What I have learned in 2015

Thursday, December 31, 2015

I would never say 2015 has been the "worst year", instead 2015 has been a hard year. 

It's been a year of blessings and then loss. 

I've learned to be grateful in the midst of grief. 
Joyful instead of angry. 
And to be hopeful not fearful.

What I have learned in 2015.

In my eyes the strongest, most beautiful women- mothers….

Are not ones who choose to breastfeed their child.
Are not the ones who choose a "natural" birth.
Are not even the ones who carried their own children for 9 mons.
Or the ones who hold many children in their arms.
Life can change too quickly to think you have it all "under control".

#1 LESSON: You have control over NOTHING.

They are the women and mothers who over came cancer, gave their lives in place of their child, 
or were left with a scarred body after a tradgic diagonisis. 
They gave and give everything they have left to their child.

They are the women who despite “ideal” genetics or situations chose to carry their 
high risk pregnanacy all the way to the end,
 As long as they could… or until their child was no longer with them.
They knew they might go through all this pain, being poked, scanned, 
drilled by doctor After doctor… not giving up
Then In some cases never leaving the hospital with their child.

They are the ones who could not carry a child in their bodies, but made a commitment to love one as if they did.

The ones who fought through all odds to TRY, but still feel that they failed. You didn’t fail. You are a hero.

 The ones who finally got their "wish" and it was taken.

Lets not be niave to think that everything in life is perfect.
That pregnancy is perfect, or that there is a right and wrong way to raise a child,
OR be a mother.

I can PROMISE you, don't mistake, It is those individuals the women, men, mothers, fathers who know the greatest loss and devastation
That love their children the deepest, in a completely uncomprendable way.

Those are the strongest in my eyes.
Some of us have already realized, and others are struggling right now… deeply…
Please know you DID get your miracle.

You are the MOTHER of ALL MOTHERS.
Keep fighting.

Sending you nothing but love into 2016.

ALL mothers are special,  all mothers are important and all mothers are beautiful.
And some have endure more than you'll ever comprehend.
Never assume you know someone's story.

If 2015 was difficult, just keep going. 
It might not get easier tomorrow... or next week, but it will become more bearable.    

And as for my little miracles. 

You are the greatest part of 2015, and your are the greatest part of everyday.
You are thought of. You're always mine.
"How beautiful it is to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard"

I'm "Back"

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

It's 6:30 am rainy, windy and I should be sleeping... 
But when the words come I write them down.

This blog has been at a stand still.

Every week I desperately want to write something, but it becomes a broken record... 
I miss them, I'm always thinking about them, why are they not here, and so on. 

I have however learned to find joy in the sadness.

I've learned how to find empowerment in tragedy, because despite how much you love your child, your will never be able to experience just how much until they are taken.
 Well I know that love.

While no one wants to know what it's like to no longer be able to hold your child,
it's shocking how immense the love actually is after loss.
It's special. It's beautiful. It's mine.
I'm Lucky...

TAC Surgery day.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

There's nothing quite like the "empty sonogram" after a loss.
It's surprisingly painful and emotional. A lot of first...
Good news... everything looks good and procedure is about to start! 

I arrive at the hospital, get checked and they take me to my room to wait. The sterile, gloomy environment is too much and the tears start... another first... I'll admit I use to enjoy hospital stays, it's like a hotel, but better you lay in a bed and people take care of you!
Not after experiencing death. In this way. 

I wipe the tears away and I am brave.
As I am being wheeled into the OR to place my TAC I can't help but think about Jax, Stella and Beck. If only I could have saved them. If there was anyone who would do anything to go back in time, it's me. After losing them I threw myself into the whys- I came up with a million reasons and several were my own fault... I found peace finally. It was my body.

I don't  I Stopped blaming myself. I'm angry yes, could more have been done, maybe...  
Would they have still be born early... Probably.
I realize I can't control everything.

Two of my MOST favorite quotes. 
I'm no longer so focused on the fact my body failed me, and the "I wish I would've knowns" and all those other issues. I've made a decision to do all that I can do for anything that may happen in the future, It's not like I'm just left standing here with nothing; I'm armed with the knowledge and the resources and the fact that I can do this!

