.

.

Pages

Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

They're here!

Monday, March 14, 2016


It's been a week!
What a week it has been.


I certainly didn't expect to goto my (32 week
appointment and then be told we are delivering TODAY!


I was sad and glad. Sad that I couldn't not get them further, but GLAD they would be soon be out and in my arms safe... I was starting to have anxiety everyday that something was going to happen.
We made it.  



WAITING...


Scrubbing in
Here comes Daddy!


More waiting...
Here we go... Major panic behind the smile.
Everyone was excited!  



And... they're coming... 


Hard work having 3 babies. I need a nap.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY!



Today they are one week old and are doing SO well.   They will be in the NICU for at least 3-4 weeks, they are all "Feeders/Growers", off oxygen, IVs and only having feeding tubes. They start to bottle feed this week. Another answered prayer, they are moving right along for being born early.



We are so impressed and PROUD. 


 Asher born at 6:01 PM  3lbs. 10oz

Aspen born at 6:02 PM  3lbs. 14oz



Cross at 6:02 PM.  2lbs. 15oz



Thanks for being apart of our journey. 
God is SO good.
Holding them is surreal
We have been abundantly blessed.








TAC Surgery day.

Sunday, August 30, 2015



There's nothing quite like the "empty sonogram" after a loss.
It's surprisingly painful and emotional. A lot of first...
Good news... everything looks good and procedure is about to start! 


I arrive at the hospital, get checked and they take me to my room to wait. The sterile, gloomy environment is too much and the tears start... another first... I'll admit I use to enjoy hospital stays, it's like a hotel, but better you lay in a bed and people take care of you!
Not after experiencing death. In this way. 

I wipe the tears away and I am brave.
As I am being wheeled into the OR to place my TAC I can't help but think about Jax, Stella and Beck. If only I could have saved them. If there was anyone who would do anything to go back in time, it's me. After losing them I threw myself into the whys- I came up with a million reasons and several were my own fault... I found peace finally. It was my body.

I don't  I Stopped blaming myself. I'm angry yes, could more have been done, maybe...  
Would they have still be born early... Probably.
I realize I can't control everything.

Two of my MOST favorite quotes. 
I'm no longer so focused on the fact my body failed me, and the "I wish I would've knowns" and all those other issues. I've made a decision to do all that I can do for anything that may happen in the future, It's not like I'm just left standing here with nothing; I'm armed with the knowledge and the resources and the fact that I can do this!

My complication potenically has a solution, and for that I am so thankful for. I am so thankful I went searching on the internet. I am so glad for the breakdown I had when I found out a TAC may have saved them... It helped me say YES I am doing this! Even thought it's too late to save them... It's another page turned in my story of healing.

The pain of losing Jax, Stella and back has pushed me to choose the most invasive procedure, but with the highest success rate. 

This procedure is life changing.
I can not trust my body so I have done all that I can do to help it. 
The dreams of having my triplets did not come true, 
but my dream of having a family and siblings for then will come true. 

Sometimes you have to be your own hero. 
You have to know what is good for you and go for it. 
No matter what anyone is telling you or what the medical books say... Go for it


I'm sore, uncomfortable and I've added a few more scars to my canvas,
 but this pain is nothing compare the hurt of loss. 

I don't care about anything that I have to endure as long as that means
 that I have a healthy family and that makes me feel like a mom.

I'm finally feeling almost back to normal and I have hope for the future and
 I'm bringing them with me.











We all have Secrets

Saturday, July 18, 2015





I still reach down and touch my stomach...
 Even thought it's empty I will never forget it was their home.

I still pin to their board on Pinterest.
I won't delete it, the type of "pins" have just changed... 

I look at their photos a few times a week, the only photos 
I'll ever have of them. I refresh my memory of their faces.

The videos too(I'm so grateful for recording the last sonogram I would have.)
Stella was being a Diva. I loved it.

I visit them once a day. I talk to them.

I say their names out loud to myself.
Over and over. 
Different orders Beck Jax Stella. Stella Beck Jax. Jax Stella Beck. 

I want to talk about them, all the time. So you can ask...

I search for everything in 3's.

When I see butterflies or cardinals I think of them. 

I am overwhelmed with envy with I hear a couple has healthy triplets, or higher multiples. 

I feel sick to my stomach when I see someone decorating a nursery in the same colors and patterns...

