I would never say 2015 has been the "worst year", instead 2015 has been a hard year. 

It's been a year of blessings and then loss. 

I've learned to be grateful in the midst of grief. 

Joyful instead of angry. 

And to be hopeful not fearful.

What I have learned in 2015.

In my eyes the strongest, most beautiful women- mothers….

Are not ones who choose to breastfeed their child.

Are not the ones who choose a "natural" birth.

Are not even the ones who carried their own children for 9 mons.

Or the ones who hold many children in their arms.

Life can change too quickly to think you have it all "under control".

#1 LESSON: You have control over NOTHING.

They are the women and mothers who over came cancer, gave their lives in place of their child, 

or were left with a scarred body after a tradgic diagonisis. 

They gave and give everything they have left to their child.

They are the women who despite “ideal” genetics or situations chose to carry their 

high risk pregnanacy all the way to the end,

 As long as they could… or until their child was no longer with them.

They knew they might go through all this pain, being poked, scanned, 

drilled by doctor After doctor… not giving up. 

Then In some cases never leaving the hospital with their child.

They are the ones who could not carry a child in their bodies, but made a commitment to love one as if they did.

The ones who fought through all odds to TRY, but still feel that they failed. You didn’t fail. You are a hero.

 The ones who finally got their "wish" and it was taken.

Lets not be niave to think that everything in life is perfect.

That pregnancy is perfect, or that there is a right and wrong way to raise a child,

OR be a mother.

I can PROMISE you, don't mistake, It is those individuals the women, men, mothers, fathers who know the greatest loss and devastation

That love their children the deepest, in a completely uncomprendable way.

Those are the strongest in my eyes.

Some of us have already realized, and others are struggling right now… deeply…

Please know you DID get your miracle.

You are the MOTHER of ALL MOTHERS.

And the FATHER of ALL FATHERS.

Keep fighting.

Sending you nothing but love into 2016.

ALL mothers are special,  all mothers are important and all mothers are beautiful.

And some have endure more than you'll ever comprehend.

Never assume you know someone's story.

If 2015 was difficult, just keep going. 

It might not get easier tomorrow... or next week, but it will become more bearable.    

And as for my little miracles. 

You are the greatest part of 2015, and your are the greatest part of everyday.

You are thought of. You're always mine.

"How beautiful it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard"

TAC Surgery day.

There's nothing quite like the "empty sonogram" after a loss.

It's surprisingly painful and emotional. A lot of first...

Good news... everything looks good and procedure is about to start! 

I arrive at the hospital, get checked and they take me to my room to wait. The sterile, gloomy environment is too much and the tears start... another first... I'll admit I use to enjoy hospital stays, it's like a hotel, but better you lay in a bed and people take care of you!

Not after experiencing death. In this way. 

I wipe the tears away and I am brave.

As I am being wheeled into the OR to place my TAC I can't help but think about Jax, Stella and Beck. If only I could have saved them. If there was anyone who would do anything to go back in time, it's me. After losing them I threw myself into the whys- I came up with a million reasons and several were my own fault... I found peace finally. It was my body.

I don't  I Stopped blaming myself. I'm angry yes, could more have been done, maybe...  

Would they have still be born early... Probably.
I realize I can't control everything.

Two of my MOST favorite quotes. 

I'm no longer so focused on the fact my body failed me, and the "I wish I would've knowns" and all those other issues. I've made a decision to do all that I can do for anything that may happen in the future, It's not like I'm just left standing here with nothing; I'm armed with the knowledge and the resources and the fact that I can do this!

My complication potenically has a solution, and for that I am so thankful for. I am so thankful I went searching on the internet. I am so glad for the breakdown I had when I found out a TAC may have saved them... It helped me say YES I am doing this! Even thought it's too late to save them... It's another page turned in my story of healing.

The pain of losing Jax, Stella and back has pushed me to choose the most invasive procedure, but with the highest success rate. 

