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Showing posts with label triplet pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label triplet pregnancy. Show all posts

1 year.

Monday, May 2, 2016

May 2 2016

365 days since I last saw your little faces.
Life is so wonderful and more than I could ever imagined possible a year ago. It looks almost perfect from the outside looking in, but the truth is, it's never going to be fully complete just like I'll never fully heal. All these emotions and memories only become tolerable, never easier. 

I was sent three perfect miracles that have brought a level of healing some people will never have. How such an amazing blessing landed in my lap is only explained by a miracle


Sometimes I just like to pretend you three were sent back to me... And you really aren't gone.
Thank you for my perfect miracles. I know you guarded them&
I look for each of you in their faces. 


I will share (for the benefit of others that are or will brave the journey again...)
This pregnancy I put myself on auto pilot just wanted to get past the weeks and to the day I would meet them... Some days, most days, I believed I would lose them also. Constantly waiting for the "other shoe to drop" why wouldn't it... When something so horrific has happened once, you'll never feel exempt from disaster again. You'll never say never... 
You actually believe it's just part of your normal. I was actually convinced if nothing happened to them... It would be me. I was not going to be able to enjoy them... They weren't "real" yet, and maybe they never would be to me.
I was petrified during the entire csection... Waiting for my stats to drop, blood loss, I was the crazy patient that in the days leading up I was asking about iron infusions and blood transfusions to make sure I could have control of something... I would do anything to make sure it all went ok.

Time ticked by so slow it seemed like forever while I was in the middle of it, but now it's over, they are here. Safe. So I am. It happened So much faster than I thought possible. It's bitter sweet. I don't regret being fearful or closing myself up- that's what you do when you've lost a child, children and you've been put back at the start of a scary similar race...
BUT
 If there's one thing I've learned is time stops for no one. It keeps going and that's a good thing because it keeps you going too. For now my mind is still trying to catch up to my body.
I'm desperately trying to comprehend the fact they are indeed mine, all mine.
They are here with me...


To my children, What an amazing gift you've given me and what priceless lessons you've all taught me. You've given me something to stand for and live for. I will not stop talking, because my children are worth talking about and what I suffered through, my diagnosis, was and IS preventable. 
I WILL speak out for my children, and for others. 




Our Family Tradition.

May 2015

May 2, 2016

To know me Is to know them. 
Who I am right now, today, is because of them. I have more compassion, empathy and sensitivity than I've ever carried. They are a blessing not a sad story. 








A Triple Blessing

Monday, January 18, 2016


It's time we announce the great gift we've been given, the beauty that came from such a dark time, another miracle set of triplets. The first time was shock, the second time... 
We knew there was a Divine plan


Boy, Boy, Girl. 
Yes, Just like Jax, Stella and Beck. 


Their due date is one year to the date after we lost Jax, Stella and Beck.
May 2nd, 2015 (Birthday)
May 2nd, 2016 (40 week due date)


No we didn't plan this, he did.
No we didn't expect this, he already knew.
Yes we were shocked. 
We were scared. Still are.
But we know the anxieties are only taken away by one person and he has created a plan so much better than we could have even imagine. 


We miss Jax, Stella and Beck.
We ache with every thought, "they should be here". Always our first, always the first grandchildren for my parents, always the first granddaughter for Jordan's. There should be 3 more children running around. But how can something so miraculous happen, and you not believe they had something to do with this. They are not gone- they are very much alive. 


We believe God has the perfect plan to fill your broken heart with 
just the right amount of healing. 
We don't understand his plan, but are so grateful for his unlimited blessings. 









"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."  
A triple Rainbow.







They were not a storm or "a loss", it was their absence that put a dark cloud over our lives. The constant ache of a hole that will never close. 

Jax, Stella and Beck will remain in our family forever. They will be recognized, and treated as if they are here with us, just gone from sight. We will always expect nothing less for their lives. They have been an incredible blessing and continue to teach us and bless us.
 I'll never be able to hold Jax, Stella and Beck again, but I know they are in the safest arms. On earth I will be able to hold three more little loves for as long as I am given with them. 







Most days it doesn't seem real, to good to be true,
 but we hold to faith they WILL be joining us in March!
We are so appreciative of your thoughts, prayers, positivity and support over the past year.
The love and blessings we've received are truly priceless. 

Over the weekend we were showered in love by our church. 
They have become family and a KEY piece to our healing.


It was even more beautiful that we included Jax, Stella and Beck.