Yes, I sleep with their bears.



           I wrote a book about them for their future siblings.








I want to say THANK YOU to the moms that wanted to shared their "secrets".
 I hope this can be a looking glasses into our world. Our struggles and fears. 
I hope that this will help you be patient with us. 
Know that this is a life long journey and does not simply disappear after a few years... 
or even after another child.
Some of us may never heal, but we hope to find peace.


" "I dress my bear in her clothes"
"I swear I feel "phantom kicks" Just like when I was pregnant with her"
"I don't want to lose my tummy because I associate it with her [Ella Kate]"

"I have even gone as far as taking their [Cadyn Joseph, Adalyn Grace, Mikayla Michelle] shadow boxes off the wall and bringing them to the basement with me during tornado warnings"

"Four years out and my heart still secretly aches when I have tater tots or chocolate peanut butter milkshakes because those were the foods I craved when I was carrying my boys, Thomas & Nicholas. "


"Its been close to 12 years since my loss and I still think of them [Sydney & Sienna] every time I see a butterfly "

     "That I wish it was me who went and not them [Emma Lee, Chase David]."

"I secretly panic when I hear "boy girl twins""

"I feel sad when someone names their child their names, Jude or Brinly"





What no one tells you...
 Is the bond you have even after they are gone.
 They are not here, and will never return, 
but you hope to feel them around you. 




Surviving 2 months.

Thursday, July 2, 2015



I've survived 2 months.
2 months of them gone.
For 2 months my babies have been in Heaven.


It's sinking in that less than 3 months I would have been holding my 3 babies,
 small, healthy, tiny premies... but with the best odds.
Every hope. Every dream. Gone.


I only had 19 weeks with them. 
I can't remember how they felt like inside me. 
I wish I had enjoyed every moment of pregnancy,
                                     instead I spent those 19 weeks scared. 
Scared of exactly what happened.
I was robbed of my pregnancy, something we wanted so bad.
My excitement and joy was always blended with terror and anxiety. 


I'm so angry.





2 months later... I can tell you it's not 
any easier. 
There are more good days than bad days, 
but the bad are BAD. 
They sneak up and sometimes I can't catch my breath.
Sometimes the pain can last only a few minutes other times it can last a few hours,
 and then other times you're stuck in the cycle for a couple of days
 eventually you make it down the hill.








     -BUT-
I have Hope. Always.
Sometimes I ask "why" why God did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to meet them as beautiful as they were.

We were Blessed to have met them, 
and to have held them.



-Samone-


For better, for worse and the unimaginable.

Saturday, June 20, 2015



Our lives, marriage, and relationship is changed forever after the loss of our children.


My love for Jordan has grown in a way I can't even comprehend. 

Our journey has shown me traits in him that were there all along I was just too selfish to see. During our multiple stays in the hospital I was able to see just how much love and care he has for me. 

When I was in too much pain to ask for help or trying to be brave and in denial of what was happening he called for help, and made them contact our doctors. 
When I was suffering, the pain too much to bare, he was my voice screaming for pain medication to help me.

When I was lying there hooked up to blood, during my transfusions, vitals all over the place-  as soon as the bag would be empty, before the machine would beep to alert the nurse, he was already out there making sure they had more ready. 

{I got to witness how much he loves me, how well he can take of me, 
how hard he would fight for me.}

My life, my love will never be the same.
Our love is rare, it is special, and is unique. Some think they may have this kind of magic... but when you can feel it in times like this it's an extraordinary feeling. The feeling never really goes away once you experience it. I can't imagine living life without him. 
There is no one else I would want to go through this with. 

{He is so gentle and sensitive to my moods and feelings. 
Always concerned about me and my happiness.}

I only hope he knows I would have done the same for him.
Instead of being torn apart we have been brought together. 
Jax, Stella, and Beck changed us and TIED
 us together in ways like never before...
We are happy, optimistic and more in love than I could have ever thought possible.
Our babies came into our lives and left it far more satisfied. 
They are our light.

-Samone-


What is Strength?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

How are you so strong?




I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. 
I feel sad, weak, confused, bitter, angry.
I struggle getting out of bed, I struggle leaving the house, I struggle being around people

It's not a matter of being strong or looking strong- it's a matter of survival. 
You don't move on, you don't let go, you don't recover from this. You survive it, or maybe you learn to cope. I am no expert, but it seems you learn to survive this life in your own way because everything has changed.