This procedure is life changing.

I can not trust my body so I have done all that I can do to help it. 

The dreams of having my triplets did not come true, 

but my dream of having a family and siblings for then will come true. 

Sometimes you have to be your own hero. 

You have to know what is good for you and go for it. 

No matter what anyone is telling you or what the medical books say... Go for it. 

I'm sore, uncomfortable and I've added a few more scars to my canvas,
 but this pain is nothing compare the hurt of loss. 

I don't care about anything that I have to endure as long as that means

 that I have a healthy family and that makes me feel like a mom.

I'm finally feeling almost back to normal and I have hope for the future and
 I'm bringing them with me.

Angels among us

This is just a little thank you, because I'll never be able to adequately show the amount of appreciation and gratitude I have for the many people who have reached out. (and continue)
Without you I'm not sure if I would be here.

"Some of my best friends I have never met in person. I know them only through Facebook, But that's ok- Friendship is not about touching the hand of another but rather it is touching their heart and should."

I am lucky enough to be surround by people of all ages, all walks of life that have sat with me, cried with me and talked with.  Have invited me to lunch, who've cooked & brought it to us.

Thank you. To the angels that sent cards and flowers, and to those who just kept us in their prayers.

Thank you. To those who are facing their own loss and found the strength to reach out... Thank you.

I joke I am getting so spoiled by this love... I may not recover.

The gifts given in their memory are my most favorite possessions
Every single one of them I will keep forever. 

Recently, The most incredible woman sent me a personalized gift (there were actually several bundled together).

The amount of time spent making this is absolutely unbelievable. I'm just, I'm speechless, I'm at a loss of words for what she has done for me, for what everyone has done. The most beautiful part- this lovely lady is not a friend that I talk to every day, we don't text, we don't call each other or hang out on the weekends, our paths crossed in high school and we have managed to stay in touch; Mostly by Facebook. But she is a woman who knows... she is one of the most creative and cutest women I have the pleasure of knowing. That is what makes this even more special to me.

She also has 2 young boys of her own that she took time away from to focus on me and mine, and created something just so personalized, and thought out. I was speechless. For weeks she would send me pictures teasing me daily of this beautiful project she was working on.

When I finally received it and held it in my hands I just didn't know what to do first. Tears flowed as I opened the box to everything Jax, Stella, and Beck- More happy tears than sad ones this time! I was overwhelmed. The pictures she has been sending over the past few weeks were a shadow compared to the final product. She did not let me down, she gave me hope, happiness, validation all at once.

I could spent hours reading and focusing the beautiful embellishments and verses. I love that she used some of my favorite quotes and added ones she knew would be appreciated.
In it I received a journaling bible that she has so beautifully started, a note pad for recording and remembering passages, inspiring notes, a handmade mug... it's a box full of art.

I don't need to speak her name because like she said,

"Let them bless you without giving recognition, because Jesus will give them recognition in Heaven and fill their crown with jewels!"

I show you these photos so you can share in the hope and healing I've gained from this. 

All of this giving has shown me that even the smallest gesture can have a HUGE impact... 

at a time when it's needed most.

I CAN NOT SAY IT ENOUGH

"Sometimes there are stormy moments in your life when your friends do more than just walk with you; they become angels that carry you and protect you with their wings."

Medically Necessary, not experimental!

Some people probably think I'm crazy, or worse, 

for being this open.

but I KNOW I am being helpful.
I will not apologize or be ashamed.

I would not be where I am right now without the help, research and knowledge of other woman who have been exactly where I am now. Their testimonies, their loses and their happiness after the darkest time in their life; reading their experiences gave me hope. When you've lost everything,

Hope is the ONLY thing you have to hold on to.

I announce the news of my surgery being covered by my insurance!
All my hospital visits, procedures, and their birth have led me to meet my deductibles and out-of-pockets for the year. (strange to be happy about that...)

