My babies are 2 weeks old!

or "34 weeks"

Oh my!

My "goal" was 34 weeks, but what a wonderful surprise

 to get to meet them earlier than expected.

How blessed we are that they are so healthy and learning what they need to come home with us! 

Over the past week they have lost alittle weight, but then gained it back plus more. Asher and Aspen are wearing big boy and girl clothes! No more just diapers. Cross our tiny boy wore his first outfit today! He just needs a bit more fat to help him maintain his body temp and will be catching up soon!

Last week Aspen and Asher's oxygen was removed, Cross did not require any since birth, no more IVs, they are now feeder-growers! They are tolerating their feeds and taking their vitamins:). 

The doctor ordered a brain sono just as a precaution, major problems are rare at 32 weeks, but I'm thankful for the extra Checking. Everything was normal. 

They are starting to learn how to eat orally, they are making great progress and eating more everytime we try. Aspen is food motivated! Most of the time she takes her whole feed in the bottle, if she keeps this up she will be coming home first!

They love to be held and we love to hold them... 

They make the sweetest noises like little baby dinosaurs. 

The last few days have been pretty exciting (for me). 

Saturday

We had a photographer from "The tiny footprints project" come take photos of them. It's a wonderful organization that provides this free service to NICU families. We will look back on these memories and smile. We are so blessed. There is currently only photography for the DFW area, so if you are a photographer please consider donating alittle of your time- what a beautiful service you'd be providing. 

Today 

I got to snuggle them all skin to skin -together- for the first time. Cross thought he was an only child and was enjoying his freedom... He was a worm and fussy, then he got some lunch in his tummy and settled down alittle. It was pretty magical.

 I still can't believe they are mine... 

Here are some pictures our nurse took while the photographer was there so I could have a few now, I'm so impatient! 

And some pictures from today... Our skin to skin time. 

Thanks to everyone for being apart of our journey. We have no clue how we got so lucky. 

This is what a MIRACLE looks like...

Aspen, Cross, Asher 

If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart. 

Soon enough they will be too big to hold together. 

God IS Good.

A Triple Blessing

It's time we announce the great gift we've been given, the beauty that came from such a dark time, another miracle set of triplets. The first time was shock, the second time... 

We knew there was a Divine plan. 

Boy, Boy, Girl. 

Yes, Just like Jax, Stella and Beck. 

Their due date is one year to the date after we lost Jax, Stella and Beck.

May 2nd, 2015 (Birthday)

May 2nd, 2016 (40 week due date)

No we didn't plan this, he did.

No we didn't expect this, he already knew.

Yes we were shocked. 

We were scared. Still are.

But we know the anxieties are only taken away by one person and he has created a plan so much better than we could have even imagine. 

We miss Jax, Stella and Beck.

We ache with every thought, "they should be here". Always our first, always the first grandchildren for my parents, always the first granddaughter for Jordan's. There should be 3 more children running around. But how can something so miraculous happen, and you not believe they had something to do with this. They are not gone- they are very much alive. 

We believe God has the perfect plan to fill your broken heart with 

just the right amount of healing. 

We don't understand his plan, but are so grateful for his unlimited blessings. 

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."  

A triple Rainbow.

They were not a storm or "a loss", it was their absence that put a dark cloud over our lives. The constant ache of a hole that will never close. 

Jax, Stella and Beck will remain in our family forever. They will be recognized, and treated as if they are here with us, just gone from sight. We will always expect nothing less for their lives. They have been an incredible blessing and continue to teach us and bless us.
 I'll never be able to hold Jax, Stella and Beck again, but I know they are in the safest arms. On earth I will be able to hold three more little loves for as long as I am given with them. 

Most days it doesn't seem real, to good to be true,

 but we hold to faith they WILL be joining us in March!

We are so appreciative of your thoughts, prayers, positivity and support over the past year.

The love and blessings we've received are truly priceless. 

Over the weekend we were showered in love by our church. 

They have become family and a KEY piece to our healing.

It was even more beautiful that we included Jax, Stella and Beck.

We hope that you will pray with us over the next few months that they stay safely inside, continue to grow and thrive and that I have a smooth c-section with a quick recovery.

TAC Surgery day.

There's nothing quite like the "empty sonogram" after a loss.

It's surprisingly painful and emotional. A lot of first...

Good news... everything looks good and procedure is about to start! 