We hope that you will pray with us over the next few months that they stay safely inside, continue to grow and thrive and that I have a smooth c-section with a quick recovery.





What I have learned in 2015

Thursday, December 31, 2015


















I would never say 2015 has been the "worst year", instead 2015 has been a hard year. 

It's been a year of blessings and then loss. 


I've learned to be grateful in the midst of grief. 
Joyful instead of angry. 
And to be hopeful not fearful.






What I have learned in 2015.

In my eyes the strongest, most beautiful women- mothers….

Are not ones who choose to breastfeed their child.
Are not the ones who choose a "natural" birth.
Are not even the ones who carried their own children for 9 mons.
Or the ones who hold many children in their arms.
Life can change too quickly to think you have it all "under control".

#1 LESSON: You have control over NOTHING.




They are the women and mothers who over came cancer, gave their lives in place of their child, 
or were left with a scarred body after a tradgic diagonisis. 
They gave and give everything they have left to their child.


They are the women who despite “ideal” genetics or situations chose to carry their 
high risk pregnanacy all the way to the end,
 As long as they could… or until their child was no longer with them.
They knew they might go through all this pain, being poked, scanned, 
drilled by doctor After doctor… not giving up
Then In some cases never leaving the hospital with their child.


They are the ones who could not carry a child in their bodies, but made a commitment to love one as if they did.

The ones who fought through all odds to TRY, but still feel that they failed. You didn’t fail. You are a hero.

 The ones who finally got their "wish" and it was taken.



Lets not be niave to think that everything in life is perfect.
That pregnancy is perfect, or that there is a right and wrong way to raise a child,
OR be a mother.


I can PROMISE you, don't mistake, It is those individuals the women, men, mothers, fathers who know the greatest loss and devastation
That love their children the deepest, in a completely uncomprendable way.


Those are the strongest in my eyes.
Some of us have already realized, and others are struggling right now… deeply…
Please know you DID get your miracle.



You are the MOTHER of ALL MOTHERS.
And the FATHER of ALL FATHERS.
Keep fighting.





Sending you nothing but love into 2016.

ALL mothers are special,  all mothers are important and all mothers are beautiful.
And some have endure more than you'll ever comprehend.
Never assume you know someone's story.



If 2015 was difficult, just keep going. 
It might not get easier tomorrow... or next week, but it will become more bearable.    




And as for my little miracles. 

You are the greatest part of 2015, and your are the greatest part of everyday.
You are thought of. You're always mine.
"How beautiful it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard"








TAC Surgery day.

Sunday, August 30, 2015



There's nothing quite like the "empty sonogram" after a loss.
It's surprisingly painful and emotional. A lot of first...
Good news... everything looks good and procedure is about to start! 


I arrive at the hospital, get checked and they take me to my room to wait. The sterile, gloomy environment is too much and the tears start... another first... I'll admit I use to enjoy hospital stays, it's like a hotel, but better you lay in a bed and people take care of you!
Not after experiencing death. In this way. 

I wipe the tears away and I am brave.
As I am being wheeled into the OR to place my TAC I can't help but think about Jax, Stella and Beck. If only I could have saved them. If there was anyone who would do anything to go back in time, it's me. After losing them I threw myself into the whys- I came up with a million reasons and several were my own fault... I found peace finally. It was my body.

I don't  I Stopped blaming myself. I'm angry yes, could more have been done, maybe...  
Would they have still be born early... Probably.
I realize I can't control everything.

Two of my MOST favorite quotes. 
I'm no longer so focused on the fact my body failed me, and the "I wish I would've knowns" and all those other issues. I've made a decision to do all that I can do for anything that may happen in the future, It's not like I'm just left standing here with nothing; I'm armed with the knowledge and the resources and the fact that I can do this!

My complication potenically has a solution, and for that I am so thankful for. I am so thankful I went searching on the internet. I am so glad for the breakdown I had when I found out a TAC may have saved them... It helped me say YES I am doing this! Even thought it's too late to save them... It's another page turned in my story of healing.

The pain of losing Jax, Stella and back has pushed me to choose the most invasive procedure, but with the highest success rate. 

This procedure is life changing.
I can not trust my body so I have done all that I can do to help it. 
The dreams of having my triplets did not come true, 
but my dream of having a family and siblings for then will come true. 

Sometimes you have to be your own hero. 
You have to know what is good for you and go for it. 
No matter what anyone is telling you or what the medical books say... Go for it


I'm sore, uncomfortable and I've added a few more scars to my canvas,
 but this pain is nothing compare the hurt of loss. 

