Would Not knowing what it's like to be their mom make my life "easier"?

Not having known my children would mean I wouldn't miss them every second of every day.

 I wouldn't have to look into the future and realize they will [forever] be missing. 

Missing from family photos... Holidays... Birthdays...

I wouldn't have to face the fact I'll never see any of their milestones. First steps, words, graduation, weddings. 

Big or small.

I wouldn't have my heart shatter at the silence that should be full of their cries and laughter. 

The words "I love you mommy" wouldn't be missed and longed for. 

I wouldn't be suffocating in tears every time I realize this is real, they are not coming back, I can't wake up, I don't have a second chance. 

I wouldn't have to feel the heartache, have reason for the gallons of tears, I wouldn't have puffy eyes and dark circles, & I wouldn't be a mess.

I would be blissfully ignorant. 

Pregnancy did not happen easy for us.

It took years, it took praying, it took crying and begging.

Then, like a miracle, my cries were heard, prayers answered and the wait was over.

Then overnight gone. 

Is ignorance bliss? 

No.

 As painful as every second and everyday will be, no matter how many tears I cry and no matter how many children I go on to have.  They are my unique gift not many get. 

They are apart of my story and, they are, my favorite chapter and also my most tragic.  

I will talk about them, celebrate them, cry about them.

I can't see them but if I quiet my aching heart I may feel them.

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief.
But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared 
with the pain of never risking love.” 
- Hilary Stanton Zunin 

Surviving 2 months.

I've survived 2 months.

2 months of them gone.

For 2 months my babies have been in Heaven.

It's sinking in that less than 3 months I would have been holding my 3 babies,
 small, healthy, tiny premies... but with the best odds.

Every hope. Every dream. Gone.

I only had 19 weeks with them. 

I can't remember how they felt like inside me. 

I wish I had enjoyed every moment of pregnancy,

                                     instead I spent those 19 weeks scared. 

Scared of exactly what happened.

I was robbed of my pregnancy, something we wanted so bad.

My excitement and joy was always blended with terror and anxiety. 

I'm so angry.

2 months later... I can tell you it's not 

any easier. 

There are more good days than bad days, 

but the bad are BAD. 

They sneak up and sometimes I can't catch my breath.

Sometimes the pain can last only a few minutes other times it can last a few hours,

 and then other times you're stuck in the cycle for a couple of days

 eventually you make it down the hill.

     -BUT-

I have Hope. Always.

Sometimes I ask "why" why God did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to meet them as beautiful as they were.

We were Blessed to have met them, 

and to have held them.

-Samone-

From hope to hopeless and back again...

Grief is a series of peaks and valleys.

Many good days and many bad, they come out of no where.

This week have been a valley.

I'm not sure why some hours, days and weeks are easier than others, but it's a constant ride.

Today I would have been 26 weeks, and while I can not live in the past, 
I also can't forget.
There are lots of mini goals we set throughout this pregnancy.
The further along we got the better off we would be.
I wouldn't find out.

My bad week had a few bright moments.

I reached out to an Artist who sculpts for a living.

Her sculptures are beautiful and personal. 

She offers all types, custom, or ready to ship.

She has a special place for grieving families, and offers beautiful keepsakes.
Whatever you want she can work with you to create your vision.
Her store is called "The Midnight Orange", her name is Dana.
I contacted her wanting more information on what would represent my family.
She had so many great ideas and during the conversation she said she would like to send me something... when she sent me the photo I nearly hyperventilated.

She said she had made it a few months ago, but never listed it in her Etsy store.
When we were discussing design (monarch wings, triplets...) she knew she had something special, meant for me. It's a charm that can be worn on a chain, or I may make it into an ornament for our tree... the holidays are going to very different this year. I'm not prepared to even think about that.

I took it as a sign. A gift from above, it touched my heart.