They have approved this procedure as medically necessary, not experimental! 

Thank you LORD. 
We would have paid it without hesitation, regardless, but what a blessing to have one less burden on our plate.

Let me say that God broke me down and is slowly building me back up. That is what it felt like when I found out what a Trans-abdominal Cerclage was. The tears, the anger, devastation overwhelmed me. Why couldn't I know then what I know now... 

WHY CAN'T I HAVE A SECOND CHANCE.

I'm taking this as my second chance. 

It's all very bitter-sweet, I say this as tears well up in my eyes.

It's tears of happiness and sadness.

Thank you for the prayers and encouragements. 

If I haven't thanked you personally 

-PLEASE-

know that your actions are seen and heard and felt.

You are all an important part of my story.

MY SURGERY IS SET FOR WED, AUG 26TH.

3 Months

"Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud. If you get to read that chapter in someone else's story, know that access to it is an honor. 

Sometimes the quiet parts carry the most treasure"

I never thought I would be so transparent. Believe it or not I'm actually quite a private person with anything personal, yes I'll always speak my opinions and beliefs but with personal matters I either hold it to myself or disclose to close friends and family. 

I'm happy Proud to share this Journey, it's really just about them. Not about me. I'm along for this ride. It's about me speaking their names, celebrating them, creating things for them, loving them.
I will never stop speaking their names. 

3 months ago,

I swaddled them up and said goodbye to their cold bodies, placed them in their baby casket. We snapped a few more photos, the only photos we would have of them. Forever frozen in time never to grow, never to walk. Beautiful little bodies photographed. Our most treasured possessions. 

We closed the lid and took them home. They didn't ride in a car seat, they rode in their baby casket in the back of our suburban we bought for them. This huge SUV is empty without them, 3 empty seats where their car seats should be. 

We brought them inside and sat the casket on our bed. I should have laid with them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them. 

I feel so close to them today. 

I want to reach out and pick them up again and I remember they are in the ground, across the yard, buried under a tree. 

It sickens me.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.

This month has been especially hard on me. As their due date approaches I find myself in a ball of emotions.

Confused...

Everything leads up to this one day.

For most people it will be here and gone, just another day. For me it will be finite.


Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.

Once again I ask myself is it easier?

          No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared. 

This is the only kind of mother I know how to be. 

I'm a puzzle with 3 missing pieces.

 The text, the calls, the support, the encouragement, the gifts, the care and just speaking their names... Thank you. 

This is not something to battle in silence and I am so blessed I don't have to! 

Thank you for riding this journey with me and allowing Jax, Stella, and Beck to enter your heart.

Life after Loss...

x3

With each day comes a new challenges. 

A new dilemma I have to figure out how to navigate. 

Like the time between then and now. The time makes them feel further away. & I find way to reel them back in. 

I have to learn ways I can remember them and have them as a part of my life without being on the verge of tears everyday. 

I'm learning to be their mom, relating to moms, even though I only knew them 19 weeks.

This is challenging. 

Having hope for the future and happiness for the present,

Is by far the most delicate and difficult balance. 

The most challenge obstacle is dealing with people who don't understand, or don't care. I like to think everyone cares... How can they not. Truth is to the outside world 3 babies died at 19 weeks, and yes it is sad. But they did not know them, they had no bond, But to me my future died with them. 

The littlest loves of my life are buried under a tree.



I am 26, I've lost my first and only children, I have to live without them for the rest of my life, a constant missing piece. 

Learning how to navigate the never ending announcements of pregnancy and new births.
I take a kick to the gut every.single.time.
It brings me to my knees and have to rebuild myself.

To me my world has stopped. It has died. My passion, my drive, my dreams have died with them. I struggle to find a purpose.  My life has stopped... while everyone else around me keeps moving forward.

 One day I'm sure I'll have it all back but for today I am empty, I am sad, anxious, I'm a shell. 
Old me is gone, new me is trying to figure out who I am.

