From hope to hopeless and back again...

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Grief is a series of peaks and valleys.
Many good days and many bad, they come out of no where.
This week have been a valley.
I'm not sure why some hours, days and weeks are easier than others, but it's a constant ride.

Today I would have been 26 weeks, and while I can not live in the past, 
I also can't forget.
There are lots of mini goals we set throughout this pregnancy.
The further along we got the better off we would be.
I wouldn't find out.

My bad week had a few bright moments.

I reached out to an Artist who sculpts for a living.
Her sculptures are beautiful and personal. 
She offers all types, custom, or ready to ship.

She has a special place for grieving families, and offers beautiful keepsakes.
Whatever you want she can work with you to create your vision.
Her store is called "The Midnight Orange", her name is Dana.
I contacted her wanting more information on what would represent my family.
She had so many great ideas and during the conversation she said she would like to send me something... when she sent me the photo I nearly hyperventilated.

She said she had made it a few months ago, but never listed it in her Etsy store.
When we were discussing design (monarch wings, triplets...) she knew she had something special, meant for me. It's a charm that can be worn on a chain, or I may make it into an ornament for our tree... the holidays are going to very different this year. I'm not prepared to even think about that.

I took it as a sign. A gift from above, it touched my heart.

But thats not all...
Have you heard of "Molly Bears"? Molly was born still to mother Bridget, who created this AMAZING organization. It gives moms who have lost a chance to hold their babies again... These bears are perfectly weighed to the specification of your babies birth weight. A way to hold your baby, to feel them in your arms. I can tell you first hand how important this is. The ache you feel starts in your heart and takes over your whole body. 
You feel anger and overwhelming devastation.

They use to be free, but over the years (unfortunatly) the demand has rose as her work travelled around the community. These bears are sewn by volunteers... they are non profit. The cost are high and they do this to help families... Once a month they open the request form, with a $20 donation you are added and your bear starts to be produced. It can take a few months to receive this special gift. The total cost of making one bear, is just under $50. They work hard to customize these bears to help you memorialize your child, or children. 

     Dana is good friends with Bridget I had mention Molly Bears to Dana how I thought that was an extraordinary idea and hoped to get my own when I could then I received a message back from, Dana, the artist at "The midnight orange", she had contacted Bridget and wanted sponsored 3 bears for me. I nearly fainted... Seriously?

I will feel them in my arms again. I can cuddle them and hold them.

These incredible humans. They do not know me, only my story and have offered their time, and their work to help me heal. Im speechless and in awe of their hearts.

 God is good.
Someone is looking out for me.


Everyone who has been there, friends, family, strangers, your so precious.
You can not get through this without help. We are healing because of you.

A Letter to my husband

Sunday, June 21, 2015

"A Father is not defined by the number of children you see,
 but the amount of love that he holds in his heart" 

To My Grieving husband on Father's Day,

     It seems the worst things happen to the best people. You are the most incredible, kind, giving, selfless person I’ve ever met, how I got so lucky I’ll never know. Watching you go through this is heartbreaking. 

{You are STRONG. You are a ROCK. You are a MAN. You are MINE.}

Thank you for being strong enough to cry and share your emotions and fears. Thank you for trusting me with your heart, I treasure it. 

 Thank you for working without complaining, even when you are having a bad day and need time to yourself. You've somehow manage to provide more than enough support for both of us, and allowed me to grieve on my own time. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. 

Thank you for putting up with my moods, selfishness, emotions... I know that I am not always easy to deal with. I am emotional, especially this past month. I can be selfish, demanding and angry. You let it all the roll off your back and just hug me. 

{You are an example of what a man IS and should be.}

                                                                                                                     Jordan Holding Jax, our first born.

Aside from giving me my greatest gift, Our Triplets, you've given me my second greatest gift- the freedom to do what I love, whatever that might be. You support us so I can figure out what my passion is. You refuse to let me settle. No more working late nights, dealing with stress and fixing other peoples mistakes...
 You've given me the chance to find MY  calling and go for it.   

You believe in me more than I believe in myself.

-Your Wife-

Happy Fathers Day.
You are the most deserving father.

For better, for worse and the unimaginable.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Our lives, marriage, and relationship is changed forever after the loss of our children.

My love for Jordan has grown in a way I can't even comprehend. 

Our journey has shown me traits in him that were there all along I was just too selfish to see. During our multiple stays in the hospital I was able to see just how much love and care he has for me. 

When I was in too much pain to ask for help or trying to be brave and in denial of what was happening he called for help, and made them contact our doctors. 
When I was suffering, the pain too much to bare, he was my voice screaming for pain medication to help me.

When I was lying there hooked up to blood, during my transfusions, vitals all over the place-  as soon as the bag would be empty, before the machine would beep to alert the nurse, he was already out there making sure they had more ready. 