But thats not all...
Have you heard of "Molly Bears"? Molly was born still to mother Bridget, who created this AMAZING organization. It gives moms who have lost a chance to hold their babies again... These bears are perfectly weighed to the specification of your babies birth weight. A way to hold your baby, to feel them in your arms. I can tell you first hand how important this is. The ache you feel starts in your heart and takes over your whole body. 
You feel anger and overwhelming devastation.

They use to be free, but over the years (unfortunatly) the demand has rose as her work travelled around the community. These bears are sewn by volunteers... they are non profit. The cost are high and they do this to help families... Once a month they open the request form, with a $20 donation you are added and your bear starts to be produced. It can take a few months to receive this special gift. The total cost of making one bear, is just under $50. They work hard to customize these bears to help you memorialize your child, or children. 

     Dana is good friends with Bridget I had mention Molly Bears to Dana how I thought that was an extraordinary idea and hoped to get my own when I could then I received a message back from, Dana, the artist at "The midnight orange", she had contacted Bridget and wanted sponsored 3 bears for me. I nearly fainted... Seriously?

I will feel them in my arms again. I can cuddle them and hold them.

These incredible humans. They do not know me, only my story and have offered their time, and their work to help me heal. Im speechless and in awe of their hearts.

 God is good.

Someone is looking out for me.

-Samone-

Everyone who has been there, friends, family, strangers, your so precious.

You can not get through this without help. We are healing because of you.

A Letter to my husband

"A Father is not defined by the number of children you see,

 but the amount of love that he holds in his heart" 

To My Grieving husband on Father's Day,

      

     It seems the worst things happen to the best people. You are the most incredible, kind, giving, selfless person I’ve ever met, how I got so lucky I’ll never know. Watching you go through this is heartbreaking. 

{You are STRONG. You are a ROCK. You are a MAN. You are MINE.}

Thank you for being strong enough to cry and share your emotions and fears. Thank you for trusting me with your heart, I treasure it. 

  

 Thank you for working without complaining, even when you are having a bad day and need time to yourself. You've somehow manage to provide more than enough support for both of us, and allowed me to grieve on my own time. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. 

Thank you for putting up with my moods, selfishness, emotions... I know that I am not always easy to deal with. I am emotional, especially this past month. I can be selfish, demanding and angry. You let it all the roll off your back and just hug me. 

{You are an example of what a man IS and should be.}

                                                                                                                     Jordan Holding Jax, our first born.

Aside from giving me my greatest gift, Our Triplets, you've given me my second greatest gift- the freedom to do what I love, whatever that might be. You support us so I can figure out what my passion is. You refuse to let me settle. No more working late nights, dealing with stress and fixing other peoples mistakes...

 You've given me the chance to find MY  calling and go for it.   

You believe in me more than I believe in myself.

-Your Wife-

Happy Fathers Day.
You are the most deserving father.

What is Strength?

How are you so strong?

I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. 

I feel sad, weak, confused, bitter, angry.

I struggle getting out of bed, I struggle leaving the house, I struggle being around people

It's not a matter of being strong or looking strong- it's a matter of survival. 

You don't move on, you don't let go, you don't recover from this. You survive it, or maybe you learn to cope. I am no expert, but it seems you learn to survive this life in your own way because everything has changed.

I've lost 3 times over. 3 babies at once. 

Each of them would have had their 

own accomplishment and goals, 

I've lost all of it. 3 of everything.

You want so badly to live life the same day by day because you can't imagine moving on- you can imagine life not working out the way you thought it was...

You feel stuck in this rhythm of what you think is still going to happen, eventually you realize that has all changed and you now how to figure out where to go from there. 

So when you tell me I am brave or strong- you are so kind. And it does give me the nudge I might have needed in that moment, and the thought that I maybe I'm doing this right... That maybe I am strong and brave!

Truth is...
I DONT HAVE A CHOICE.

When I smile, laugh,  relax, do something for myself- it's all I can do to survive, that's what i am doing, surviving. In between my struggles day to day- I try to find the smiles, laughter and light.




-Samone-

Country roads.

