They Live in me

Friday, May 29, 2015

*Mind Blown*

I recently learned that Fetal cells can remain in mothers for years or decades after birth.
In fact, As far as we know these cell will multiply and divide for many decades, 
perhaps even forever!  
This is Called Microchimerism-
This occurs during pregnancy when cells from a fetus pass through the placenta 
and establish cell families within the mother.

Whoa. Pretty powerful.

A baby photo may melt your heart, but far more significant, in some cases these fetal cells have shown to improve health for moms and repair the blood.
 Studies have shown fetal cells can actually flock to the site of stroke damage. 


Read for yourself the facts and a beautiful story:


Today I really needed to find a sign.
I'd say I think I did!

{"You live on in them, and they live on in you"}

My buddies from beginning till the end. 

So every single "type" of mother...
Let us all be comforted by the fact
They are literally a part of you, swimming around inside of you.


Back from vacation, & Today is a good day

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

This is our first day back from a weekend get-away with our {great} friends to 
Perdido Key , FL.
It's was beautiful, relaxing, and refreshing

It’s also the first day I haven’t laid in bed until 1pm -
 { except vacation… no one would allow that! }
Only thinking about what I could be doing or what needs to be done. 
Today the pain isn’t so paralyzing.
 The days seem to be getting slightly easier, not better, but brighter.
I still cry at least once a day, I'm not moving on... just becoming more optimistic.

 I am starting to enjoy this new chapter of being a “Stay at Home Wife”, 
or what my husband calls… "Trophy-wifein’.

I think about them, Jax Stella and Beck, everyday and that has not changed and I never want it to. Their lives are apart of our love story. They will be apart of their future brothers or sisters story… they will never be forgotten and will always be apart of this family, 
They just get to live far away in the clouds. 

I am starting to enjoy cooking again. I look forward to making dinner, and trying new ideas. I am doing laundry and dishes 
{which is a miracle and I know Jordan is THRILLED}

I am hoping this is an upward trend, and my motivation doesn't run dry.
Maybe tomorrow I will start going to Yoga again.

Today is a good day.


you think you know?

This kinda goes along with my "VENT" I posted recently. I'd like to "pretend" like I want to apologize for some of the negativity and my bad attitude, but SORRY NOT SORRY.

It's my right.
{Please understand that I so appreciate your effort to reach out and let me know you sympathize.}

Recently, two or three times, I've been told, "I know how you feel" "I've been here". I'm sure it not the last time I'll hear, but lets clear a few things up-

You know how I feel?

SO, you know what it feels like to be having triplets, one day everything be healthy and normal, and the next your fighting to keep them in your body. 
{You know what it's like to pray everyday to be the exception, not the rule.}
Terrified you may become a statistic, you don't want to be included in that portion of multiples that do not make it to viable birth age.

 You understand the fear of laying in a hospital bed after surgery hoping everything will stay stable for 20 more weeks. Listening to your OB and Specialist fight-it-out over what it best for me and the babies. 

You know the feeling of labor coming, and knowing your babies can not survive outside of you, nothing works to stop the one thing that CANNOT be happening!

You know what it's like to be told you almost did not make it through labor. It was very serious, they chose to save me, because without me the babies could not survive.
And I will never understand the trama my husband had to go through watching me give birth to our 3 babies knowing they would not survive if born... holding them alone. Me unconscious not knowing if I was going to be ok. 

That day he almost lost all 4 of us.

Most of all, can you fathom the emotional devestation of holding your 3 babies, that just 2 days before were healthy and growing, in your arms. Seeing their faces, features, watching your husband cry, feeling helpless, confused and angry. Then picking out a head stone for your children, wrapping them up together and placing them in their tiny baby casket, then burying their little bodies.

and if we needed, the cherry on top, the after effects of childbirth... 
the constant reminders of what you have gone through, and in the end you don't have your babies.

Everyday there is emptiness.

Yes you may be angry at your body just like I am, you may be angry at everyone that is happy and has their child. you may understand your own loss, the dream of what could have been- but you don't understand mine. you did not lose 3 miracles all at once- that were wanted SO badly.  The fullness that we felt immediately. The love we had, excitement ahead.
We will all face our own grief and we deal with it the best we can.

and if you still think you "know how i feel" "I've been here also" - Bless your heart. 
I'm here for you, if you need to talk. 

It's confusing, heartbreaking, and doesn't seem like reality most of the time.
{ I feel like I'm living half way between reality and a bad dream. }

The best thing I have been told, "I know what it's like to lose a child, but I don't know what it's like to lose babies... I can understand a little of what you are going though" 
*it was a breath of fresh air*


Why I write...

“Better to write for yourself and have no public,
 than to write for the public and have no self.”
-Cyril Connolly

I don't write to gain an audience, if someone stumbles across my public diary and it encourages them or shares awareness... then I have written well. I am not an english major... or even a great writer, I misuse punctuation and misspell words, but I write for the angels below now living above. They will be known and live in my words.

Jax, Stella and Beck 

Worth the Cost

Your life here on Earth
Was not meant to be,
But I don't regret the cost
of trying to bring you here with me.
Although I only held you briefly
Before they took you away from me.
It was worth every pain, every tear shed,
Because I treasure the love you inspired in me.