I arrive at the hospital, get checked and they take me to my room to wait. The sterile, gloomy environment is too much and the tears start... another first... I'll admit I use to enjoy hospital stays, it's like a hotel, but better you lay in a bed and people take care of you!

Not after experiencing death. In this way. 

I wipe the tears away and I am brave.

As I am being wheeled into the OR to place my TAC I can't help but think about Jax, Stella and Beck. If only I could have saved them. If there was anyone who would do anything to go back in time, it's me. After losing them I threw myself into the whys- I came up with a million reasons and several were my own fault... I found peace finally. It was my body.

I don't  I Stopped blaming myself. I'm angry yes, could more have been done, maybe...  

Would they have still be born early... Probably.
I realize I can't control everything.

Two of my MOST favorite quotes. 

I'm no longer so focused on the fact my body failed me, and the "I wish I would've knowns" and all those other issues. I've made a decision to do all that I can do for anything that may happen in the future, It's not like I'm just left standing here with nothing; I'm armed with the knowledge and the resources and the fact that I can do this!

My complication potenically has a solution, and for that I am so thankful for. I am so thankful I went searching on the internet. I am so glad for the breakdown I had when I found out a TAC may have saved them... It helped me say YES I am doing this! Even thought it's too late to save them... It's another page turned in my story of healing.

The pain of losing Jax, Stella and back has pushed me to choose the most invasive procedure, but with the highest success rate. 

This procedure is life changing.

I can not trust my body so I have done all that I can do to help it. 

The dreams of having my triplets did not come true, 

but my dream of having a family and siblings for then will come true. 

Sometimes you have to be your own hero. 

You have to know what is good for you and go for it. 

No matter what anyone is telling you or what the medical books say... Go for it. 

I'm sore, uncomfortable and I've added a few more scars to my canvas,
 but this pain is nothing compare the hurt of loss. 

I don't care about anything that I have to endure as long as that means

 that I have a healthy family and that makes me feel like a mom.

I'm finally feeling almost back to normal and I have hope for the future and
 I'm bringing them with me.

3 Months

"Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud. If you get to read that chapter in someone else's story, know that access to it is an honor. 

Sometimes the quiet parts carry the most treasure"

I never thought I would be so transparent. Believe it or not I'm actually quite a private person with anything personal, yes I'll always speak my opinions and beliefs but with personal matters I either hold it to myself or disclose to close friends and family. 

I'm happy Proud to share this Journey, it's really just about them. Not about me. I'm along for this ride. It's about me speaking their names, celebrating them, creating things for them, loving them.
I will never stop speaking their names. 

3 months ago,

I swaddled them up and said goodbye to their cold bodies, placed them in their baby casket. We snapped a few more photos, the only photos we would have of them. Forever frozen in time never to grow, never to walk. Beautiful little bodies photographed. Our most treasured possessions. 

We closed the lid and took them home. They didn't ride in a car seat, they rode in their baby casket in the back of our suburban we bought for them. This huge SUV is empty without them, 3 empty seats where their car seats should be. 

We brought them inside and sat the casket on our bed. I should have laid with them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them. 

I feel so close to them today. 

I want to reach out and pick them up again and I remember they are in the ground, across the yard, buried under a tree. 

It sickens me.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.

This month has been especially hard on me. As their due date approaches I find myself in a ball of emotions.

Confused...

Everything leads up to this one day.

For most people it will be here and gone, just another day. For me it will be finite.


Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.

Once again I ask myself is it easier?

          No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared. 

This is the only kind of mother I know how to be. 

I'm a puzzle with 3 missing pieces.

 The text, the calls, the support, the encouragement, the gifts, the care and just speaking their names... Thank you. 

This is not something to battle in silence and I am so blessed I don't have to! 

Thank you for riding this journey with me and allowing Jax, Stella, and Beck to enter your heart.

Life after Loss...

x3

With each day comes a new challenges. 

A new dilemma I have to figure out how to navigate. 

Like the time between then and now. The time makes them feel further away. & I find way to reel them back in. 

I have to learn ways I can remember them and have them as a part of my life without being on the verge of tears everyday. 

I'm learning to be their mom, relating to moms, even though I only knew them 19 weeks.

This is challenging. 

Having hope for the future and happiness for the present,

Is by far the most delicate and difficult balance. 