I've lost 3 times over. 3 babies at once. 
Each of them would have had their 
own accomplishment and goals, 
I've lost all of it. 3 of everything.


You want so badly to live life the same day by day because you can't imagine moving on- you can imagine life not working out the way you thought it was...

You feel stuck in this rhythm of what you think is still going to happen, eventually you realize that has all changed and you now how to figure out where to go from there. 

So when you tell me I am brave or strong- you are so kind. And it does give me the nudge I might have needed in that moment, and the thought that I maybe I'm doing this right... That maybe I am strong and brave!

Truth is...
I DONT HAVE A CHOICE.

When I smile, laugh,  relax, do something for myself- it's all I can do to survive, that's what i am doing, surviving. In between my struggles day to day- I try to find the smiles, laughter and light.




-Samone-

Country roads.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015


I live in beautiful East Texas, near the famous first monday trade days most days out here it is quite, peaceful and sunny. When I leave the house I sometimes bring my camera with me. Sometimes I leave with a purpose other times it's just to leave the house, think to myself, listen to music, relax. Many times I will be driving down these country roads, look to my right, and see the most beautiful landscape. The light will be just right, shining through branches reflecting off of a leaf or a flower. Sunlight shining through the clouds over a huge pasture of green grass. 
An old barn patched up with rusty colorful tin.

These are the roads I drive down every day and if I just take the time to look around, I will see  
•it• 
a perfect picture made just for me, and In these moments you realize there is so much more to life. Slowing down, be still, breathe, it's beautiful. You realize quickly how insignificant material things are... Your brain won't allow social media to consume your mind and shut of your thoughts.
Nothing matters but the people around you, living, and being happy.


Sometimes you don't have to go looking for inspiration and hope, just wait and it will come to you.
•The most random things can be beautiful•


Keep moving forward.
As always -thank you thank you thank you- for your support.
Somedays I need it more than others, but it's ALWAYS an encouragement.


"I may have lost but I will gain again in time. 
In the darkest hours of night I remember my bravery.
When my eyes are blinded by tears I remember my beauty.
I am tougher than I think."

-Samone-





They Live in me

Friday, May 29, 2015



*Mind Blown*

I recently learned that Fetal cells can remain in mothers for years or decades after birth.
In fact, As far as we know these cell will multiply and divide for many decades, 
perhaps even forever!  
This is Called Microchimerism-
This occurs during pregnancy when cells from a fetus pass through the placenta 
and establish cell families within the mother.

Whoa. Pretty powerful.

A baby photo may melt your heart, but far more significant, in some cases these fetal cells have shown to improve health for moms and repair the blood.
 Studies have shown fetal cells can actually flock to the site of stroke damage. 
Incredible.


________________________________________________________________________________

Read for yourself the facts and a beautiful story:




_____________________________________________________________

Today I really needed to find a sign.
I'd say I think I did!

{"You live on in them, and they live on in you"}

My buddies from beginning till the end. 

So every single "type" of mother...
Let us all be comforted by the fact
They are literally a part of you, swimming around inside of you.




-Samone-

Back from vacation, & Today is a good day

Tuesday, May 26, 2015





This is our first day back from a weekend get-away with our {great} friends to 
Perdido Key , FL.
It's was beautiful, relaxing, and refreshing





It’s also the first day I haven’t laid in bed until 1pm -
 { except vacation… no one would allow that! }
Only thinking about what I could be doing or what needs to be done. 
Today the pain isn’t so paralyzing.
 The days seem to be getting slightly easier, not better, but brighter.
I still cry at least once a day, I'm not moving on... just becoming more optimistic.


 I am starting to enjoy this new chapter of being a “Stay at Home Wife”, 
or what my husband calls… "Trophy-wifein’.


I think about them, Jax Stella and Beck, everyday and that has not changed and I never want it to. Their lives are apart of our love story. They will be apart of their future brothers or sisters story… they will never be forgotten and will always be apart of this family, 
They just get to live far away in the clouds. 

I am starting to enjoy cooking again. I look forward to making dinner, and trying new ideas. I am doing laundry and dishes 
{which is a miracle and I know Jordan is THRILLED}

I am hoping this is an upward trend, and my motivation doesn't run dry.
Maybe tomorrow I will start going to Yoga again.



Today is a good day.