Their Memorial- May 9th, 2015

Friday, May 22, 2015

May 9th.

It hit me, that I needed to have a photographer capture this memory. I am a firm believer in,
 "you only regret the photos you don't take"
I wanted to remember what a beautiful day it was, our family and friends being there to support us, and THEM.

Sometimes I feel like a small part of my life is missing, like it never existed. 
That is terrifying. 

It doesn't seem real, like this could have happened. Maybe it is my mind blocking out the horrible thing that has happen to protect me mentally... but I know they were real, they were beautiful and worth everything. I would absolutely do it all over again, and again. Even if I get them for little awhile- I got them! I always want them to exist as much as they can without actually being here. 

{They are always my babies.}

My Favorite moment.
My mom suggested we do a butterfly release. 

On the wings of the tiniest earth angels,
may the spirit of those that we mourn today be remembered
and may this be the start of healing for all.


A beautiful gift of their first bibles. 2 blue, 1 pink of course!

Surrounded by love and support

Thank you Sidney *Green couch photography*

It's OK to be bitter, angry and disappointed. {VENT}

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Just a public disclaimer: these sayings/quotes...  
DO NOT work in every situation, They do NOT apply to every life event. 

Sayings that I now HATE: 
{Everything happens for a reason. }
{It's worth the wait. }
{If it's meant to be it will find a way. }
{Good things fall apart so better things can fall together.}
{There's a bigger plan.}

Drumroll please: {I'm sorry for your loss}

No. Not everything happens for a reason, why would I want something good to fall apart... What could be better than the greatest thing that's ever happened to you... A bigger plan? Because triplets can't be that BIG of a deal. 

{LOSS? Last I checked I was having 3 babies... then I lost 3 babies!}

Keeping a good attitude is is obviously important and some will make you believe it's the best way to make through day to day- but sometimes you just can't. You hate everyone, no one understand and you feel like having a pity party- and it's OK. Not everyday has to be perfect. You don't have to be strong, you don't have to put on your fake smile and your fake laugh. 
{We only do that to make other people happy and feel more comfortable.}

I'm not perfect, my life isn't perfect, I'm not going to be in the perfect mood everyday, but I try to be respectful to anyone I see or talk to. Just know sometimes it takes more of an effort than you know. When you ask how are you doing, and I say fine... Good... OK...

What would your reaction be if I said I'm angry, sad, im not OK.
You'd probably be uncomfortable and confused and not know what to say next... 

I have memories of this life that I feel never existed... 
AND So if your curious 
that's how I am doing... 

Somedays are better than others.


Can you feel a broken heart?

This other morning I woke up with some uncomfortable chest pains. 

{trying not to be dramatic}

but I thought i was having a heart attack. Everything that has been going on and with how our lives are playing out recently, 
I wouldn’t be surprised if I was having more medical issues.

I told myself maybe you need to eat better and more often, I’m not really hungry, and when I do eat it’s not healthy like I usually try to stick to.  
Maybe I need to get active, drink more water?

I thought some more… maybe thats pain from a broken heart.

Maybe God is waking me up, telling me to go. Go do something, stay active, busy, keep yourself healthy- a light it coming.

I did not felt the pains again …

He is near:

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.


Our greatest gifts

Monday, May 18, 2015

      Many friends and family know Starting April 20th, I was put on bed rest for weeks praying for our babies to hold on 4 more months. 
    On May 2nd, 
    We found out just how difficult it is to carry 3 babies. I was checked back into the hospital Friday, May 1st. Early Saturday morning, May 2nd, I went into early labor. 
    {our story has a lot of details that no one will really understand}
       We became parents to the most beautiful angels I could have ever pictured. Their tiny bodies so young, but perfectly formed you could see each ones features special and who they took after. We find comfort in getting to stare at their faces memorizing every line, curve, and wrinkle. 
    Jax was born first, the most excited to see us I suppose. Jordan held him for over an hour While the Dr tried to save the other two, but I was too unstable and at 8:30 Stella was born followed by Beck. Im so proud of what we made and no one will ever take them away from us. 
      From 5am- 9am Jordan stood by as we lost all our babies, Then had to sit and watch as I fought regain consciousness, through unstable vitals, and loss of blood. I underwent a blood transfusion, 6 bags of blood later God brought me through and amazingly my blood count increased over the next 24 hours. My husband is the strongest most incredible man I know. 
    Most people will never know this pain, and some know it too well. I am convinced that this sort of suffering is reserved for Gods strongest people the ones he knows will become stronger... Better.
      Our Dr tried everything he had access to help get them here healthy. For that we are forever thankful and know we have no regrets or "what ifs", which is a gift in itself...

The pain is suffocating. &It seems like a cruel joke this happened a week prior to Mother's Day, we don't understand why, but we have faith... Eventually... That we will feel hope and joy again. We already have new smiles knowing we have our very own Angels.

May 9th, 2015

Today we bring them home to spend forever with us. We will be surrounded with close friends and family as we lay them under a huge oak tree on our property. The outpour of support and prayers has been incredible and without we could not have made it through this devastating week.

"A moment in my arms forever in our hearts" 

Mom and Dad


I will continue to share my struggles, updates, and encouragements...