My complication potenically has a solution, and for that I am so thankful for. I am so thankful I went searching on the internet. I am so glad for the breakdown I had when I found out a TAC may have saved them... It helped me say YES I am doing this! Even thought it's too late to save them... It's another page turned in my story of healing.

The pain of losing Jax, Stella and back has pushed me to choose the most invasive procedure, but with the highest success rate. 

This procedure is life changing.
I can not trust my body so I have done all that I can do to help it. 
The dreams of having my triplets did not come true, 
but my dream of having a family and siblings for then will come true. 

Sometimes you have to be your own hero. 
You have to know what is good for you and go for it. 
No matter what anyone is telling you or what the medical books say... Go for it

I'm sore, uncomfortable and I've added a few more scars to my canvas,
 but this pain is nothing compare the hurt of loss. 

I don't care about anything that I have to endure as long as that means
 that I have a healthy family and that makes me feel like a mom.

I'm finally feeling almost back to normal and I have hope for the future and
 I'm bringing them with me.

The girl with the butterfly tattoos.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

An older man noticed my tattoo the other day the first thing he asked was, why I chose monarchs? I knew it was about to get uncomfortable, (I vowed May 2,2015 to never back down on talking about them. The discomfort someone might experience is nothing compared to mine),  ... I told him anyways I paused then told him we did a monarch release at my triplets funeral in May and he immediately closed his eyes and just whispered I'm sorry. I said, no no it's OK I'm just glad that you asked. He told me that he used to collect butterflies and gave me some fun facts. A few moments later he said, I don't want to ruin your mascara or anything, but my grandson just tried to commit suicide a month ago, can I ask you how do you cope?

 (One of those moments you think, "I'm in the right spot at the right time")

His grandson was diagnosed with asburgers, and the family was concerned he would hurt someone else or himself- and wished they could have known to do more. I feel for him. You could easily see the love he has for his grandson, regardless of his diagnosis. He didn't want to lose him- but knew he would.

 So my answer- The first thought that came to mind was Jesus holding my triplets. I pause for a few seconds I had no idea what I was going to say, because really there isn't an answer to that question. I told him I guess you just find something positive and focus on it, and you also realize you don't have a choice. I focus on hope, and the future.

He smiled, speechless. 

I put my tattoo on my shoulder on purpose. It would be seen, They would be seen. You have those who judge people with tattoos and wonder why, or will they regret it? Absolutely not. There was a reason I wanted it right there- out in the open. Ever person that sees it, and if they happen to ask- is another breath of healing. 

I've always been someone who is adamant a tattoo should mean something or represent a memory.
This tattoo means the world to me and I was blessed when seeking out an artist I found Ryan Kirkland. He knew how much it meant to me. The time spent consulting and then tattooing this piece was such a smooth experience.  I'm grateful for his talents and attention to detail.

What I've learned- 
Do what you need to do & Be unapologetic about it. 
Some of the happiest people carry the heaviest load, we smile, we have to- because right under the surface we are shattered. We're hold it together just enough to appear normal.

Angels among us

Monday, August 17, 2015

This is just a little thank you, because I'll never be able to adequately show the amount of appreciation and gratitude I have for the many people who have reached out. (and continue)
Without you I'm not sure if I would be here.

"Some of my best friends I have never met in person. I know them only through Facebook, But that's ok- Friendship is not about touching the hand of another but rather it is touching their heart and should."

I am lucky enough to be surround by people of all ages, all walks of life that have sat with me, cried with me and talked with.  Have invited me to lunch, who've cooked & brought it to us.
Thank you. To the angels that sent cards and flowers, and to those who just kept us in their prayers.
Thank you. To those who are facing their own loss and found the strength to reach out... Thank you.
I joke I am getting so spoiled by this love... I may not recover.

The gifts given in their memory are my most favorite possessions
Every single one of them I will keep forever. 

Recently, The most incredible woman sent me a personalized gift (there were actually several bundled together).