The most challenge obstacle is dealing with people who don't understand, or don't care. I like to think everyone cares... How can they not. Truth is to the outside world 3 babies died at 19 weeks, and yes it is sad. But they did not know them, they had no bond, But to me my future died with them. 

The littlest loves of my life are buried under a tree.



I am 26, I've lost my first and only children, I have to live without them for the rest of my life, a constant missing piece. 

Learning how to navigate the never ending announcements of pregnancy and new births.
I take a kick to the gut every.single.time.
It brings me to my knees and have to rebuild myself.

To me my world has stopped. It has died. My passion, my drive, my dreams have died with them. I struggle to find a purpose.  My life has stopped... while everyone else around me keeps moving forward.

 One day I'm sure I'll have it all back but for today I am empty, I am sad, anxious, I'm a shell. 
Old me is gone, new me is trying to figure out who I am.

 IF you haven't walked this you will NEVER come close to the heaviness we carry. 

I am the face of loss.

I was featured on the "Faces of Loss" blog page. 

They are sharing stories to show how common miscarriage, infant and still birth is. 

Showing you are not alone! 

You do not have to be silent.

 It's painful to talk about but with the right people it can be healing, 

and create beautiful friendships. 

Support them by donation that will help produce a new documentary on child loss awareness, and you can also submit your own story.

Held Your Whole Life

I received my Held your Whole Life keepsakes in the mail today.

They were so quick to make and send them out and 

I love the extra touch of the 3 peas in a pod. 

"We exist to give recognition to the babies born in silence when the world wants to say they were not babies since they did not breathe air. We hope that by gifting a keepsake necklace or keychain with your beautiful baby's name on it, you will know that your child counted. We hope that you will find comfort and healing through those of us who have survived, and share your baby’s beautiful name so that we may remember them.

~Asher’s Mommy

Held Your Whole Life, Inc. is a 501c3 Non-Profit Organization"

Having these items helps us to share we hold more in our hearts than you can see.

Jordan's Keychain

My Necklace

I did not have anything with their birthstone so
I made sure to select that as my charm choice.
They added the 3 peas when they found out it was triplets.
Great touch.

They open their form once a month to families wanting a keepsake. 
please share this information with other families you think may benefit.
-they have Facebook and a website-


Donations
are critical for them to continue offering this for free.
All they ask is for families to pay the shipping.


"If you would like to sponsor a Held Your Whole Life piece for another grieving mother, you may do so for a $8 donation per piece. A $40 donation will help us give 5 mother's this small gift to hold close to their heart."

Please consider a donation. 



1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss

& If you are holding a perfectly healthy baby in your arms you are
luckier than you know.
& If you have carried a healthy baby to term you are more
blessed than millions of moms.

Despite their colds and and occasional unfavorable health situations
you still have your child. 
Hold them tight, because you do not know when you may have your last hug.

We all have Secrets

I still reach down and touch my stomach...

 Even thought it's empty I will never forget it was their home.

I still pin to their board on Pinterest.

I won't delete it, the type of "pins" have just changed... 

I look at their photos a few times a week, the only photos 

I'll ever have of them. I refresh my memory of their faces.

The videos too(I'm so grateful for recording the last sonogram I would have.)
Stella was being a Diva. I loved it.

I visit them once a day. I talk to them.

I say their names out loud to myself.

Over and over. 

Different orders Beck Jax Stella. Stella Beck Jax. Jax Stella Beck. 

I want to talk about them, all the time. So you can ask...

I search for everything in 3's.

When I see butterflies or cardinals I think of them. 

I am overwhelmed with envy with I hear a couple has healthy triplets, or higher multiples. 

I feel sick to my stomach when I see someone decorating a nursery in the same colors and patterns...

Yes, I sleep with their bears.

           I wrote a book about them for their future siblings.

I want to say THANK YOU to the moms that wanted to shared their "secrets".
 I hope this can be a looking glasses into our world. Our struggles and fears. 
I hope that this will help you be patient with us. 
Know that this is a life long journey and does not simply disappear after a few years... 
or even after another child.
Some of us may never heal, but we hope to find peace.