I live in beautiful East Texas, near the famous first monday trade days most days out here it is quite, peaceful and sunny. When I leave the house I sometimes bring my camera with me. Sometimes I leave with a purpose other times it's just to leave the house, think to myself, listen to music, relax. Many times I will be driving down these country roads, look to my right, and see the most beautiful landscape. The light will be just right, shining through branches reflecting off of a leaf or a flower. Sunlight shining through the clouds over a huge pasture of green grass. 

An old barn patched up with rusty colorful tin.

These are the roads I drive down every day and if I just take the time to look around, I will see  

•it• 

a perfect picture made just for me, and In these moments you realize there is so much more to life. Slowing down, be still, breathe, it's beautiful. You realize quickly how insignificant material things are... Your brain won't allow social media to consume your mind and shut of your thoughts.
Nothing matters but the people around you, living, and being happy.

Sometimes you don't have to go looking for inspiration and hope, just wait and it will come to you.

•The most random things can be beautiful•

Keep moving forward.

As always -thank you thank you thank you- for your support.

Somedays I need it more than others, but it's ALWAYS an encouragement.

"I may have lost but I will gain again in time. 

In the darkest hours of night I remember my bravery.

When my eyes are blinded by tears I remember my beauty.

I am tougher than I think."

-Samone-

One month...

Month 1 of the rest of my life without them.

I heard that you never 
:get over the loss: or :move on:
 -you learn how to survive it.
How am I? Surviving!

I am still hoping I am going to wake up...

The past 4 days have been shockingly rough... 

Last Tuesday we were back from vacation and I was in good spirits- 

motivated, smiling, optimistic- it all went down hill from there...

the rest of the week I was tired, sluggish, uninterested in anything. My follow up appt. was approaching and I think I was dreading the possibility of resurfaced feelings- 

that were already still so fresh, 

and to be back there seemed unreal.

                                                

I had my follow up with my doctor on Monday (yesterday). The pain of walking into that office, no longer pregnant, and there for a very different reason triggered tears, disappointment, anger and worry. I was having anxiety the day and night before...I was stuck replaying the slide show of the past 5 months over and over. I wondered what would we discuss, how would we interact, would it be awkward, or comfortable.

It's similar to the night before their memorial. The build up was worst than the actual day. The gash you've tried to seal up gets ripped open-and you have to start over. You prepared for the worse. Your feelings, crying in front of people (which can quickly make them uncomfortable and confused on how to help). I me not knowing how to respond to the typical- I'm sorry-.

During the visit my Doctor, who I feel is more of a friend than my doctor, talked about them, talked about the birth, what I remember and what I don't, he mentioned it being a small miricale I went into shock when I did. An event like that is something you won't want to have to remember. We talked about how I was doing,

 Jordan and I's relationship. 

(Statistics are sadly high for divorce after loss of a child)  

and then we got to talk about our future plans. 

Of course tears flowed a few times and but it turned out to be a relief, and very comforting. There are fears and questions, but there is hope. 

After the appt. I went to lunch with my mom, who attended the appt with me, it made this day a lot better than it could have turned out! It's been good to have the company of others to distract, comfort and share laughter. 

People that understand. That feel what you feel. 
Some days I just can't leave the house, but the times I do I mostly enjoy myself. I get overwhelmed quickly and easily triggered, but you can't allow yourself to get stuck in your comfort zone. If I allow myself too much time alone thinking... I start to spiral into sadness and what-ifs.

 I love my story. As much as I feel defeated some days, devastated... like I can't go on- I am proud of this life. I might not have my perfect ending, but this is only one chapter in my book. Probably my favorite chapter, and I would never rewrite it or delete it.
 I love them and they are mine. 
Always a part of me.

I decorated Jax, Stella and Beck's grave.

I am so grateful to have them close by.

I drove to Dallas to take care of plans for a future dedication to my babies.

It went perfectly and I am SO looking forward to the next step in healing.

Yesterday was surprisingly OK and so was today. 

I am currently content. 

-Samone-