"A Father is not defined by the number of children you see,

 but the amount of love that he holds in his heart" 

To My Grieving husband on Father's Day,

      

     It seems the worst things happen to the best people. You are the most incredible, kind, giving, selfless person I’ve ever met, how I got so lucky I’ll never know. Watching you go through this is heartbreaking. 

{You are STRONG. You are a ROCK. You are a MAN. You are MINE.}

Thank you for being strong enough to cry and share your emotions and fears. Thank you for trusting me with your heart, I treasure it. 

  

 Thank you for working without complaining, even when you are having a bad day and need time to yourself. You've somehow manage to provide more than enough support for both of us, and allowed me to grieve on my own time. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. 

Thank you for putting up with my moods, selfishness, emotions... I know that I am not always easy to deal with. I am emotional, especially this past month. I can be selfish, demanding and angry. You let it all the roll off your back and just hug me. 

{You are an example of what a man IS and should be.}

                                                                                                                     Jordan Holding Jax, our first born.

Aside from giving me my greatest gift, Our Triplets, you've given me my second greatest gift- the freedom to do what I love, whatever that might be. You support us so I can figure out what my passion is. You refuse to let me settle. No more working late nights, dealing with stress and fixing other peoples mistakes...

 You've given me the chance to find MY  calling and go for it.   

You believe in me more than I believe in myself.

-Your Wife-

Happy Fathers Day.
You are the most deserving father.

For better, for worse and the unimaginable.

Our lives, marriage, and relationship is changed forever after the loss of our children.

My love for Jordan has grown in a way I can't even comprehend. 

Our journey has shown me traits in him that were there all along I was just too selfish to see. During our multiple stays in the hospital I was able to see just how much love and care he has for me. 

When I was in too much pain to ask for help or trying to be brave and in denial of what was happening he called for help, and made them contact our doctors. 

When I was suffering, the pain too much to bare, he was my voice screaming for pain medication to help me.

When I was lying there hooked up to blood, during my transfusions, vitals all over the place-  as soon as the bag would be empty, before the machine would beep to alert the nurse, he was already out there making sure they had more ready. 

{I got to witness how much he loves me, how well he can take of me, 

how hard he would fight for me.}

My life, my love will never be the same.

Our love is rare, it is special, and is unique. Some think they may have this kind of magic... but when you can feel it in times like this it's an extraordinary feeling. The feeling never really goes away once you experience it. I can't imagine living life without him. 

There is no one else I would want to go through this with. 

{He is so gentle and sensitive to my moods and feelings. 

Always concerned about me and my happiness.}

I only hope he knows I would have done the same for him.

Instead of being torn apart we have been brought together. 

Jax, Stella, and Beck changed us and TIED
 us together in ways like never before...

We are happy, optimistic and more in love than I could have ever thought possible.

Our babies came into our lives and left it far more satisfied. 

They are our light.

-Samone-

What is Strength?

How are you so strong?

I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. 

I feel sad, weak, confused, bitter, angry.

I struggle getting out of bed, I struggle leaving the house, I struggle being around people

It's not a matter of being strong or looking strong- it's a matter of survival. 

You don't move on, you don't let go, you don't recover from this. You survive it, or maybe you learn to cope. I am no expert, but it seems you learn to survive this life in your own way because everything has changed.

I've lost 3 times over. 3 babies at once. 

Each of them would have had their 

own accomplishment and goals, 

I've lost all of it. 3 of everything.

You want so badly to live life the same day by day because you can't imagine moving on- you can imagine life not working out the way you thought it was...

You feel stuck in this rhythm of what you think is still going to happen, eventually you realize that has all changed and you now how to figure out where to go from there. 

So when you tell me I am brave or strong- you are so kind. And it does give me the nudge I might have needed in that moment, and the thought that I maybe I'm doing this right... That maybe I am strong and brave!

Truth is...
I DONT HAVE A CHOICE.

When I smile, laugh,  relax, do something for myself- it's all I can do to survive, that's what i am doing, surviving. In between my struggles day to day- I try to find the smiles, laughter and light.