The amount of time spent making this is absolutely unbelievable. I'm just, I'm speechless, I'm at a loss of words for what she has done for me, for what everyone has done. The most beautiful part- this lovely lady is not a friend that I talk to every day, we don't text, we don't call each other or hang out on the weekends, our paths crossed in high school and we have managed to stay in touch; Mostly by Facebook. But she is a woman who knows... she is one of the most creative and cutest women I have the pleasure of knowing. That is what makes this even more special to me.

She also has 2 young boys of her own that she took time away from to focus on me and mine, and created something just so personalized, and thought out. I was speechless. For weeks she would send me pictures teasing me daily of this beautiful project she was working on.

When I finally received it and held it in my hands I just didn't know what to do first. Tears flowed as I opened the box to everything Jax, Stella, and Beck- More happy tears than sad ones this time! I was overwhelmed. The pictures she has been sending over the past few weeks were a shadow compared to the final product. She did not let me down, she gave me hope, happiness, validation all at once.

I could spent hours reading and focusing the beautiful embellishments and verses. I love that she used some of my favorite quotes and added ones she knew would be appreciated.
In it I received a journaling bible that she has so beautifully started, a note pad for recording and remembering passages, inspiring notes, a handmade mug... it's a box full of art.

I don't need to speak her name because like she said,
"Let them bless you without giving recognition, because Jesus will give them recognition in Heaven and fill their crown with jewels!"

I show you these photos so you can share in the hope and healing I've gained from this. 
All of this giving has shown me that even the smallest gesture can have a HUGE impact... 
at a time when it's needed most.


"Sometimes there are stormy moments in your life when your friends do more than just walk with you; they become angels that carry you and protect you with their wings."

Medically Necessary, not experimental!

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Some people probably think I'm crazy, or worse, 
for being this open.

but I KNOW I am being helpful.
I will not apologize or be ashamed.

I would not be where I am right now without the help, research and knowledge of other woman who have been exactly where I am now. Their testimonies, their loses and their happiness after the darkest time in their life; reading their experiences gave me hope. When you've lost everything,
Hope is the ONLY thing you have to hold on to.

I announce the news of my surgery being covered by my insurance!
All my hospital visits, procedures, and their birth have led me to meet my deductibles and out-of-pockets for the year. (strange to be happy about that...)

They have approved this procedure as medically necessary, not experimental! 
Thank you LORD. 
We would have paid it without hesitation, regardless, but what a blessing to have one less burden on our plate.

Let me say that God broke me down and is slowly building me back up. That is what it felt like when I found out what a Trans-abdominal Cerclage was. The tears, the anger, devastation overwhelmed me. Why couldn't I know then what I know now... 

I'm taking this as my second chance. 

It's all very bitter-sweet, I say this as tears well up in my eyes.
It's tears of happiness and sadness.

Thank you for the prayers and encouragements. 
If I haven't thanked you personally 
know that your actions are seen and heard and felt.
You are all an important part of my story.


Be your own hero...

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Should be my new motto.

If words like cervix, transvaginal, uterus bother you- turn back now!

Who knew this journey would have so many medical terms and obstacles along the way...
This post is to educate and explain your options if you are a woman who may be in the same situation. 

Incompetent Cerivx, IC, weak cervix  etc... this is something that does not get enough exposure but nearly 1 in 100 pregnancies are lost each year due to some sort of IC. It's not commonly tested for, and I only know if this because I had a dear friend who lost a baby girl 3 years ago and if it happened to her, why couldn’t it happen to me? This was always in the forefront of my mind and that is what caused me to really monitor my body and say something when I did.

"Incompetent cervix is not routinely checked for during pregnancy and therefore is not usually diagnosed until after a second or third trimester miscarriage has occurred. Women can be evaluated before pregnancy, or in early pregnancy by ultrasound, if they have any of the factors that are potential causes of incompetent cervix. Diagnosis can be made by your physician though a pelvic exam or by an ultrasound. The ultrasound would be used to measure the cervical opening or the length of the cervix."
Because of there is lack of proactivity, woman have to suffer loss after loss before a solution is put in place.