{I got to witness how much he loves me, how well he can take of me, 
how hard he would fight for me.}

My life, my love will never be the same.
Our love is rare, it is special, and is unique. Some think they may have this kind of magic... but when you can feel it in times like this it's an extraordinary feeling. The feeling never really goes away once you experience it. I can't imagine living life without him. 
There is no one else I would want to go through this with. 

{He is so gentle and sensitive to my moods and feelings. 
Always concerned about me and my happiness.}

I only hope he knows I would have done the same for him.
Instead of being torn apart we have been brought together. 
Jax, Stella, and Beck changed us and TIED
 us together in ways like never before...
We are happy, optimistic and more in love than I could have ever thought possible.
Our babies came into our lives and left it far more satisfied. 
They are our light.


What is Strength?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

How are you so strong?

I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. 
I feel sad, weak, confused, bitter, angry.
I struggle getting out of bed, I struggle leaving the house, I struggle being around people

It's not a matter of being strong or looking strong- it's a matter of survival. 
You don't move on, you don't let go, you don't recover from this. You survive it, or maybe you learn to cope. I am no expert, but it seems you learn to survive this life in your own way because everything has changed.

I've lost 3 times over. 3 babies at once. 
Each of them would have had their 
own accomplishment and goals, 
I've lost all of it. 3 of everything.

You want so badly to live life the same day by day because you can't imagine moving on- you can imagine life not working out the way you thought it was...

You feel stuck in this rhythm of what you think is still going to happen, eventually you realize that has all changed and you now how to figure out where to go from there. 

So when you tell me I am brave or strong- you are so kind. And it does give me the nudge I might have needed in that moment, and the thought that I maybe I'm doing this right... That maybe I am strong and brave!

Truth is...

When I smile, laugh,  relax, do something for myself- it's all I can do to survive, that's what i am doing, surviving. In between my struggles day to day- I try to find the smiles, laughter and light.


Country roads.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

I live in beautiful East Texas, near the famous first monday trade days most days out here it is quite, peaceful and sunny. When I leave the house I sometimes bring my camera with me. Sometimes I leave with a purpose other times it's just to leave the house, think to myself, listen to music, relax. Many times I will be driving down these country roads, look to my right, and see the most beautiful landscape. The light will be just right, shining through branches reflecting off of a leaf or a flower. Sunlight shining through the clouds over a huge pasture of green grass. 
An old barn patched up with rusty colorful tin.

These are the roads I drive down every day and if I just take the time to look around, I will see  
a perfect picture made just for me, and In these moments you realize there is so much more to life. Slowing down, be still, breathe, it's beautiful. You realize quickly how insignificant material things are... Your brain won't allow social media to consume your mind and shut of your thoughts.
Nothing matters but the people around you, living, and being happy.

Sometimes you don't have to go looking for inspiration and hope, just wait and it will come to you.
•The most random things can be beautiful•

Keep moving forward.
As always -thank you thank you thank you- for your support.
Somedays I need it more than others, but it's ALWAYS an encouragement.

"I may have lost but I will gain again in time. 
In the darkest hours of night I remember my bravery.
When my eyes are blinded by tears I remember my beauty.
I am tougher than I think."


One month...

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Month 1 of the rest of my life without them.

I heard that you never 
:get over the loss: or :move on:
 -you learn how to survive it.
How am I? Surviving!

I am still hoping I am going to wake up...

The past 4 days have been shockingly rough... 
Last Tuesday we were back from vacation and I was in good spirits- 
motivated, smiling, optimistic- it all went down hill from there...
the rest of the week I was tired, sluggish, uninterested in anything. My follow up appt. was approaching and I think I was dreading the possibility of resurfaced feelings- 
that were already still so fresh, 
and to be back there seemed unreal.


I had my follow up with my doctor on Monday (yesterday). The pain of walking into that office, no longer pregnant, and there for a very different reason triggered tears, disappointment, anger and worry. I was having anxiety the day and night before...I was stuck replaying the slide show of the past 5 months over and over. I wondered what would we discuss, how would we interact, would it be awkward, or comfortable.

It's similar to the night before their memorial. The build up was worst than the actual day. The gash you've tried to seal up gets ripped open-and you have to start over. You prepared for the worse. Your feelings, crying in front of people (which can quickly make them uncomfortable and confused on how to help). I me not knowing how to respond to the typical- I'm sorry-.

During the visit my Doctor, who I feel is more of a friend than my doctor, talked about them, talked about the birth, what I remember and what I don't, he mentioned it being a small miricale I went into shock when I did. An event like that is something you won't want to have to remember. We talked about how I was doing,
 Jordan and I's relationship. 
(Statistics are sadly high for divorce after loss of a child)  
and then we got to talk about our future plans. 
Of course tears flowed a few times and but it turned out to be a relief, and very comforting. There are fears and questions, but there is hope. 