-Samone-

One month...

Month 1 of the rest of my life without them.

I heard that you never 
:get over the loss: or :move on:
 -you learn how to survive it.
How am I? Surviving!

I am still hoping I am going to wake up...

The past 4 days have been shockingly rough... 

Last Tuesday we were back from vacation and I was in good spirits- 

motivated, smiling, optimistic- it all went down hill from there...

the rest of the week I was tired, sluggish, uninterested in anything. My follow up appt. was approaching and I think I was dreading the possibility of resurfaced feelings- 

that were already still so fresh, 

and to be back there seemed unreal.

                                                

I had my follow up with my doctor on Monday (yesterday). The pain of walking into that office, no longer pregnant, and there for a very different reason triggered tears, disappointment, anger and worry. I was having anxiety the day and night before...I was stuck replaying the slide show of the past 5 months over and over. I wondered what would we discuss, how would we interact, would it be awkward, or comfortable.

It's similar to the night before their memorial. The build up was worst than the actual day. The gash you've tried to seal up gets ripped open-and you have to start over. You prepared for the worse. Your feelings, crying in front of people (which can quickly make them uncomfortable and confused on how to help). I me not knowing how to respond to the typical- I'm sorry-.

During the visit my Doctor, who I feel is more of a friend than my doctor, talked about them, talked about the birth, what I remember and what I don't, he mentioned it being a small miricale I went into shock when I did. An event like that is something you won't want to have to remember. We talked about how I was doing,

 Jordan and I's relationship. 

(Statistics are sadly high for divorce after loss of a child)  

and then we got to talk about our future plans. 

Of course tears flowed a few times and but it turned out to be a relief, and very comforting. There are fears and questions, but there is hope. 

After the appt. I went to lunch with my mom, who attended the appt with me, it made this day a lot better than it could have turned out! It's been good to have the company of others to distract, comfort and share laughter. 

People that understand. That feel what you feel. 
Some days I just can't leave the house, but the times I do I mostly enjoy myself. I get overwhelmed quickly and easily triggered, but you can't allow yourself to get stuck in your comfort zone. If I allow myself too much time alone thinking... I start to spiral into sadness and what-ifs.

 I love my story. As much as I feel defeated some days, devastated... like I can't go on- I am proud of this life. I might not have my perfect ending, but this is only one chapter in my book. Probably my favorite chapter, and I would never rewrite it or delete it.
 I love them and they are mine. 
Always a part of me.

I decorated Jax, Stella and Beck's grave.

I am so grateful to have them close by.

I drove to Dallas to take care of plans for a future dedication to my babies.

It went perfectly and I am SO looking forward to the next step in healing.

Yesterday was surprisingly OK and so was today. 

I am currently content. 

-Samone-

TRIPLETS, High Order multiples STATS

Most people do not know or understand the risk involved with twins, triplets and other high order multiples...  It's not all rainbows and butterflies. The families you see on TV are the RARE except to the rules... they are not the rule. They may have had access to extremely technologically advanced facilities, or doctors that have done this a million times. 

Even with all that on your side... failure could be just right around the corner.

Even a singleton pregnancy has many risk. 
Lets multiply those risk x3.
Having major risk makes you look at others peoples pregnancies with a different view. You will never appreciate your perfectly healthy pregnancy-Until the unthinkable happens to you, you will never see how lucky you are. Your morning sickness you complain about is nothing. Your back pains are nothing. Your headaches, your extra weight, how huge you are... all your complaints are nothing. Keep in mind all the woman who can not get pregnant, struggling to get pregnant or can not stay pregnant next time you decide to complain about one of your petty problems.
When your 40 weeks pregnant complaining you want the baby out...
Instead be grateful.

{back to multiples}

Be prepared. 

The entire time I had a "feeling" this was too good to be true. 