Some Doctors encourage you to "just wait and see"
How many women would be ok with, "Lets wait and see if your body will hold your baby, or if it will go into labor too early to save your child"

If you're reading this chances are you have heard our story. 
According to the many conversations I've had with Drs I had preterm labor secondary to Incompetent cervix with Jax, Stella and Beck that ultimately sent me into preterm labor. My body was unable to hold the growing bodies of my babies, I started to dilate and thankfully I followed my instincts had my Dr check everything at 16 weeks. 
I saw the worry on his face and he sent me straight to the hospital where he preform an emergency cerclage(TVC) with only 1.5mm of cervix remaining to work with. (That's not a lot. At.all.)
By the time we realized all that was happening it was really too late... but we did all that we could do at that time. 

I can't begin to tell you how long those 2 hours felt, the fear, panic. 
I was sewn closed. 
He said I was my own hero that day. 
I stayed in the hospital a few days while they pumped me full of antibiotics and 
monitored how it was holding.

2 weeks later I funneled down to the stitch Jax's head was down, 
 "knocking at heavens doors". 
(I'm allowed some dark humor) 

This is worst case scenario at only 19 weeks. 
This is why multiples are so rare and so high risk.
Through everything I've researched and women I've talked to ...You can almost guarantee your going to have cervical complications carrying multiples. Preterm delivery is extremely common, your body thinks your further along than you are... but I had a few things working against me. 

All of this worth every second I had with them. They lit a fire in me and I'm determined to do everything I can to change the outcome for their siblings.

     I'd like to ask for prayers.
Prayers for a clear mind while we make a decision that can alter our family's future forever.

 we face a difficult, but life changing decision. 

We can use the TVC (transvaginal cerclage) -again- (technically)I don't think it failed me, but  I truly dd not have it long enough to find out and with a TVC you are on bed rest. However with a TAC (transadominal cerclage) they are placed much higher and it's *almost* impossible to funnel past the band or rupture membranes. This virtually guarantees I will make it full term, although anything can happen. 

I feel like I have no control over anything, but this is something I can do.

It's like a broken record in my head 'Could I have done more'...but now armed with knowledge, I can do more. They did not die in vain and I will do everything I can for them even though they are gone.

I need guidance on which to go with,
I've survived I'm surviving the loss of my first 3 babies- I can not do it again whether 1 2 or 3 again. 

Here is why the decision is more complicated than it seems- the TAC (transadominal) is a surgery. They cut you open like a csection, go around abdominal muscles and place the band at the highest point of your cervix. Once it is placed it's permanent. &You must have a c-section delivery. 
All terrifying for many reason.
But the possibility of losing another child is unbearable.

Did I mention there's only about 10 surgeons in the US that preform this procedure... leading surgeons are- #1 Dr.Haney in Chicago, #2 Dr. Davis in Tennessee. Neither are close to me. I could follow the trend- travel to Chicago and have the best surgeon place, but I located 2 highly recommended Drs in DFW. I meet with one tomorrow and the other Monday Aug. 17th.
I spoke directly with Dr. Haney and he is confident the TAC is the way to go, yes there are risk, there are always risk, but I am weighing my options.

 This decision is life changing and ultimately child saving. 

TVC is less invasion and successful around 80% of the time. They are removable and you can deliver naturally. This is what I had placed, and it held, but I funneled which is a concern- as the baby grows it presses on that stitch and it can possibly rip causing damage, or you may funnel past the stitch a that will cause premature rupture of membranes and preterm birth.

I hope if you are reading this you realize you have options. 
Trust your doctors, but ultimately you have to be willing to save yourself
Fight for what you want and search until you've found someone that will support you.

I have no idea what I plan to do at this point. I'm praying for clarity and comfort. I've had a lot of anxiety over this decision ever since I found out I have choices. When you read the facts- it's a pretty clear choice, TAC.

When Jax Stella and Beck were born so much blood was lost no one thought I would survive... facing a c-section scares me, and possible complications from the TAC and recovery, and so on. 

Our journey isn't easy, but it will be worth it.
Jax Stella and Beck's lives were not in vain they will save all their future siblings.
I only wish I could ave saved them. I promise I will not let them down. 