I don't care about anything that I have to endure as long as that means
 that I have a healthy family and that makes me feel like a mom.

I'm finally feeling almost back to normal and I have hope for the future and
 I'm bringing them with me.











Medically Necessary, not experimental!

Wednesday, August 12, 2015





Some people probably think I'm crazy, or worse, 
for being this open.


but I KNOW I am being helpful.
I will not apologize or be ashamed.

I would not be where I am right now without the help, research and knowledge of other woman who have been exactly where I am now. Their testimonies, their loses and their happiness after the darkest time in their life; reading their experiences gave me hope. When you've lost everything,
Hope is the ONLY thing you have to hold on to.




I announce the news of my surgery being covered by my insurance!
All my hospital visits, procedures, and their birth have led me to meet my deductibles and out-of-pockets for the year. (strange to be happy about that...)

They have approved this procedure as medically necessary, not experimental! 
Thank you LORD. 
We would have paid it without hesitation, regardless, but what a blessing to have one less burden on our plate.

Let me say that God broke me down and is slowly building me back up. That is what it felt like when I found out what a Trans-abdominal Cerclage was. The tears, the anger, devastation overwhelmed me. Why couldn't I know then what I know now... 
WHY CAN'T I HAVE A SECOND CHANCE.

I'm taking this as my second chance. 

It's all very bitter-sweet, I say this as tears well up in my eyes.
It's tears of happiness and sadness.


Thank you for the prayers and encouragements. 
If I haven't thanked you personally 
-PLEASE-
know that your actions are seen and heard and felt.
You are all an important part of my story.



MY SURGERY IS SET FOR WED, AUG 26TH.





Be your own hero...

Thursday, August 6, 2015


Should be my new motto.

If words like cervix, transvaginal, uterus bother you- turn back now!

Who knew this journey would have so many medical terms and obstacles along the way...
This post is to educate and explain your options if you are a woman who may be in the same situation. 

Incompetent Cerivx, IC, weak cervix  etc... this is something that does not get enough exposure but nearly 1 in 100 pregnancies are lost each year due to some sort of IC. It's not commonly tested for, and I only know if this because I had a dear friend who lost a baby girl 3 years ago and if it happened to her, why couldn’t it happen to me? This was always in the forefront of my mind and that is what caused me to really monitor my body and say something when I did.

"Incompetent cervix is not routinely checked for during pregnancy and therefore is not usually diagnosed until after a second or third trimester miscarriage has occurred. Women can be evaluated before pregnancy, or in early pregnancy by ultrasound, if they have any of the factors that are potential causes of incompetent cervix. Diagnosis can be made by your physician though a pelvic exam or by an ultrasound. The ultrasound would be used to measure the cervical opening or the length of the cervix."
Because of there is lack of proactivity, woman have to suffer loss after loss before a solution is put in place.
THIS IS A PROBLEM.


Some Doctors encourage you to "just wait and see"
How many women would be ok with, "Lets wait and see if your body will hold your baby, or if it will go into labor too early to save your child"



If you're reading this chances are you have heard our story. 
According to the many conversations I've had with Drs I had preterm labor secondary to Incompetent cervix with Jax, Stella and Beck that ultimately sent me into preterm labor. My body was unable to hold the growing bodies of my babies, I started to dilate and thankfully I followed my instincts had my Dr check everything at 16 weeks. 
I saw the worry on his face and he sent me straight to the hospital where he preform an emergency cerclage(TVC) with only 1.5mm of cervix remaining to work with. (That's not a lot. At.all.)
By the time we realized all that was happening it was really too late... but we did all that we could do at that time. 

I can't begin to tell you how long those 2 hours felt, the fear, panic. 
I was sewn closed. 
He said I was my own hero that day. 
I stayed in the hospital a few days while they pumped me full of antibiotics and 
monitored how it was holding.

2 weeks later I funneled down to the stitch Jax's head was down, 
 "knocking at heavens doors". 
(I'm allowed some dark humor) 

This is worst case scenario at only 19 weeks. 
This is why multiples are so rare and so high risk.
Through everything I've researched and women I've talked to ...You can almost guarantee your going to have cervical complications carrying multiples. Preterm delivery is extremely common, your body thinks your further along than you are... but I had a few things working against me. 

All of this worth every second I had with them. They lit a fire in me and I'm determined to do everything I can to change the outcome for their siblings.

     I'd like to ask for prayers.
Prayers for a clear mind while we make a decision that can alter our family's future forever.

 we face a difficult, but life changing decision. 