{some think we were crazy to be having triplets,

 It wasn't chosen... it was given to us.}

 I tried so hard to be excited and stay positive. I really did not want to purchase anything until after 26 weeks (even then they babies would face many weeks in the NICU and struggle .. but they had a chance). I was very stand offish when I would talk about "what we needed". I tried not to buy too much stuff, tried not to talk to much about how excited we were. Everything was going well, growing, I was healthy, strong heartbeats...I had no reason to be worried... until the past month. My body started to fail me.
When you carry multiples you grow much faster, meaning there is more weight pressing down much earlier than a singleton pregnancy.    

My feeling was right and devastation is an understatement. 

_______________________________________________
THE FACTS:

Although there are many joys for these families, far less well know are the higher risks for the mothers and babies. Prematurity and low birth weight are the main reason for increased mortality and disability for these children. 

Sadly, much of these pregnancies involve losing one or all babies, or caring for one or more children with cerebral palsy and other health and developmental problems.  

Complications:

Preterm Birth

Preterm labor and birth pose the greatest risk to a multiple pregnancy. Sixty percent of multiples are born prematurely (<37 weeks) compared to about 10% of singleton pregnancies. Feasibility of a vaginal delivery depends on the size, position, and health of the infants, as well as the size and shape of the mother’s pelvic bones. Cesarean section is often needed for twin pregnancies and is expected for delivery of triplets.

The chance of preterm delivery at 24 to 32 weeks is about one per cent in singleton pregnancies, five per cent in twins, 20 per cent in triplets and 10 per cent in triplets reduced to twins.

"Selective" REDUCTION:

Lets talk abut the fact you are asked to basically abort some of your babies. You are encourage out of the best interest for yourself and your pregnancy to reduce down to either singleton or twins.
I refused, and absolutely have no regrets. It was all or nothing...

In the management of multifetal pregnancies there are three options: 

• Continuing with the whole pregnancy 

• Termination of the whole pregnancy 

• Embryo reduction to twins

Maternal Complications:

• postpartum hemorrhage
• preeclampsia 
• HELLP (hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, and low platelets) syndrome
• intraventricular hemorrhage
•  The perinatal mortality was 41 per 1000. (Death few weeks before or after birth)

I was shocked by that number...

________________________________________________________________________________________________

This is only a small glimpse of what we deal with, what we face and what we agree to when we embark on such an emotional journey.

{There is lifelong heart break and lifelong suffering which is so often underestimated or forgotten by professionals and the public.}

I don't know why we were chosen for this pain and others are not. 
That is the one question I keep asking. Some woman can have 2,3,4,5,6 babies, ok even 8- at one time. Why could I not carry mine?
I should stop asking because I'll never know... and what benefit would it be to me if I did get my answer. 
I can not change what has already happen.  
-and that is the key.

-Samone-

Back from vacation, & Today is a good day

This is our first day back from a weekend get-away with our {great} friends to 

Perdido Key , FL.

It's was beautiful, relaxing, and refreshing

It’s also the first day I haven’t laid in bed until 1pm -

 { except vacation… no one would allow that! }

Only thinking about what I could be doing or what needs to be done. 

Today the pain isn’t so paralyzing.

 The days seem to be getting slightly easier, not better, but brighter.

I still cry at least once a day, I'm not moving on... just becoming more optimistic.

 I am starting to enjoy this new chapter of being a “Stay at Home Wife”, 

or what my husband calls… "Trophy-wifein’.

I think about them, Jax Stella and Beck, everyday and that has not changed and I never want it to. Their lives are apart of our love story. They will be apart of their future brothers or sisters story… they will never be forgotten and will always be apart of this family, 

They just get to live far away in the clouds. 

I am starting to enjoy cooking again. I look forward to making dinner, and trying new ideas. I am doing laundry and dishes 

{which is a miracle and I know Jordan is THRILLED}

I am hoping this is an upward trend, and my motivation doesn't run dry.

Maybe tomorrow I will start going to Yoga again.

Today is a good day.

-Samone-

you think you know?

This kinda goes along with my "VENT" I posted recently. I'd like to "pretend" like I want to apologize for some of the negativity and my bad attitude, but SORRY NOT SORRY.

It's my right.

{Please understand that I so appreciate your effort to reach out and let me know you sympathize.}

Recently, two or three times, I've been told, "I know how you feel" "I've been here". I'm sure it not the last time I'll hear, but lets clear a few things up-

You know how I feel?