I plan on sharing this journey as well...
My procedure my recovery... and I hope beautiful things come from this.

All because of Jax Stella and Beck. They lit a fire in me no one can put out. 

3 Months

Sunday, August 2, 2015

"Everybody has a chapter they don't read aloud. If you get to read that chapter in someone else's story, know that access to it is an honor. 
Sometimes the quiet parts carry the most treasure"

I never thought I would be so transparent. Believe it or not I'm actually quite a private person with anything personal, yes I'll always speak my opinions and beliefs but with personal matters I either hold it to myself or disclose to close friends and family. 

I'm happy Proud to share this Journey, it's really just about them. Not about me. I'm along for this ride. It's about me speaking their names, celebrating them, creating things for them, loving them.
I will never stop speaking their names. 

3 months ago,

I swaddled them up and said goodbye to their cold bodies, placed them in their baby casket. We snapped a few more photos, the only photos we would have of them. Forever frozen in time never to grow, never to walk. Beautiful little bodies photographed. Our most treasured possessions. 

We closed the lid and took them home. They didn't ride in a car seat, they rode in their baby casket in the back of our suburban we bought for them. This huge SUV is empty without them, 3 empty seats where their car seats should be. 

We brought them inside and sat the casket on our bed. I should have laid with them.
I wish I would have curled up next to their casket and just held it and them

I feel so close to them today. 
I want to reach out and pick them up again and I remember they are in the ground, across the yard, buried under a tree. 

It sickens me.
I don't want to believe it's been 3 months.
This month has been especially hard on me. As their due date approaches I find myself in a ball of emotions.


Everything leads up to this one day.

For most people it will be here and gone, just another day. For me it will be finite.

Next month will be the most difficult, I am sure of this.

Once again I ask myself is it easier?

          No, it hasn't gotten easier, I still transcend from denial to anger and if I'm lucky I find a little hope. Every month, every day, I find something new to work through. There are many facets to grief and this type of grief is the stuff nightmare are made of. It's proven to be a difficult balance between mourning my 3 babies, and staying hopeful for future siblings. I expect it to be difficult to realize when we are pregnant again, that it's not Jax Stella or Beck- it's a new baby, a different baby(babies). One that I will get to know in a completely different way, I am scared. 

This is the only kind of mother I know how to be. 
I'm a puzzle with 3 missing pieces.

 The text, the calls, the support, the encouragement, the gifts, the care and just speaking their names... Thank you. 
This is not something to battle in silence and I am so blessed I don't have to! 
Thank you for riding this journey with me and allowing Jax, Stella, and Beck to enter your heart.

Life after Loss...

Tuesday, July 28, 2015


With each day comes a new challenges. 
A new dilemma I have to figure out how to navigate

Like the time between then and now. The time makes them feel further away. & I find way to reel them back in. 

I have to learn ways I can remember them and have them as a part of my life without being on the verge of tears everyday. 

I'm learning to be their mom, relating to moms, even though I only knew them 19 weeks.
This is challenging. 

Having hope for the future and happiness for the present,
Is by far the most delicate and difficult balance. 

The most challenge obstacle is dealing with people who don't understand, or don't care. I like to think everyone cares... How can they not. Truth is to the outside world 3 babies died at 19 weeks, and yes it is sad. But they did not know them, they had no bond, But to me my future died with them. 

The littlest loves of my life are buried under a tree.

I am 26, I've lost my first and only children, I have to live without them for the rest of my life, a constant missing piece. 

Learning how to navigate the never ending announcements of pregnancy and new births.
I take a kick to the gut every.single.time.
It brings me to my knees and have to rebuild myself.

To me my world has stopped. It has died. My passion, my drive, my dreams have died with them. I struggle to find a purpose.  My life has stopped... while everyone else around me keeps moving forward.

 One day I'm sure I'll have it all back but for today I am empty, I am sad, anxious, I'm a shell. 
Old me is gone, new me is trying to figure out who I am.

 IF you haven't walked this you will NEVER come close to the heaviness we carry.