After the appt. I went to lunch with my mom, who attended the appt with me, it made this day a lot better than it could have turned out! It's been good to have the company of others to distract, comfort and share laughter. 
People that understand. That feel what you feel. 
Some days I just can't leave the house, but the times I do I mostly enjoy myself. I get overwhelmed quickly and easily triggered, but you can't allow yourself to get stuck in your comfort zone. If I allow myself too much time alone thinking... I start to spiral into sadness and what-ifs.

 I love my story. As much as I feel defeated some days, devastated... like I can't go on- I am proud of this life. I might not have my perfect ending, but this is only one chapter in my book. Probably my favorite chapter, and I would never rewrite it or delete it.
 I love them and they are mine. 
Always a part of me.

I decorated Jax, Stella and Beck's grave.
I am so grateful to have them close by.

I drove to Dallas to take care of plans for a future dedication to my babies.
It went perfectly and I am SO looking forward to the next step in healing.

Yesterday was surprisingly OK and so was today. 
I am currently content. 


TRIPLETS, High Order multiples STATS

Monday, June 1, 2015

Most people do not know or understand the risk involved with twins, triplets and other high order multiples...  It's not all rainbows and butterflies. The families you see on TV are the RARE except to the rules... they are not the rule. They may have had access to extremely technologically advanced facilities, or doctors that have done this a million times. 
Even with all that on your side... failure could be just right around the corner.

Even a singleton pregnancy has many risk. 
Lets multiply those risk x3.
Having major risk makes you look at others peoples pregnancies with a different view. You will never appreciate your perfectly healthy pregnancy-Until the unthinkable happens to you, you will never see how lucky you are. Your morning sickness you complain about is nothing. Your back pains are nothing. Your headaches, your extra weight, how huge you are... all your complaints are nothing. Keep in mind all the woman who can not get pregnant, struggling to get pregnant or can not stay pregnant next time you decide to complain about one of your petty problems.
When your 40 weeks pregnant complaining you want the baby out...
Instead be grateful.

{back to multiples}

Be prepared. 
The entire time I had a "feeling" this was too good to be true. 
{some think we were crazy to be having triplets,
 It wasn't chosen... it was given to us.}
 I tried so hard to be excited and stay positive. I really did not want to purchase anything until after 26 weeks (even then they babies would face many weeks in the NICU and struggle .. but they had a chance). I was very stand offish when I would talk about "what we needed". I tried not to buy too much stuff, tried not to talk to much about how excited we were. Everything was going well, growing, I was healthy, strong heartbeats...I had no reason to be worried... until the past month. My body started to fail me.
When you carry multiples you grow much faster, meaning there is more weight pressing down much earlier than a singleton pregnancy.    

My feeling was right and devastation is an understatement. 


Although there are many joys for these families, far less well know are the higher risks for the mothers and babies. Prematurity and low birth weight are the main reason for increased mortality and disability for these children. 
Sadly, much of these pregnancies involve losing one or all babies, or caring for one or more children with cerebral palsy and other health and developmental problems.  


Preterm Birth

Preterm labor and birth pose the greatest risk to a multiple pregnancy. Sixty percent of multiples are born prematurely (<37 weeks) compared to about 10% of singleton pregnancies. Feasibility of a vaginal delivery depends on the size, position, and health of the infants, as well as the size and shape of the mother’s pelvic bones. Cesarean section is often needed for twin pregnancies and is expected for delivery of triplets.

The chance of preterm delivery at 24 to 32 weeks is about one per cent in singleton pregnancies, five per cent in twins, 20 per cent in triplets and 10 per cent in triplets reduced to twins.

"Selective" REDUCTION:

Lets talk abut the fact you are asked to basically abort some of your babies. You are encourage out of the best interest for yourself and your pregnancy to reduce down to either singleton or twins.
I refused, and absolutely have no regrets. It was all or nothing...
In the management of multifetal pregnancies there are three options: 
  • Continuing with the whole pregnancy 
  • Termination of the whole pregnancy 
  • Embryo reduction to twins

Maternal Complications:
  • postpartum hemorrhage
  • preeclampsia 
  • HELLP (hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, and low platelets) syndrome
  • intraventricular hemorrhage
  •  The perinatal mortality was 41 per 1000. (Death few weeks before or after birth)
I was shocked by that number...


This is only a small glimpse of what we deal with, what we face and what we agree to when we embark on such an emotional journey.
{There is lifelong heart break and lifelong suffering which is so often underestimated or forgotten by professionals and the public.}

I don't know why we were chosen for this pain and others are not. 
That is the one question I keep asking. Some woman can have 2,3,4,5,6 babies, ok even 8- at one time. Why could I not carry mine?
I should stop asking because I'll never know... and what benefit would it be to me if I did get my answer. 
I can not change what has already happen.  
-and that is the key.