We can use the TVC (transvaginal cerclage) -again- (technically)I don't think it failed me, but  I truly dd not have it long enough to find out and with a TVC you are on bed rest. However with a TAC (transadominal cerclage) they are placed much higher and it's *almost* impossible to funnel past the band or rupture membranes. This virtually guarantees I will make it full term, although anything can happen. 


I feel like I have no control over anything, but this is something I can do.

It's like a broken record in my head 'Could I have done more'...but now armed with knowledge, I can do more. They did not die in vain and I will do everything I can for them even though they are gone.

I need guidance on which to go with,
I've survived I'm surviving the loss of my first 3 babies- I can not do it again whether 1 2 or 3 again. 

Here is why the decision is more complicated than it seems- the TAC (transadominal) is a surgery. They cut you open like a csection, go around abdominal muscles and place the band at the highest point of your cervix. Once it is placed it's permanent. &You must have a c-section delivery. 
All terrifying for many reason.
But the possibility of losing another child is unbearable.

Did I mention there's only about 10 surgeons in the US that preform this procedure... leading surgeons are- #1 Dr.Haney in Chicago, #2 Dr. Davis in Tennessee. Neither are close to me. I could follow the trend- travel to Chicago and have the best surgeon place, but I located 2 highly recommended Drs in DFW. I meet with one tomorrow and the other Monday Aug. 17th.
I spoke directly with Dr. Haney and he is confident the TAC is the way to go, yes there are risk, there are always risk, but I am weighing my options.

 This decision is life changing and ultimately child saving. 


TVC is less invasion and successful around 80% of the time. They are removable and you can deliver naturally. This is what I had placed, and it held, but I funneled which is a concern- as the baby grows it presses on that stitch and it can possibly rip causing damage, or you may funnel past the stitch a that will cause premature rupture of membranes and preterm birth.

I hope if you are reading this you realize you have options. 
Trust your doctors, but ultimately you have to be willing to save yourself
Fight for what you want and search until you've found someone that will support you.

I have no idea what I plan to do at this point. I'm praying for clarity and comfort. I've had a lot of anxiety over this decision ever since I found out I have choices. When you read the facts- it's a pretty clear choice, TAC.

When Jax Stella and Beck were born so much blood was lost no one thought I would survive... facing a c-section scares me, and possible complications from the TAC and recovery, and so on. 


Our journey isn't easy, but it will be worth it.
Jax Stella and Beck's lives were not in vain they will save all their future siblings.
I only wish I could ave saved them. I promise I will not let them down. 


I plan on sharing this journey as well...
My procedure my recovery... and I hope beautiful things come from this.

All because of Jax Stella and Beck. They lit a fire in me no one can put out. 






3 Months

Sunday, August 2, 2015



"Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud. If you get to read that chapter in someone else's story, know that access to it is an honor. 
Sometimes the quiet parts carry the most treasure"



I never thought I would be so transparent. Believe it or not I'm actually quite a private person with anything personal, yes I'll always speak my opinions and beliefs but with personal matters I either hold it to myself or disclose to close friends and family. 

I'm happy Proud to share this Journey, it's really just about them. Not about me. I'm along for this ride. It's about me speaking their names, celebrating them, creating things for them, loving them.
I will never stop speaking their names. 

3 months ago,

I swaddled them up and said goodbye to their cold bodies, placed them in their baby casket. We snapped a few more photos, the only photos we would have of them. Forever frozen in time never to grow, never to walk. Beautiful little bodies photographed. Our most treasured possessions. 

We closed the lid and took them home. They didn't ride in a car seat, they rode in their baby casket in the back of our suburban we bought for them. This huge SUV is empty without them, 3 empty seats where their car seats should be. 

We brought them inside and sat the casket on our bed. I should have laid with them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them

I feel so close to them today. 
I want to reach out and pick them up again and I remember they are in the ground, across the yard, buried under a tree. 

It sickens me.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.
This month has been especially hard on me. As their due date approaches I find myself in a ball of emotions.

Confused...

Everything leads up to this one day.

For most people it will be here and gone, just another day. For me it will be finite.


Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.


Once again I ask myself is it easier?

          No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared. 

This is the only kind of mother I know how to be. 
I'm a puzzle with 3 missing pieces.



 The text, the calls, the support, the encouragement, the gifts, the care and just speaking their names... Thank you. 
This is not something to battle in silence and I am so blessed I don't have to! 
Thank you for riding this journey with me and allowing Jax, Stella, and Beck to enter your heart.





 
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