" "I dress my bear in her clothes"
"I swear I feel "phantom kicks" Just like when I was pregnant with her"
"I don't want to lose my tummy because I associate it with her [Ella Kate]"

"I have even gone as far as taking their [Cadyn Joseph, Adalyn Grace, Mikayla Michelle] shadow boxes off the wall and bringing them to the basement with me during tornado warnings"

"Four years out and my heart still secretly aches when I have tater tots or chocolate peanut butter milkshakes because those were the foods I craved when I was carrying my boys, Thomas & Nicholas. "

"Its been close to 12 years since my loss and I still think of them [Sydney & Sienna] every time I see a butterfly "

     "That I wish it was me who went and not them [Emma Lee, Chase David]."

"I secretly panic when I hear "boy girl twins""

"I feel sad when someone names their child their names, Jude or Brinly"

What no one tells you...

 Is the bond you have even after they are gone.

 They are not here, and will never return, 

but you hope to feel them around you. 

Return to Zero

Return to Zero is a film, based on a true story.
(bereaved parent's print out is available below it follows along with the movie.)

Last scene in film {return to zero}.

            My story and Return to Zero are different, 
but the emptiness of loss and overwhelming grief all parents, 
moms, feel after this tragedy is similar.  

No loss is the same, no journey is the same and no grief is the same.

You will find, if you have traveled the journey you will share the same thoughts, comments, experiences with so many others that have walked this before you, with you, and will walk this after you. 

"You know what's strange, this pain I feel... I love it. I LOVE it. And I embrace it. I'm afraid if I let it go, I'm going to lose the last little piece if him I still have. It's funny, this thing no one tells you about... about the relationship that begins with them after they die. If I can quiet my head down enough I can feel him... I can hear him."

THIS!

I didn't write it, it's taken from the movie, but it's the EXACT emotion I feel often.

However different our losses are I've notice the same feelings over and over.

The same quotes, same emotions... 

Guilt

• For not being able to prevent what was out of our control for the most part.
• For laughing, or finding happiness again.
• For wanting more children.
• For thinking we did something, ate something, drank something, something from our past...

Anger- This one explains itself.

• (lets be honest) We are mad that the drugged up hooker gets a baby...
• the 16 year old who has no clue.
• the one who doesn't want children and it "just happened".
• the one who aborts.
• and so on... we are angry at everyone. Sorry.

Regret

• Not demanding the doctor to check and re check.
• Not following our instincts, and trusting our doctors know it "all". (even with the best drs we will always wonder)
• Doing "too" much, Not going on Bed rest early enough.
• Should we have ran more test.
• Not knowing to ask the questions we didn't even know needed to be asked.

We realize most of this is out of our control, but it doesn't matter. 

We just wish we could go back and do more.

We will never stop asking,

Did we do enough? 

What if?

The same articles are passed around through support groups and support pages. 

When we finally hear the words that reflect our exact feelings we cling to them. 

We shout "I am not CRAZY!" "Someone else feels exactly the way I do."

Validation that our fears, thoughts and feelings are not just our own!

"The sense of understanding and belonging is invaluable 
and incredibly healing." 

You are not alone. 



HERE is a guide for bereaved parents 
(given by the "Return to Zero" site.)

Is Ignorance bliss?

Would Not knowing what it's like to be their mom make my life "easier"?

Not having known my children would mean I wouldn't miss them every second of every day.

 I wouldn't have to look into the future and realize they will [forever] be missing. 

Missing from family photos... Holidays... Birthdays...

I wouldn't have to face the fact I'll never see any of their milestones. First steps, words, graduation, weddings. 

Big or small.

I wouldn't have my heart shatter at the silence that should be full of their cries and laughter. 

The words "I love you mommy" wouldn't be missed and longed for. 

I wouldn't be suffocating in tears every time I realize this is real, they are not coming back, I can't wake up, I don't have a second chance. 

I wouldn't have to feel the heartache, have reason for the gallons of tears, I wouldn't have puffy eyes and dark circles, & I wouldn't be a mess.

I would be blissfully ignorant. 

Pregnancy did not happen easy for us.

It took years, it took praying, it took crying and begging.

Then, like a miracle, my cries were heard, prayers answered and the wait was over.

Then overnight gone. 

Is ignorance bliss? 

No.

 As painful as every second and everyday will be, no matter how many tears I cry and no matter how many children I go on to have.  They are my unique gift not many get. 

They are apart of my story and, they are, my favorite chapter and also my most tragic.  

I will talk about them, celebrate them, cry about them.

I can't see them but if I quiet my aching heart I may feel them.

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief.
But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared 
with the pain of never risking love.” 
- Hilary Stanton Zunin