-Samone-








you think you know?




This kinda goes along with my "VENT" I posted recently. I'd like to "pretend" like I want to apologize for some of the negativity and my bad attitude, but SORRY NOT SORRY.

It's my right.
{Please understand that I so appreciate your effort to reach out and let me know you sympathize.}


Recently, two or three times, I've been told, "I know how you feel" "I've been here". I'm sure it not the last time I'll hear, but lets clear a few things up-


You know how I feel?

SO, you know what it feels like to be having triplets, one day everything be healthy and normal, and the next your fighting to keep them in your body. 
{You know what it's like to pray everyday to be the exception, not the rule.}
Terrified you may become a statistic, you don't want to be included in that portion of multiples that do not make it to viable birth age.

 You understand the fear of laying in a hospital bed after surgery hoping everything will stay stable for 20 more weeks. Listening to your OB and Specialist fight-it-out over what it best for me and the babies. 

You know the feeling of labor coming, and knowing your babies can not survive outside of you, nothing works to stop the one thing that CANNOT be happening!

You know what it's like to be told you almost did not make it through labor. It was very serious, they chose to save me, because without me the babies could not survive.
And I will never understand the trama my husband had to go through watching me give birth to our 3 babies knowing they would not survive if born... holding them alone. Me unconscious not knowing if I was going to be ok. 

That day he almost lost all 4 of us.


Most of all, can you fathom the emotional devestation of holding your 3 babies, that just 2 days before were healthy and growing, in your arms. Seeing their faces, features, watching your husband cry, feeling helpless, confused and angry. Then picking out a head stone for your children, wrapping them up together and placing them in their tiny baby casket, then burying their little bodies.

and if we needed, the cherry on top, the after effects of childbirth... 
the constant reminders of what you have gone through, and in the end you don't have your babies.

Everyday there is emptiness.

Yes you may be angry at your body just like I am, you may be angry at everyone that is happy and has their child. you may understand your own loss, the dream of what could have been- but you don't understand mine. you did not lose 3 miracles all at once- that were wanted SO badly.  The fullness that we felt immediately. The love we had, excitement ahead.
We will all face our own grief and we deal with it the best we can.



and if you still think you "know how i feel" "I've been here also" - Bless your heart. 
I'm here for you, if you need to talk. 



It's confusing, heartbreaking, and doesn't seem like reality most of the time.
{ I feel like I'm living half way between reality and a bad dream. }


The best thing I have been told, "I know what it's like to lose a child, but I don't know what it's like to lose babies... I can understand a little of what you are going though" 
*it was a breath of fresh air*


-Samone-











Why I write...




“Better to write for yourself and have no public,
 than to write for the public and have no self.”
-Cyril Connolly



I don't write to gain an audience, if someone stumbles across my public diary and it encourages them or shares awareness... then I have written well. I am not an english major... or even a great writer, I misuse punctuation and misspell words, but I write for the angels below now living above. They will be known and live in my words.


Jax, Stella and Beck 




Worth the Cost

Your life here on Earth
Was not meant to be,
But I don't regret the cost
of trying to bring you here with me.
Although I only held you briefly
Before they took you away from me.
It was worth every pain, every tear shed,
Because I treasure the love you inspired in me.



-Samone-

Their Memorial- May 9th, 2015

Friday, May 22, 2015


May 9th.

It hit me, that I needed to have a photographer capture this memory. I am a firm believer in,
 "you only regret the photos you don't take"
I wanted to remember what a beautiful day it was, our family and friends being there to support us, and THEM.


Sometimes I feel like a small part of my life is missing, like it never existed. 
That is terrifying. 

It doesn't seem real, like this could have happened. Maybe it is my mind blocking out the horrible thing that has happen to protect me mentally... but I know they were real, they were beautiful and worth everything. I would absolutely do it all over again, and again. Even if I get them for little awhile- I got them! I always want them to exist as much as they can without actually being here. 

{They are always my babies.}


My Favorite moment.
My mom suggested we do a butterfly release. 

On the wings of the tiniest earth angels,
may the spirit of those that we mourn today be remembered
and may this be the start of healing for all.


-Samone-


A beautiful gift of their first bibles. 2 blue, 1 pink of course!




Surrounded by love and support



Thank you Sidney *Green couch photography*

 
BLOGGER TEMPLATE BY DESIGNER BLOGS