 IF you haven't walked this you will NEVER come close to the heaviness we carry. 

Held Your Whole Life

I received my Held your Whole Life keepsakes in the mail today.

They were so quick to make and send them out and 

I love the extra touch of the 3 peas in a pod. 

"We exist to give recognition to the babies born in silence when the world wants to say they were not babies since they did not breathe air. We hope that by gifting a keepsake necklace or keychain with your beautiful baby's name on it, you will know that your child counted. We hope that you will find comfort and healing through those of us who have survived, and share your baby’s beautiful name so that we may remember them.

~Asher’s Mommy

Held Your Whole Life, Inc. is a 501c3 Non-Profit Organization"

Having these items helps us to share we hold more in our hearts than you can see.

Jordan's Keychain

My Necklace

I did not have anything with their birthstone so
I made sure to select that as my charm choice.
They added the 3 peas when they found out it was triplets.
Great touch.

They open their form once a month to families wanting a keepsake. 
please share this information with other families you think may benefit.
-they have Facebook and a website-


Donations
are critical for them to continue offering this for free.
All they ask is for families to pay the shipping.


"If you would like to sponsor a Held Your Whole Life piece for another grieving mother, you may do so for a $8 donation per piece. A $40 donation will help us give 5 mother's this small gift to hold close to their heart."

Please consider a donation. 



1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss

& If you are holding a perfectly healthy baby in your arms you are
luckier than you know.
& If you have carried a healthy baby to term you are more
blessed than millions of moms.

Despite their colds and and occasional unfavorable health situations
you still have your child. 
Hold them tight, because you do not know when you may have your last hug.

We all have Secrets

I still reach down and touch my stomach...

 Even thought it's empty I will never forget it was their home.

I still pin to their board on Pinterest.

I won't delete it, the type of "pins" have just changed... 

I look at their photos a few times a week, the only photos 

I'll ever have of them. I refresh my memory of their faces.

The videos too(I'm so grateful for recording the last sonogram I would have.)
Stella was being a Diva. I loved it.

I visit them once a day. I talk to them.

I say their names out loud to myself.

Over and over. 

Different orders Beck Jax Stella. Stella Beck Jax. Jax Stella Beck. 

I want to talk about them, all the time. So you can ask...

I search for everything in 3's.

When I see butterflies or cardinals I think of them. 

I am overwhelmed with envy with I hear a couple has healthy triplets, or higher multiples. 

I feel sick to my stomach when I see someone decorating a nursery in the same colors and patterns...

Yes, I sleep with their bears.

           I wrote a book about them for their future siblings.

I want to say THANK YOU to the moms that wanted to shared their "secrets".
 I hope this can be a looking glasses into our world. Our struggles and fears. 
I hope that this will help you be patient with us. 
Know that this is a life long journey and does not simply disappear after a few years... 
or even after another child.
Some of us may never heal, but we hope to find peace.

" "I dress my bear in her clothes"
"I swear I feel "phantom kicks" Just like when I was pregnant with her"
"I don't want to lose my tummy because I associate it with her [Ella Kate]"

"I have even gone as far as taking their [Cadyn Joseph, Adalyn Grace, Mikayla Michelle] shadow boxes off the wall and bringing them to the basement with me during tornado warnings"

"Four years out and my heart still secretly aches when I have tater tots or chocolate peanut butter milkshakes because those were the foods I craved when I was carrying my boys, Thomas & Nicholas. "

"Its been close to 12 years since my loss and I still think of them [Sydney & Sienna] every time I see a butterfly "

     "That I wish it was me who went and not them [Emma Lee, Chase David]."

"I secretly panic when I hear "boy girl twins""

"I feel sad when someone names their child their names, Jude or Brinly"

What no one tells you...

 Is the bond you have even after they are gone.

 They are not here, and will never return, 

but you hope to feel them around you.