SO, you know what it feels like to be having triplets, one day everything be healthy and normal, and the next your fighting to keep them in your body. 

{You know what it's like to pray everyday to be the exception, not the rule.}

Terrified you may become a statistic, you don't want to be included in that portion of multiples that do not make it to viable birth age.

 You understand the fear of laying in a hospital bed after surgery hoping everything will stay stable for 20 more weeks. Listening to your OB and Specialist fight-it-out over what it best for me and the babies. 

You know the feeling of labor coming, and knowing your babies can not survive outside of you, nothing works to stop the one thing that CANNOT be happening!

You know what it's like to be told you almost did not make it through labor. It was very serious, they chose to save me, because without me the babies could not survive.

And I will never understand the trama my husband had to go through watching me give birth to our 3 babies knowing they would not survive if born... holding them alone. Me unconscious not knowing if I was going to be ok. 

That day he almost lost all 4 of us.

Most of all, can you fathom the emotional devestation of holding your 3 babies, that just 2 days before were healthy and growing, in your arms. Seeing their faces, features, watching your husband cry, feeling helpless, confused and angry. Then picking out a head stone for your children, wrapping them up together and placing them in their tiny baby casket, then burying their little bodies.

and if we needed, the cherry on top, the after effects of childbirth... 

the constant reminders of what you have gone through, and in the end you don't have your babies.

Everyday there is emptiness.

Yes you may be angry at your body just like I am, you may be angry at everyone that is happy and has their child. you may understand your own loss, the dream of what could have been- but you don't understand mine. you did not lose 3 miracles all at once- that were wanted SO badly.  The fullness that we felt immediately. The love we had, excitement ahead.

We will all face our own grief and we deal with it the best we can.

and if you still think you "know how i feel" "I've been here also" - Bless your heart. 

I'm here for you, if you need to talk. 

It's confusing, heartbreaking, and doesn't seem like reality most of the time.
{ I feel like I'm living half way between reality and a bad dream. }

The best thing I have been told, "I know what it's like to lose a child, but I don't know what it's like to lose babies... I can understand a little of what you are going though" 

*it was a breath of fresh air*

-Samone-

Why I write...

“Better to write for yourself and have no public,
 than to write for the public and have no self.”

-Cyril Connolly



I don't write to gain an audience, if someone stumbles across my public diary and it encourages them or shares awareness... then I have written well. I am not an english major... or even a great writer, I misuse punctuation and misspell words, but I write for the angels below now living above. They will be known and live in my words.

Jax, Stella and Beck 

Worth the Cost

Your life here on Earth
Was not meant to be,
But I don't regret the cost
of trying to bring you here with me.

Although I only held you briefly
Before they took you away from me.
It was worth every pain, every tear shed,
Because I treasure the love you inspired in me.



-Samone-

Their Memorial- May 9th, 2015

May 9th.

It hit me, that I needed to have a photographer capture this memory. I am a firm believer in,

 "you only regret the photos you don't take"

I wanted to remember what a beautiful day it was, our family and friends being there to support us, and THEM.

Sometimes I feel like a small part of my life is missing, like it never existed. 

That is terrifying. 

It doesn't seem real, like this could have happened. Maybe it is my mind blocking out the horrible thing that has happen to protect me mentally... but I know they were real, they were beautiful and worth everything. I would absolutely do it all over again, and again. Even if I get them for little awhile- I got them! I always want them to exist as much as they can without actually being here. 

{They are always my babies.}

My Favorite moment.

My mom suggested we do a butterfly release. 

On the wings of the tiniest earth angels,
may the spirit of those that we mourn today be remembered
and may this be the start of healing for all.

-Samone-

A beautiful gift of their first bibles. 2 blue, 1 pink of course!

Surrounded by love and support

Thank you Sidney *Green couch photography*

It's OK to be bitter, angry and disappointed. {VENT}

Just a public disclaimer: these sayings/quotes...  

DO NOT work in every situation, They do NOT apply to every life event. 

