of labor coming, and knowing your babies can not survive outside of you, nothing works to stop the one thing that CANNOT be happening!

You know what it's like to be told you almost did not make it through labor. It was very serious, they chose to save me, because without me the babies could not survive.

And I will never understand the trama my husband had to go through watching me give birth to our 3 babies knowing they would not survive if born... holding them alone. Me unconscious not knowing if I was going to be ok. 

That day he almost lost all 4 of us.

Most of all, can you fathom the emotional devestation of holding your 3 babies, that just 2 days before were healthy and growing, in your arms. Seeing their faces, features, watching your husband cry, feeling helpless, confused and angry. Then picking out a head stone for your children, wrapping them up together and placing them in their tiny baby casket, then burying their little bodies.

and if we needed, the cherry on top, the after effects of childbirth... 

the constant reminders of what you have gone through, and in the end you don't have your babies.

Everyday there is emptiness.

Yes you may be angry at your body just like I am, you may be angry at everyone that is happy and has their child. you may understand your own loss, the dream of what could have been- but you don't understand mine. you did not lose 3 miracles all at once- that were wanted SO badly.  The fullness that we felt immediately. The love we had, excitement ahead.

We will all face our own grief and we deal with it the best we can.

and if you still think you "know how i feel" "I've been here also" - Bless your heart. 

I'm here for you, if you need to talk. 

It's confusing, heartbreaking, and doesn't seem like reality most of the time.
{ I feel like I'm living half way between reality and a bad dream. }

The best thing I have been told, "I know what it's like to lose a child, but I don't know what it's like to lose babies... I can understand a little of what you are going though" 

*it was a breath of fresh air*

-Samone-

Why I write...

“Better to write for yourself and have no public,
 than to write for the public and have no self.”

-Cyril Connolly



I don't write to gain an audience, if someone stumbles across my public diary and it encourages them or shares awareness... then I have written well. I am not an english major... or even a great writer, I misuse punctuation and misspell words, but I write for the angels below now living above. They will be known and live in my words.

Jax, Stella and Beck 

Worth the Cost

Your life here on Earth
Was not meant to be,
But I don't regret the cost
of trying to bring you here with me.

Although I only held you briefly
Before they took you away from me.
It was worth every pain, every tear shed,
Because I treasure the love you inspired in me.



-Samone-

Their Memorial- May 9th, 2015

May 9th.

It hit me, that I needed to have a photographer capture this memory. I am a firm believer in,

 "you only regret the photos you don't take"

I wanted to remember what a beautiful day it was, our family and friends being there to support us, and THEM.

Sometimes I feel like a small part of my life is missing, like it never existed. 

That is terrifying. 

It doesn't seem real, like this could have happened. Maybe it is my mind blocking out the horrible thing that has happen to protect me mentally... but I know they were real, they were beautiful and worth everything. I would absolutely do it all over again, and again. Even if I get them for little awhile- I got them! I always want them to exist as much as they can without actually being here. 

{They are always my babies.}

My Favorite moment.

My mom suggested we do a butterfly release. 

On the wings of the tiniest earth angels,
may the spirit of those that we mourn today be remembered
and may this be the start of healing for all.

-Samone-

A beautiful gift of their first bibles. 2 blue, 1 pink of course!

Surrounded by love and support

Thank you Sidney *Green couch photography*