What I have learned in 2015

Thursday, December 31, 2015

I would never say 2015 has been the "worst year", instead 2015 has been a hard year. 

It's been a year of blessings and then loss. 

I've learned to be grateful in the midst of grief. 
Joyful instead of angry. 
And to be hopeful not fearful.

What I have learned in 2015.

In my eyes the strongest, most beautiful women- mothers….

Are not ones who choose to breastfeed their child.
Are not the ones who choose a "natural" birth.
Are not even the ones who carried their own children for 9 mons.
Or the ones who hold many children in their arms.
Life can change too quickly to think you have it all "under control".

#1 LESSON: You have control over NOTHING.

They are the women and mothers who over came cancer, gave their lives in place of their child, 
or were left with a scarred body after a tradgic diagonisis. 
They gave and give everything they have left to their child.

They are the women who despite “ideal” genetics or situations chose to carry their 
high risk pregnanacy all the way to the end,
 As long as they could… or until their child was no longer with them.
They knew they might go through all this pain, being poked, scanned, 
drilled by doctor After doctor… not giving up
Then In some cases never leaving the hospital with their child.

They are the ones who could not carry a child in their bodies, but made a commitment to love one as if they did.

The ones who fought through all odds to TRY, but still feel that they failed. You didn’t fail. You are a hero.

 The ones who finally got their "wish" and it was taken.

Lets not be niave to think that everything in life is perfect.
That pregnancy is perfect, or that there is a right and wrong way to raise a child,
OR be a mother.

I can PROMISE you, don't mistake, It is those individuals the women, men, mothers, fathers who know the greatest loss and devastation
That love their children the deepest, in a completely uncomprendable way.

Those are the strongest in my eyes.
Some of us have already realized, and others are struggling right now… deeply…
Please know you DID get your miracle.

You are the MOTHER of ALL MOTHERS.
Keep fighting.

Sending you nothing but love into 2016.

ALL mothers are special,  all mothers are important and all mothers are beautiful.
And some have endure more than you'll ever comprehend.
Never assume you know someone's story.

If 2015 was difficult, just keep going. 
It might not get easier tomorrow... or next week, but it will become more bearable.    

And as for my little miracles. 

You are the greatest part of 2015, and your are the greatest part of everyday.
You are thought of. You're always mine.
"How beautiful it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard"

I'm "Back"

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

It's 6:30 am rainy, windy and I should be sleeping... 
But when the words come I write them down.

This blog has been at a stand still.

Every week I desperately want to write something, but it becomes a broken record... 
I miss them, I'm always thinking about them, why are they not here, and so on. 

I have however learned to find joy in the sadness.

I've learned how to find empowerment in tragedy, because despite how much you love your child, your will never be able to experience just how much until they are taken.
 Well I know that love.

While no one wants to know what it's like to no longer be able to hold your child,
it's shocking how immense the love actually is after loss.
It's special. It's beautiful. It's mine.
I'm Lucky...