______________________________________________________________

Sayings that I now HATE: 

{Everything happens for a reason. }

{It's worth the wait. }

{If it's meant to be it will find a way. }

{Good things fall apart so better things can fall together.}

{There's a bigger plan.}

Drumroll please: {I'm sorry for your loss}

No. Not everything happens for a reason, why would I want something good to fall apart... What could be better than the greatest thing that's ever happened to you... A bigger plan? Because triplets can't be that BIG of a deal. 

{LOSS? Last I checked I was having 3 babies... then I lost 3 babies!}

Losses.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Keeping a good attitude is is obviously important and some will make you believe it's the best way to make through day to day- but sometimes you just can't. You hate everyone, no one understand and you feel like having a pity party- and it's OK. Not everyday has to be perfect. You don't have to be strong, you don't have to put on your fake smile and your fake laugh. 

{We only do that to make other people happy and feel more comfortable.}

I'm not perfect, my life isn't perfect, I'm not going to be in the perfect mood everyday, but I try to be respectful to anyone I see or talk to. Just know sometimes it takes more of an effort than you know. When you ask how are you doing, and I say fine... Good... OK...

What would your reaction be if I said I'm angry, sad, im not OK.

You'd probably be uncomfortable and confused and not know what to say next... 

I have memories of this life that I feel never existed... 

AND So if your curious 

that's how I am doing... 

Somedays are better than others.

-Samone-

Can you feel a broken heart?

This other morning I woke up with some uncomfortable chest pains. 

{trying not to be dramatic}, 

but I thought i was having a heart attack. Everything that has been going on and with how our lives are playing out recently, 

I wouldn’t be surprised if I was having more medical issues.

I told myself maybe you need to eat better and more often, I’m not really hungry, and when I do eat it’s not healthy like I usually try to stick to.  

Maybe I need to get active, drink more water?

I thought some more… maybe thats pain from a broken heart.

Maybe God is waking me up, telling me to go. Go do something, stay active, busy, keep yourself healthy- a light it coming.

I did not felt the pains again …

He is near:

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

-Samone-

Our greatest gifts

Many friends and family know Starting April 20th, I was put on bed rest for weeks praying for our babies to hold on 4 more months. 
On May 2nd, 

We found out just how difficult it is to carry 3 babies. I was checked back into the hospital Friday, May 1st. Early Saturday morning, May 2nd, I went into early labor. 

{our story has a lot of details that no one will really understand}

   We became parents to the most beautiful angels I could have ever pictured. Their tiny bodies so young, but perfectly formed you could see each ones features special and who they took after. We find comfort in getting to stare at their faces memorizing every line, curve, and wrinkle. 

Jax was born first, the most excited to see us I suppose. Jordan held him for over an hour While the Dr tried to save the other two, but I was too unstable and at 8:30 Stella was born followed by Beck. Im so proud of what we made and no one will ever take them away from us. 

  From 5am- 9am Jordan stood by as we lost all our babies, Then had to sit and watch as I fought regain consciousness, through unstable vitals, and loss of blood. I underwent a blood transfusion, 6 bags of blood later God brought me through and amazingly my blood count increased over the next 24 hours. My husband is the strongest most incredible man I know. 

Most people will never know this pain, and some know it too well. I am convinced that this sort of suffering is reserved for Gods strongest people the ones he knows will become stronger... Better.

Our Dr tried everything he had access to help get them here healthy. For that we are forever thankful and know we have no regrets or "what ifs", which is a gift in itself...

The pain is suffocating. &It seems like a cruel joke this happened a week prior to Mother's Day, we don't understand why, but we have faith... Eventually... That we will feel hope and joy again. We already have new smiles knowing we have our very own Angels.

May 9th, 2015

Today we bring them home to spend forever with us. We will be surrounded with close friends and family as we lay them under a huge oak tree on our property. The outpour of support and prayers has been incredible and without we could not have made it through this devastating week.

"A moment in my arms forever in our hearts" 

Love,
Mom and Dad

-Samone-


I will continue to share my struggles, updates, and encouragements...